Love Remains the Same
by leyton-is-lovee
Summary: Her thumb runs across his cheek and then she stares down at her own smile. Will she ever smile like that again? In a few hours she lost everything she ever wanted and needed. She lost her future. Eventually LP; after 5x05. More of a summary inside.
1. Some You Give Away

Alright, so . . . this is a new story that's been bouncing around in my head. It's based off of 5x05, but season 5 never happened. So my story's going to take place from the time they're 19/20 to whenever. It will be angsty, more angsty then anything I think I've written before and it will be a _bumpy road_. And I'm well aware that I'm crazy for starting another story.

This starts with 5x05 and will be done my way . . . the first chapter involves some sex, but they all won't LOL.

**I don't own it, nor do I own "Some You Give Away" by La Rocca(**chapter title**). I don't own "Love Remains the Same" by Gavin Rossdale either (**fic title**).**

Props to Katie for helping me with the title and multiple other things LOL!

Let the ride begin . . .

Enjoy!

* * *

_What ever happened to the promises you made  
Those little notions of your breakthrough day  
My one mistake was in making some room  
Leaving doors unlocked that you pushed through  
And taking too much time_

Peyton walks briskly down the hall of the building she's worked in for the past year and a half. She normally doesn't walk this fast, but she's late. It's not her fault really, she didn't get out of work until almost 10 last night and then she stayed up late watching the highlights from Lucas's Championship game and making him a cd she's going to mail after work today.

She pauses before preparing to walk past this door. Blake Anders is a complete and total ass-hat. He's the boss's step-son and he thinks that gives him a reason to yell at everyone and anyone; Peyton included. Meanwhile, the only reason he has a job here is because his mother made his step-father do it.

She takes a deep breath and her legs propel her forward. She looks straight ahead; not daring to make eye contact and nearly makes it past the doorway before;

"Peyton!" at least he knows her name. "I need copies made. Actually, I needed copies made twenty minutes ago", he makes a face that lets her know he isn't pleased that she's late. God, he's such a tool. He stands from his desk and walks over to her.

"No problem, Blake", she responds with a tight smile. He hands her the papers and looks her up and down once. It's sends a creepy chill up her spine. "I'll have them to you in a little while", she mumbles and heads to the mailroom.

She walks into the room and throws her stuff on the chair. Sometimes she doesn't know why she bothers to work here. She shakes off those thoughts as quickly as they come. It'll all pay off in the end. Peyton lifts the lid and places the first paper face down. Once the lids back on she hits the button and waits. When nothing happens she gets frustrated.

Peyton hits the copy machine in angrily. This damn thing never works. The other guy in the room gives her a sideways glance and she officially feels like a lunatic. Maybe she's venting a bit too much on this machine. She's just upset. Last night was a great night for Lucas and she wasn't there. She still hasn't heard from him, but she figures he's been celebrating with everyone. The copier beeps back at her and she whacks it again. She groans in annoyance and pushes her bangs out of her eyes.

"Hey Sawyer, you got a call on line one", Matt from the front desk comes in and tells her. It's not typical protocol for them to do, but she feels like he has a bit of a crush on her. She smiles and thanks him politely.

"This is Peyton", she says with a condescending tone. It's probably freaking Blake telling her he needs those copies. She places her hand on the desk and waits to hear his annoying voice. She doesn't know why she hasn't told him off yet . . .

"_Hey, it's me."_

Lucas Scott. She's never been happier to hear his voice in her entire life. A smile quickly paints her lips and she tilts her head to the side. "Hey, I've been trying to call you all morning. I watched the game highlights online. I wish I could have been there", she says softly. And she means it; there really wasn't anywhere else she wanted to be last night, but she was here doing mindless jobs.

_"Yeah, me too"_, he says quickly. _"So umm, what are you wearing?"_

She can feel a blush fill her cheeks and she looks around the room. "Luke, I – I can't do that right now; I'm at work", she says with a smile. Phone sex was something that started off as a joke. She honestly never thought he'd go for it, but she underestimated the horniness of her blonde boyfriend. Not that she ever complained.

He seems to ignore her though; _"Well I'm thinking the Pink Floyd tee over a long-sleeved white shirt and maybe those _sexy_ jeans with the hole in the knee."_

As he talks she looks down at herself and makes a face of astonishment. Do they really know each other that well? "Wow, you are good", she praises him with a grin and a laugh.

"_Yes I am"_, there's a pause and then she hears, "Really good."

His voice echoes in the small room and her mouth drops while her eyes widen. She turns around and in a voice that can only be described as complete and total shock says; "Luke."

He watches as she drops the phone and charges towards him. A second later she's in his arms. "Hi", she says and he holds her a bit closer. "I can't believe you're here!" she puts her hands on his face to make sure she isn't really dreaming.

He looks down at her before meeting her green eyes. God, he loves this woman. "Yeah well, since you couldn't come see me . . ."

She loves him, she really does, but right now the last thing she wants is to hear his words. She captures his lips with her own and throws her arms tightly around his neck. He deepens the kiss and picks her up into the air; one hand cups the back of her head. They both moan at the contact.

"Hi", she says breathlessly once he puts her down and they break apart. He rests his forehead against hers and whispers the same thing. She tugs at the collar of his shirt and he looks around the room and makes a face

"So uhh this is marketing and distribution?"

She looks around the mailroom and looks back up at him. She always knew eventually lying would bite her in the ass. "Umm . . ." he laughs softly and she does the same before leaning her forehead against his.

_Some you lose and some you give away  
Some you lose and some you give away_

"So, I might have pimped up my job description just a little", Peyton says as she places a folder full of mail on a door. "Basically, I work in the mailroom."

The last thing she wants to do is _show_ Lucas how pointless her job is, but it's still her job and she needs to get Blake these copies. She and Lucas continue their walk down the hall while she pushes the mail cart.

"Well that's Hollywood right? It's all always the spin", he says playfully. "I bet you know more about music then most of these tools", he says with such pride in his voice that it makes her love him even more.

"Shh, you're gonna get me in trouble", she says with a laugh, but they both know she's serious. "And they are not all tools, okay?" she doesn't know why she feels the need to defend these people. They are all pretty much tools, this is exemplified when Blake sticks his head out his door.

"Not in the box", he says while holding the folders in his hands. "On my desk!"

Peyton doesn't dare to look back. "Right, I'm sorry", if she wasn't embarrassed before, she's completely mortified now.

"And you, onion bagel, light on the cream cheese."

"Right away, Carl", Lucas says seriously.

"It's Blake!" the spiky haired man yells.

"Well, it's good to see they're nice", he quips. Peyton places more folders into the box and whispers 'yeah'. "Seriously, why do you put up with this?" the last thing he wants to deal with knowing is that she puts up with this treatment on a daily basis.

The million dollar question. "I will show you why . . . do you see that girl right there" they both stare at the brunette. "Three months ago she was in the mailroom and now she's a junior A and R exec", with her point made she smiles and continues her distribution.

"Yeah, but I'll bet she didn't produce two albums before she graduated high school", her blonde boyfriend says with an exact tone. Peyton looks at him and smiles.

"Okay, you're gonna have to go before you get us both fired", she teases. Lucas sighs and grabs the hem of her shirt.

"Alright, but look . . . I got dinner reservations for us at 8", she freezes and thinks back to last night. "Is that too late?"

"No it's – actually it's kind of early", she admits meekly. "We usually go till at least 9."

"Alright then its 9:30", he says without missing a beat.

"Perfect", she grabs his shirt and fixes his collar. "I'll meet you at the restaurant, just text me the address, okay?" he starts to say something, but she stops him with a kiss. He makes a noise of appreciation. "God, Luke it is so good to see you", she whispers once they break apart. They lock eyes and then she whispers. "Bye", before walking away.

He watches her leave and smiles.

It's good to see her too.

_I lost some friends out on that empty road  
Get back together it's always them you know  
For what don't get you leave a mark on your back  
Like the piece that doesn't fit in the jar that cracked  
Forgetting what you've been told_

Lucas paces the small hotel room more times then he can count. He's surprised there isn't a hole in the ground. He glances at the clock on the nightstand; 12:08. She's already over an hour late. He sighs; he needs to stop freaking out.

They had a great dinner. They spent nearly an hour just talking; his food was practically cold by the time he tore his eyes away from hers. Her green eyes and curly hair . . . he's missed her so much over the last year. He needs to stop thinking about this so much. He leans against the TV stand plays with his hands.

He doesn't think he's ever been this on edge before. Not even before his Championship game in senior year and not even the other day. It's all because of the curly blonde he waits for.

And it has a bit to do with the ring in his jacket pocket.

He's well aware he might be crazy for this. They're only 19 going on 20. It's just that seeing Nathan and Haley celebrate with Jamie . . . he wants that. And he's sure he's always wanted it, but last night made him realize just how badly he _craves_ it. And he craves it to be with Peyton. He wants their kids to have curly hair and green eyes or maybe they'll get his dimples and upturned nose. He doesn't care.

He just knows that he wants Peyton beside him.

He sighs noisily and sits on the bed. Lucas picks up the remote and turns the TV on; he flips mindlessly through the channels and groans when he recognizes that it won't help. He stands and walks to the window. There are cars everywhere and people litter the streets; he doesn't know what Peyton likes about this place.

Granted it's a big city and it has the appeal of Hollywood, but in his mind nothing could compare to Tree Hill. It's quaint and homey and everyone there knows you. It's the perfect place to raise a family and grow old with the person you love. Maybe he's being biased.

He turns from the large windows and glances at the clock; it's only been 7 minutes. His hand reaches for the velvet box in his pocket and he toys with it in his hands. It's suddenly too hot in the room and he shrugs his suit jacket off before throwing it onto a nearby chair. He sits on the bed and feels his blood pulsing in his veins. He must be having an anxiety attack. Lucas can feel his heart pounding and the room's spinning a bit. He looks back at the bed and decides that lying down wouldn't hurt.

Lucas doesn't really know when exactly that ring box hits the floor.

Peyton curses as she walks into the hotel room. It's silent and dark and it can only mean that Lucas is sleeping. She hates work even more now. He had a wonderful night planned and neither of them could enjoy it. When she walks into the room she sees him passed out on the bed and a small smile graces her lips.

He's so undeniably cute.

She puts her purse on the chair where his jacket lies and walks over to him. She kneels down and runs her fingers through his hair before brushing her lips against the crown of his head. She stands and that's when her foot hits something. She furrows her brows before picking it up. That's when her heart stops.

She stares at this small black box and prays to God it's a pair of earrings. She looks down at Lucas and back at the box before walking to the chair in the far corner of the room. The second she sits down she puts her head between her knees and takes a few deeps breaths.

When she feels her heart return to a semi-normal beat she fidgets with the box once more. She puts her hand atop it and then pulls it away. She takes a deep breath and does the same actions again. Finally, she shakes her head and simply closes her hand around it; her knuckles turn white.

She doesn't dare to open it. She's too damn scared to open it.

She doesn't know why she's so scared. She loves this boy. She loves him more then she's ever loved another person and she knows she'll love him till the day she dies. But she's petrified to open the box and really think about what this all means.

She sits in the chair with her legs crossed and the box in her hand. She has no idea how much time passes, but it doesn't feel like nearly enough. She's still as conflicted as before. A movement from the bed causes her head to snap up and she watches as Lucas searches the area surrounding the bed. Oh God, she feels like she's going to throw up.

"Hey", he says with a sleep filled voice that makes her smile. "When'd you get here?" he asks as he continues to look around.

She looks at him before glancing at the clock. Her eyes widen, but she hopes he doesn't notice. "I don't know, like an hour ago", she says softly.

He continues to search frantically for the ring. "You know you could have uhh, you could have woke me up", Peyton watches his movements with a titled head. She can't take anymore.

"Luke", she breathes out. "What is this?" she asks as she tosses the box from one hand to the other. "I couldn't bring myself to open it", he stares at her and at the black box and his shoulders slump. "I've just been sitting here thinking about . . . how much I love you", she curses herself after saying that.

She does love him and it's all she's been thinking about, but she shouldn't have said those words. Lucas smiles a boyish smile from so many years ago and looks at her.

"Well, I wanted it to be a surprise . . ."

Her heart leaps into her throat when he stands.

_Some you lose and some you give away  
Some you lose, some you give away  
You give away, yeah, yeah, yeah_

He points to the item she's holding and lets out a sigh. He stands right in front of her; so close that she can smell his cologne perfectly and she breathes it in deeply. Nervously, he gets down on one knee and takes the box from her.

She's definitely going to throw up.

She opens her mouth to say something, she isn't sure what, but she feels like she needs to _say something_. They lock eyes in that moment and she's speechless. He looks at her with love, and adoration, and pride. He wants her more in this moment the any other time in his life.

"Peyton I love you and I want us to be together forever", he says sincerely as he moves to show her the ring. She quickly puts her hands atop his to stop his movements. If she doesn't see it, it isn't real.

"Luke wait . . . okay?" she lets out a nervous laugh.

"I – I know this is a bit sudden, okay?" he says with an understanding smile. Does he really? He seems totally at ease. "But . . . you know yesterday was a great day and I'm sitting on the bus and I realize that none of my _great_ _days_ in my life matter without you", he says as if he were having this epiphany all over again. "You're the one I want next to me when my dreams come true and you're the one I want next to me if they don't. As long as I have _you_ . . . nothing else matters."

He's too close. He's too close and those words were too sincere and he wants this too badly. "There's – it's just not as simple as all that, okay?" she says before standing from the chair and walking to the other end of the bed. Lucas kneels there dumbfounded. "I mean there's a lot we have to talk about."

He hangs his head before taking a breath and standing. "I know, but we'll figure out the details when we get back to Tree Hill", he says easily. She freezes.

"Okay, I know that's home for you and I miss it sometimes, I do. But for me Tree Hill is two dead moms and a psycho stalker and some really _painful_ memories. I mean I actually had to move out to Hollywood to get away from all the drama", she smiles to let him know she isn't trying to hurt him. "So, right now this is my home. The only thing that's missing is you", she says truthfully.

"So then I'll move here", he barely bats an eyelash and walks over to her. He doesn't understand why Peyton's fighting against this. They love each other. Don't they?

"No", she breathes out. "Luke, honey", she begins and meets him halfway. "Whitey believes in you and Nathan needs you and if I ask you to walk away from your dream you're gonna wake up one day and you're gonna resent me for it. The same way I would feel if you asked me to leave LA", she says quickly because she knows that's his next point.

He looks at her and grabs her arms. This isn't going to be an easy thing to say. "Peyton, you give people coffee and deliver mail, you were doing more then that in Tree Hill", she looks away.

He always sees the best things she does, but sometimes only have his belief isn't enough. She needs to believe it herself. "Well, I love you for believing that, but I have to prove that to myself. I mean you see, that's the thing, we both have _so_ much that we wanna do with our lives and we're only _nineteen_", she stresses.

"And Nathan and Haley were a lot younger than that", he argues. This may be their most severe argument to date and somehow he feels it's going to be their only one.

"Okay well, we see how easy that's been", she fires back. She watches as his eyes cloud with rejection and her heart melts into her shoes. "Come on", she whispers. "In another year", she makes the promise. In another year she will be ready. She knows it.

Lucas walks away from her and her hands fall to her side. He feels the onset of a migraine and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Peyton . . . we've seen each other three times in the last year", he raises his voice and when he looks at her, her face is crestfallen.

"We got days without talking, we trade a few e-mails. We've already grown so far apart . . . who knows where we'll be a year from now", it spills from his mouth before he can stop it.

Her eyes widen and she says; "Luke, if you can't trust that our love can make it one year, I don't understand how we can be talking about forever right now", and she doesn't. He's fighting so hard to make her accept a proposal now, but he doesn't think she'll love him in a year. He's completely contradicting himself and it proves her silent point that they aren't ready for this.

He can feel his knees buckle and the room starts to spin. "You're saying no", he breathes out. He sits on the bed and takes a deep breath.

She looks at him and shakes her head. "No! I – I am not saying no, I'm saying not now", she says as she sits beside him. "I want to marry you, someday", she says as she latches onto his arm. Lucas tries to shake her off, but she holds tighter. "Hey don't – don't do that", she scolds. "Don't pull away from me okay, I want us to be together", she takes a deep breath. "I love you so much", she says with a shaky voice.

She doesn't think she should have to say it. Her actions have been clear; at least to her they were. She's risked a lifelong friendship and countless other things for this boy, right here in front of her, but he doesn't see it.

"Just not enough", he whispers bitterly as he finally faces her. Her eyes water and she feels like she's going to throw up for an entirely different reason now.

"Look, can we take this back? Can we just pretend like you never woke up, please?" she begs with panic in her voice. She can't lose him. Not now, not after everything.

"I don't think we can", he says sadly. She looks down and admits;

"I'm afraid that this conversation is gonna end with –"

"Goodbye", he finishes for her.

It kills them both that they're on the same connected level.

She looks at him and feels her world fall apart. "Luke, don't", she whispers. "Come here", she says as she pushes on his chest; they both fall to the bed. She rests her head right above his heart and listens to its erratic beat before speaking;

"Our dreams are gonna come true, Lucas. My music and your novel", she looks up at him briefly. "It's gonna happen, I know it", his hand squeezes her shoulder and she tugs at his tie. She waits for him to say something, but he remains silent.

And that scares her more then any words he could say.

_I left some candles by the side of your house  
Case you got lost or needed showing out  
Maybe we'll pass through L.A. again  
Older and better with all the charm of friends  
It's unlikely if the truth be told_

He doesn't know when he falls asleep, but he's awoken sometime later with Peyton kissing his neck and desperately tugging at his tie and then it's gone. He blinks his sleep filled eyes to make sure he isn't dreaming. When her hand travels down to the belt he wears he sucks in a breath and knows this is a reality. But this isn't right.

"Peyton, we shouldn't –"

"Just give me this", she pleads with him.

Her voice is hoarse and as her fingers go to work on that silver buckle he makes a face of anticipation and it hurts. Not her actions, but his face. It feels sore and tight and that makes him realize that he was crying in his sleep. But judging by how tight his face is and the pain his eyes carry when he closes them and the hoarseness of his voice when he spoke earlier, it was more then simple cries.

He's full out sobbed in his sleep.

In the time it takes him to come to this realization she straddles his lap and tosses his belt to the corner of the room. The moonlight hits her face in just the right way and he can see the puffiness of her eyes and the blotchiness of her cheeks. This whole thing is so wrong.

"Peyt . . . I really don't –" she stops him with a kiss.

It's their first kiss of the night and it's passionate and powerful and he never wants to stop kissing her. After this kiss, it's all out the window.

They pull apart completely breathless and Lucas's rough hands skim up her shirts; tugging them over her head and throwing them out of his way. She's left in her bra and after seeing her a full 3 times in the last year, this sight alone is enough to make him lose it.

She unbuttons and unzips his slacks and shimmies them down his waist. Purposely brushing against him causes a loud groan to leave his mouth and a smirk to grace her lips. His eyes narrow playfully and he shakes his head. Two can play that game.

He starts unbuttoning his blue dress shirt and after his slacks hit the floor he rolls them over so that he's got her pinned to the bed. She gasps in shock and squirms beneath him. He shakes his head and locks her arms above the halo of curls her hair forms.

His mouth assaults her lips and cheeks and that spot on her neck that only he knows about. Her mouth parts and she rocks her hips into his. They both moan at the pressure. She lets out a squeal of surprise when he nips at the flesh of her neck. He doesn't know why he does it. Neither he nor Peyton have ever been big on hickeys. On some psychological level he's sure it has something to do with branding her. His last way of claiming her as his; for the time being.

He gets so swept up in kissing her that he releases her hands and focuses his attention on her bra. He palms her perfectly sized breasts through the material and she arches into him. Her nimble fingers work the rest of the buttons on his shirt and it falls down his arms. Their hands are everywhere and in the blink of an eye his undershirt is gone and her bra is tossed into the air.

They both stop their movements and look at the other person. If this is their last time doing this, they want it to be special. Lucas's hand trails down her soft stomach and he slowly unbuttons her jeans and pulls the zipper down. He crawls down the length of her legs and takes off her boots before pulling the denim down her long legs.

She watches him with the aid of the moonlight and feels her heart constrict in her chest. Maybe she isn't strong enough to sleep with the man she loves for what they both silently know will be the last time. He takes off her jeans and in the process her panties leave her body. She sees the breath he sucks in and it makes her blush; he has basically the same reaction every time he sees her naked. How does someone let that go?

He drops his boxers to the floor and crawls back up along her legs; leaving hot kisses in his path. She bites her bottom lip and closes her eyes. He's pressed against her in the best places and she wonders how she'll ever forget this. _If_ she'll ever forget this.

The comfort of his weight atop her. The fact that he's the only boy to ever know about her spot. The sigh he makes when they kiss. The way he rasps 'I love you'. The way his rough hands handle her body like fine china. The way he fits inside her perfectly . . .

"Lucas, maybe we shouldn't –"

She's been wrong. She never should have started this. She isn't strong enough to sleep with him one last time and have it mean nothing more then sex. She needs him too much to have this mean nothing. But then his pointer finger caresses her hip and he looks into her eyes as he whispers;

"Its okay, Blondie."

And she doesn't know how or why that statement makes it all better, but it does. He leans down and kisses her once more. Their tongues dance together passionately and Peyton pulls him impossibly close to her. He presses his chest against hers and meets her eyes.

Then he enters her.

Lucas uses his arms as leverage so that he doesn't crush her. And Peyton does her best to keep his comforting weight atop her. After a moment he moves in and out of her slowly. He watches her facial expressions change from they don't vary too much, but he catches the way her eyes fall and he's sure his do the same.

His movements increase and Peyton meets his thrusts with her own. The sensation makes them both cry out and it makes Lucas pump faster. They don't last much longer after her actions. Peyton moans out his name and trembles powerfully. Three strokes later Lucas is doing the same and desperately trying to keep his arms locked as his body quivers.

They're both exhausted and delirious, but manage to pull the sheets down and curl beneath them. Lucas extends his arm and Peyton nestles into the crook of it. She draws an invisible pattern on his bare chest and Lucas thinks that this is the part he'll miss the most. Not the sex, although that's something he'll long for. It's the moment after they make love, where he pulls her into his arms and she doodles on his chest. He can't explain why he loves it so much or why he'll miss that almost more then anything. It's just one of those quirks that he knows he'll never have with anyone else.

"I love you, Lucas."

She whispers it softly into the stillness of their room. He closes his eyes and lets those three words wash over him; seep into his veins. It's the last time he'll hear them, he's sure, and he savors every syllable that leaves her mouth. Lucas waits until her breaths even out to whisper;

"I'm gonna love you forever, Peyton Sawyer."

_Some you lose and some you give away  
Some you lose, some you give away  
Yes, I've given away_

When Lucas wakes up the next morning he pulls Peyton closer to him and instinctively kisses the top of her head. With his eyes still closed flashbacks of last night flood his mind.

He and Peyton should not have slept together.

He doesn't regret it; not for one second. But it makes this all so much harder. He sighs and looks down at the blonde in his arms. Her heads pointed in his direction and he can see the faint outline of tears on her cheeks. He brushes his thumb under her eye and gently removes her arm from around his waist. He stands from the bed and searches for his clothes.

He throws on his boxers and takes his bag into the bathroom. Once the door is closed behind him the guilt kicks in. He steps into a steaming hot shower and lets the water rush away the agony he's in. After a few minutes he steps out and dries off before putting on a fresh pain of clothes. He steps back into the room and quietly takes the ring off the nightstand. He places it in his suitcase and pauses to look at her. She's so damn beautiful it hurts. He can't leave her just yet.

He sits in the chair overlooking the bed and simply stares at Peyton. The white sheets are tangled around her body and her untamed curls make him smile. Curls and legs, that's Peyton Sawyer. But she's so much more and he hopes that someone can see it. They need to see past the façade she puts forth and find the heart of gold that she has.

He told her once that she was destined for greatness and he meant it; he still means it. He just can't be around to watch it if he's not with her. And he knows on some level he's overreacting right now, but he's pushing that thought to the back of his mind.

She doesn't want to be with him. He fought for them to be together and she seemingly fought for them to be apart. And then last night they slept together because they both wanted a better memory of their last moments. Somehow he thinks it's only going to do more harm then good. He clenches his jaw and fights back the tears.

Lucas stands and can't leave the room without inhaling her scent or feeling her warmth one last time so he leans over her and brushes her bangs out of the way before leaving a not so chaste kiss to her forehead.

"Goodbye Peyton", he whispers.

He grabs his jacket and his bad and heads to the door. There's a moment of hesitation, but he pushes past it. He needs to keep walking. He opens the door and steps out into the hall.

The clicking sound the door makes seals his fate.

_I lost some friends out on that empty road  
I lost some friends out on that empty road  
I lost some friends out on that empty road  
Yeah, it can't get through to people that I know_

She faintly hears the door close and in her sleep she nestles closer to Lucas. When she's met with a cold spot her eyes snap open and she sits up. The room is empty, but she needs to be sure.

"Luke", she calls out in a small voice.

She receives no response and instantly, she's dead inside. She had thought it last night, but she never really thought he'd leave her. Not without at least talking about what last night meant. To her, it's obvious what it meant.

Goodbye.

She feels her eyes burn with tears, but refuses to let them fall. Peyton gets out of bed and shamefully puts her clothes back on. In the process she hits a plastic square and when she looks at it her heart sinks even more. He doesn't want to even think about her. She knows Lucas wasn't after sex; he told her they shouldn't, but it still feels crappy to be left like this.

She sits back on the bed with her shirt and jeans on and stares at the cd she spent so much time making. She brushes her hand across the clear case and frowns. Maybe he left it because it'll be too hard to think about her. She nods her head; that has to be it. Lucas wouldn't vindictively do something like this.

She puts the case into her purse before tugging on her boots. She leaves the room and quickly checks out. Once the humid March air hits her face she breathes. She takes such a deep breath that it hurts her lungs, but she doesn't care. She watches as the cars whiz by and frowns. She doesn't really feel like walking right now.

In her apartment she's met with pictures and cards and that copy of his book. She opens all her windows in hopes that the feeling of claustrophobia will disappear. It doesn't work. She gasps for air as she runs around her apartment turning down pictures and hiding love notes and cards. She takes his book and puts it in the freezer.

Peyton walks over to her couch and folds her arms around herself. She picks up the one photo she didn't overturn. It's of her and Lucas on her last night in Tree Hill. They were at his house lying in bed when he shot up and grabbed the camera. She laughed and called him cheesy, but she secretly loved it. Her thumb runs across his cheek and then she stares down at her own smile. Will she ever smile like that again? In a few hours she lost everything she ever wanted and needed. She lost her future. Peyton feels the tears coming and on impulse she picks up the phone.

Peyton dials Brooke's number, but hangs up on the first ring. They haven't talked in . . . she can't even remember the last time they actually had a conversation. She can't just call randomly and spill her heart out; can she? Does she still have that right?

No, she doesn't. Nathan and Haley have Jamie and . . . well she's sure Lucas will be home soon. They have to be on his side. She sits on her couch and for the first time since she woke up, she cries. Then the cries turn to sobs and her body's shaking violently.

She has no boyfriend. She has no best friend. She's officially all alone

_Some you lose, some you give away  
Some you lose, some you give away  
(What ever happened?)_

* * *

It may have been a bit boring, but it's needed for the story. Can any of you see where I might be taking this already? Let me know what you think!

I am attempting to write other chapters, but my computers crap and my iTunes doesn't work so it's kind of hard to find inspiration when I can't pick a song and listen to it. Bear with me people lol.


	2. Cannonball

**I don't own it, nor do I own "Cannonball" by Damien Rice.**

So, I originally had a different song here, but after I checked some other out, I fell in love with this. It's an absolutely amazing song! Damien Rice . . . he leaves me speechless.

Thanks so much for all the reviews! I know it probably still seems slow, but it will pick up next chapter. I hope you're prepared for the ride ahead.

OTH literally starts in a minute sorry if this sucks!

Enjoy!

* * *

_There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth  
There's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt  
It's still a little hard to say what's going on  
_

She's pretty sure she's never been this depressed in her entire life. Granted, she was pretty much a zombie after her mother died; both really. She's just never experienced anything like this. It's worse then anytime she and Nathan ever broke up – clearly – and its worse then the time Jake left in junior year. Lucas left her. It's like she has no heart.

A vital piece of her is missing.

To make things better, she got called into work today. It's supposed to be her day off; she begged and pleaded after Lucas left to get off for today and thankfully he agreed. But, by some cruel act of God, here she is. Barely dressed and with no makeup on. She keeps crying sporadically and she hates it. She hates being this person.

She pushes the stupid mail cart down the hall and rubs her nose with her hand. She knows for sure that she looks like Hell because Michael didn't even bat an eyelash at her when she walked past the front desk. It's not like she's looking for attention, but it only adds to the blow of being . . . whatever it is she is now.

She doesn't even stop to think before passing Blake's door.

"Hey, I need you to go on a coffee run", he says flippantly. She swears he waits just to see her to pass out something stupid to be done. She wipes at the stray tears and says;

"Kay, in a minute", there's no emotion in her voice and she hopes he leaves it at that, but she knows he won't.

"I don't have a minute", he says. She makes a face. Does he have something important to do? Doubtful. She doesn't bother responding. "Hey!"

Her anger boils over and for the first time she talks back. "I said I need a minute!" her voice shakes and she rushes into the mailroom. Once she's in the safety of those four walls she lets it all out.

Her hands cover her face and she whimpers before heading straight to the stupid copy machine to vent her anger. She whacks her hands against the machine and lets out noises that are mixed between angry grunts and soft sobs. Something else flaps in the air and she's sure she's broken the stupid machine, but she still doesn't care.

"Probably just a jam in the three hole punch tray total pain in the ass, but definitely not worth a pretty girl crying over."

The voice scares the crap out of her and she spins around to find a man dressed casually staring at her with a smirk that could mirror one she knows so well; except it doesn't make her heart flutter.

"Okay, you know what, the last thing I need right now is some – some shallow, ego-centric, hotshot music producer hitting on me", she says in a detached voice and wipes at the tears. It truly is the last thing she needs. Single for a whole 12 hours and some guy's hitting on her.

"Wow", she hears him laugh and then he says, "okay", before leaving the doorway. She faces the copier once more and lets out a breath as she closes her eyes. When she hears that voice again she huffs and looks at the unstoppable man.

"Okay just for the sake of argument, what if I was more of a failed guitarist turned fledgling Indie movie producer type?" he asks it seriously and Peyton cannot believe it. "Huh?" he pries some more. She shakes her head and rolls her eyes before turning her head away from him.

"No, right", she hears him take a breath and listens to his footsteps. "You know the best thing about a paper jam?" Peyton's shoulders sag and she breathes out;

"What?"

"It forces you to open up the machine and figure out what went wrong in the first place", they share a moment of silence before he leaves. Once she's alone again the breakdown follows.

She's just gotten philosophical advice from a guy she doesn't even know. That just makes her ache for the advice of someone she does know. Tears fall and continuously blur her vision as she walks to her jacket and pulls out her cell phone. Without any hesitation she dials Brooke's number and waits for her to answer.

"_Hello"_, her brunette friend rasps out. Peyton snaps her eyes shut and holds back a sob. She walks backwards and hits the wall of the small room. _"Hello?"_

"Brooke", Peyton whispers. The brunette shoots out of bed and holds the phone closer to her ear. "It's Peyton."

"_I know, honey, are you alright?"_ the maternal instinct she's always had when it comes to Peyton kicks in, she also snaps her eyes shut. She knows what's wrong with her.

"No, no I'm not", she whispers and slides down the wall that's supporting her. "Lucas and I broke up and I know I shouldn't be calling strictly because of that, but Brooke I –"

"_Hey, don't act like we aren't best friends"_, Brooke admonishes. _"I know it's been a while, but the phone works both ways and I share responsibility for us losing contact"_¸ the last thing she wants is for Peyton to think everything is her fault.

"_And . . . I know about you and Lucas"_, she whispers cautiously. Peyton furrows her brows.

"How do you, how _can_ you know?"

"_Well, Lucas was in New York because of his book, we met up and got drunk and . . . he told me about everything"_, she whispers; choosing to leave out the kiss and the fact that she wore the ring.

Peyton's heart sinks even further. His book's gotten picked up. Brooke didn't come out and say it, but she can assume so. His dream came true and he didn't call her. "Oh", is all she can muster.

Her anger kicks in and she spits out; "Did he tell you we slept together?" Brooke gasps and takes a minute before saying anything.

"_Look Peyton, I know it all seems really hard right now, but he's gonna become the best author he can and you're gonna get your label started and then –"_

Peyton blocks out what her best friend says; "I don't know what to do", she whispers and the tears fall some more. "I'm lost without him . . ."

Brooke remembers that phrase spilling from Lucas's mouth the other night and she can't believe how alike they _still_ are.

"_That's it"_, her friend rasps. _"I'm coming to LA"_, the determination in her voice makes Peyton hopeful. _"I've got midterms and a fashion show and things are really hectic right now; it's gonna be a few weeks before I can get out there, but trust me I _will_ be there . . ."_

As her best friend trails off Peyton smiles.

She's not totally alone.

_There's still a little bit of your ghost your witness  
There's still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed  
You step a little closer to me  
So close I can't see what's going on_

"I'm worried about him", Haley whispers to her husband. Nathan groans and lifts one eyelid to stare at her incredulously. Jamie's only gotten to sleep two hours ago and dealing with a screaming child isn't exactly something that keeps your energy high.

"Hales, I'm sure he's fine", he whispers groggily. She frowns and shakes her head.

"He just looked so depressed when he came home earlier", she murmurs. "He should be over the moon!"

Nathan can't help but to admit that she's right. When he had called to let them know he wouldn't be home because he was meeting with an editor _they_ were thrilled, but then when he walked through the front door all he did was brood. He assured them that the book was going to happen and retreated to his room.

"Maybe he and Peyton had a fight", Nathan offers sleepily. That makes Haley's frown deepen. They shouldn't have fought. They both hear a noise in the kitchen and Haley's eyes widen.

"I'll be back", she whispers and pulls the covers from her body. Nathan sighs and watches her leave. His wife will forever be a meddler.

Lucas pours himself a glass of milk and sits at the kitchen counter. The past few days have been an absolute whirlwind for him and he hasn't had time to fully wrap his head around anything; including his break up with Peyton Sawyer.

He never intended for his trip to end the way it had.

Now that he's thinking about her he knows there's no chance of his thoughts drifting from her. He puts his head in his hands and closes his eyes. It's all so messed up. He can still feel her presence and picture her smile; that light behind her eyes.

"Hey", the voice of his best friend causes him to lift his head and meet her eyes. Her stare is too concerned and motherly and before long he has to look away. She frowns and walks to sit beside him.

They're both quiet for a while and Haley takes a sip of his milk. He playfully glares at her and she laughs. "You wanna tell me what's going on?" she asks gently.

He shakes his head because he really doesn't want to talk about it. If he talks, he'll cry, and if he cries, he'll never stop. Haley caringly covers his hand with her own.

"I know that this past year has been hard and I want you to know that Nathan and I appreciate you moving in with us. Between Jamie, school, work, and basketball . . . I'm just sorry that you haven't had a lot of time to yourself."

Lucas leans forward and places a brotherly kiss to her forehead. Haley always seems to know what to say. He guesses that's why they're best friends. He remembers the first day they ever talked; they were 5 and Nathan was making fun of him on the playground. Lucas stood tall and didn't let Nathan know his words hurt, as soon as he left little Haley James walked over and called 'that brunette kid' a 'total tool'. If only she knew then that she'd marry that tool.

"Me and Peyton broke up", spills from his mouth. Haley's eyes widen and she gasps, she actually _gasps_. "It happened when I was in LA and I haven't really thought about it until now and I just . . . it sucks", he finishes with a trembling voice.

"Lucas", she breathes out. "I'm so sorry", he shakes his head and stands from the stool.

"It's my fault really", he talks more to himself. "I assumed we were meant to be together, that she was my soul mate! I freaking proposed and –"

"You what?!" Haley questions loudly; completely forgetting about the sleeping child down the hall. This all makes sense now. His broodiness and constant far off looks. He proposed to Peyton Sawyer.

But he was here alone.

"Lucas, what happened? Why did you break up?"

"She said we weren't ready", he mocks her bitterly. "I got down on one knee and I fought for us to be together and she threw it all out."

He's angry, that's obvious to Haley. But, there's something different about how he's talking. There's a tremor in his voice and he's pacing the floor in front of her. His hands are on his hips and his heads hung low.

It's like he's breaking apart.

Her heart goes out to him, it really does. She remembers what her life was like after she came back from tour and it was terrible to not be with Nathan. At the time she didn't understand his reasoning, but in the end, he was right. They needed time apart and they needed time to grow.

"This doesn't mean it's over", she says softly and stands. She puts her hands on his shoulders to stop his moving and locks eyes with him. The pain she sees is almost too much for her to bear.

"Yes it does", he mutters. She shakes her head adamantly. This isn't the boy she used to know. Lucas used to be so optimistic about love and life.

"Nathan and I –"

"Me and Peyton are nothing like you and my brother! I wish people would stop using that as a comparison", he grumbles. She steps back and he closes his eyes. "I'm sorry, Hales", he whispers.

She nods her head and folds her arms around herself. "All I was going to say is that back in high school when Nathan and I were having problems, you told me not to give up. You said I had to believe in Nathan and the love that we shared", he looks at her and feels his throat tighten.

"Maybe you need to believe in Peyton and the love that you share with her", she whispers finally. He can feel his eyes water and he clears his throat.

"What if there's nothing left to believe in?" his voice is small and it scares her. She's never seen him so broken; except when Keith died and even then he didn't cry in front of her.

"I don't believe that, Lucas", she whispers before wrapping her arms around him for a tight hug. "You're the tortured artist and the tortured athlete . . . its epic and you guys _will_ find your way back."

_Stones taught me to fly  
Love, taught me to lie  
Life, taught me to die  
So it's not hard to fall  
When you float like a cannonball_

A few days later Peyton's sitting in her apartment trying, in vain, to not think about Lucas. It's incredibly hard. Not only because he's everywhere in this apartment, but because the news of his book has hit the airwaves.

Nearly every news channel possible is swooning over the story of the small town boy. The boy who was abandoned by his father and forced to befriend his brother. The boy who lost his uncle because of that father. The newscaster for entertainment reads her favorite passage from the book that she knows so well.

"_And there's this certain part"_, Peyton watches as she flips through a few random papers. _"I'm telling you, it's simply earth shattering . . . oh here it is!"_ she squeals in excitement and Peyton prays it isn't the paragraph that's haunted her. _"Suddenly, it was as if the roar of the crowd, the echo of the final buzzer, the cheers of my teammates were all sounding from a thousand miles away and what remained in that bizarre, muffled silence was only Peyton . . ."_

Before she continues the blonde shuts the television off and chucks her remote that it. She cannot believe her life – more or less – is going to be known by the world. It didn't seem so scary when she had Lucas by her side, but now it's terrifying.

She covers her face with her hands and groans loudly. The sound of someone knocking on her door causes her to look up and furrow her brows. She's pretty sure Brooke can't get out here for another week at least. She stands and on her way to the door she trips over the box filled with Lucas's belongings. Clothes and books and other pointless things that he left here on his other visits are packed away and in anger she kicks it again.

Damn him and his stupid stuff.

The knocking grows louder and she rolls her eyes. "I'm coming!" she yells. She pulls the door open and the scowl that was painted on her lips disappears. She lunges at the man in front of her and he wraps his arms around her waist.

"Nathan Scott!" she yells into his ear; on accident. They pull apart and Nathan keeps his hands on her hips while he looks at her. Her hairs still curly and her eyes are still green, but she's so different. And he understands why.

"What are you doing here? Where's Haley and Jamie?" she asks as she looks behind him. Nathan stuff his hands in his pockets and his overnight bag falls downs his arm.

"They're not with me", he admits. "Haley doesn't even know I'm seeing you", he whispers uneasily. Peyton raises her brows and smirks.

"Keeping secrets from your wife that involve your ex-girlfriend . . . that's mighty brave, Scott", she teases. Nathan lets out a breath at the laugh that leaves her mouth and he embraces her once more.

"It's been too damn long, Sawyer", he says meaningfully. She closes her eyes and clings to him. He's the first real connection to home she's seen in a few weeks and to her, he somehow smells like Tree Hill. They break apart and she winks.

"Come in", she says as she holds the door open. He does just that and makes himself comfortable. It's not his first time here, but it's his first time here without his wife or brother and that makes him feel closer to Peyton as s friend.

He sits on the couch and Peyton joins him a minute later, two bottles of beer in her hands. "So, wanna tell me why you're sneaking thousands of miles away to see little old me?" she asks with her southern twang. He doesn't understand how they've both lived in Tree Hill their entire lives, but she's the only one with an accent.

"Can't a guy wanna see his best friend?" he asks innocently. She raises her brows and takes a sip of the beer in front of her. He caves; knowing there's no use in bullshitting her. "I heard about you and Lucas", he whispers the truth.

Her mouth drops and she nods her head in understanding. "I just wanted to check on you and see if you needed anything."

"Haley worked wonders on you", she teases with a laugh. "Umm, I'm doing okay, I guess. It's hard, you know. I still don't know exactly where we went wrong", she says and her voice quivers with unshed tears.

"I'm sorry, this must be hard to talk about", he whispers as he places his hand over hers. She shakes her head and then nods. This is hard, but . . .

"It's worse at night", she whispers. "I have this dream pretty much every time I'm asleep and we're back in that hotel room and Lucas proposes and I say yes. Every single time I say yes, Nate. Why didn't I just say yes?" she asks in frustration of herself.

Nathan looks at her and frowns. He doesn't have the words for her so he decides to take a different route. "Remember my car accident junior year?"

Her eyes narrow and her lips form a straight line; those movements let him know she remembers clearly. "Well, you know how you were pissed at Haley because she didn't come back?" Peyton remains silent. "I told her not to", Nathan tells her for the first time.

"Why would you do that?" she whispers in pure confusion.

He shrugs. "We needed to chase our dreams. I called her and she was at the airport, but I felt that if she came back she would end up resenting me and I wanted to go further with basketball . . . the last thing I wanted was for us to become my parents", he tells her honestly.

"That's what I told Luke", she mutters. He locks eyes with her and smiles understandingly.

"And you're not wrong, Peyt. Lucas will realize that . . . he's just stubborn", Nathan says the best he can. "He'll come around", he whispers.

She looks into the blue eyes that are so much like his brothers, but so different at the same time. She wishes she believed him.

It's just too hard to believe in anything lately.

_There's still a little bit of your song in my ear  
There's still a little bit of your words I long to hear  
You step a little closer each day  
Still I can't say what's going on  
_

"Are you sure", Haley's worried tone hit his ears again. Lucas rolls his eyes and Nathan suppresses the smirk on his lips.

"Go", Lucas insists for the fifth time that evening. Haley opens her mouth, but he cuts her off. "You and Nathan haven't had a night to yourselves in a while. You've both worked really hard and you deserve a night off", Nathan nods his head and looks at his wife.

"I don't know", she mumbles. Both men roll their eyes. "You're both sick and –"

"Which is exactly why I _should_ stay home! I'm sick and so is Jamie, we can be sick together", he says with a lopsided smile. Haley sighs and Nathan grins; they're going out.

"Alright Luke, call us if anything happens. We'll be in touch . . . let's get going babe", he says in a rush before Haley can change her mind. She stops them and frees her hand from Nathan's hold.

"Bye my baby boy", she coos as she kisses the sickly child's cheeks. Nathan rolls his eyes, but steps forward and kisses his sons forehead.

"Be good for Uncle Lucas", he says seriously; as if Jamie would be anything other then prefect. The blonde godfather nods and waves them out the door. Once it's shut behind them he lets out a sigh.

"I thought they'd never leave", he says to Jamie. The 21 month old looks up at him and smiles. Lucas chuckles. "And now I'm talking to you."

He walks to the couch and when he lies down he rests James atop his chest. The baby sneezes and Lucas makes a face before reaching for the box of tissues that are on the coffee table.

The young Scott developed a cold recently and Lucas was the last one to catch it. It sucks that he's alone and has nobody to take care of him, but he doesn't need it. He doesn't need someone to make him soup or buy him cold medicine. He doesn't need to curl up to someone and have them rub his back or run their fingers through his hair. He doesn't need what Nathan and Haley have.

And he doesn't need Peyton.

He scoffs to himself. That's a lie if he's ever told one.

He wipes his nephew's nose and throws the used tissue onto the table. He sits Jamie on his stomach and looks at him. He's seen pictures of Nathan when he was younger and it's hard to believe James is his son. Nathan's had dark features his entire life and little Jamie have light hair and light eyes.

It's a common joke that he looks more like his Uncle Lucas.

That's a terrible joke to tell himself because it gets him thinking. It's not the first time since they broke up and he knows it won't be the last, but he finds himself thinking of Peyton. What she's doing, what she's wearing. If she's laughing or if she's crying. Those are all common thoughts he has daily, but as he looks at his godson – this baby Scott – he thinks something else.

A little boy with green eyes and a tuft of blonde hair. A little girl with blue eyes and dimples. A child that would grow to love basketball and draw till their hand fell off. It would be the perfect child and it would be their's.

The perfect mixture of Lucas and Peyton.

He has the overwhelming urge to talk to her. Just to hear her voice. He's felt this way more then once, but this time, as he stares into the blue eyes that mirror his, he can't stop it. He holds Jamie in his arms and carefully stands from the couch. He places the small one into his playpen and checks the clock; it's not late there.

He picks up his phone and hits the speed dial, number 3; he almost rolls his eyes and the irony. He waits with baited breaths for it to ring. That never happens, it goes straight to voicemail. His heart sinks because he won't get to talk to, but at the same time, it's probably easier this way. He closes his eyes and listens as her voice fills his ears.

"_Hey, you've reached Peyton Sawyer"_, her unusually bright voice cheers, it's followed by a typical, dry; _"Congratulations."_

Before it beeps he chuckles to himself. That hasn't changed in years and it makes him love her even more. Once the shrill beep bits his ears he's at a loss for words. He has so many things he wants to says, so many things that he needs to say, but he can't. He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes. The blue, emotion filled orbs focus in on a framed picture of them from senior year. Suddenly, the words are spilling from his mouth;

"I miss you."

_Stones taught me to fly  
Love taught me to lie  
Life taught me to die  
So it's not hard to fall  
When you float like a cannon_

A week after Nathan leaves, Peyton's sitting in her living room listening to some undiscovered bands. The one thing about Los Angeles that she's come to love, is its nightlife. The bands that play at the hole in the wall bars are amazing and she hopes that one day she can let the world hear them.

A knock at her door causes her to pull out her earphones and grab her money. The downfall of living here is that it takes forever for take-out food to arrive. Without bothering to check the peephole she pulls the door open and the second she does, she gasps.

"Brooke Penelope Davis!" she cheers before engulfing her in a hug. The brunette grins and hugs her back the best she can. "I had no idea you were coming tonight", she says in shock as they both walk into her apartment.

"You _would_ know, _if_ your cell phone was on", she scolds playfully and drops all her bags in the center of the room. Peyton laughs and pulls her best friend in for a hug.

"I've missed you, B. Davis", she whispers. Brooke hugs her back and smiles and she whispers;

"It's been a while, P. Sawyer."

The blonde nods and feels her eyes water. She doesn't want to start off a girl's weekend with tears so she laughs and looks at her friend's luggage. "Got enough stuff?" she teases. Brooke shrugs and mutters something about being a fashionista and never having too much stuff. Then she digs through her bags and pulls out a bottle of vodka.

"When your cell was off I figured you were still broody and sad . . . so I got a solution", she says happily and heads to the kitchen. Peyton grimaces at the memories that surround her and Brooke and a bottle of that liquid.

"I'm not _still_ sad", Peyton mumbles indignantly, "And my cell's off because work's been calling", she rolls her eyes and Brooke makes a face.

"Okay, you're telling me about that later", she warns with a stern finger. The blonde smirks and walks to her cell phone. She grabs the charger and plugs it in before turning the device on.

Brooke opens the freezer and frowns when she spots the first ever copy of Lucas's novel. She glances back at Peyton and pulls the book from the cold confinement. Her manicured nails trail over the emblazoned cover and her heart goes out to Peyton in a whole new way.

She knows what it's like to lose the one you love, but to have a constant reminder of everything you used to be . . . she can't fathom it. She sighs and looks at her longtime friend. The girl used to be so closed off and bitter. Lucas changed that and hopefully he can change all of this.

"Hey P!" she calls out and her friend looks up at her with a genuine smile on her lips. Brooke opens her mouth, but closes it soon after. She doesn't want to ruin the first few hours of them spending time together.

"Let's not lose touch again, okay?" she asks softly.

Peyton nods and smiles softly. She loves her best friend and she loves that they're getting back on track. Her brows furrow at the ring indicating a voicemail. She presses 1 and waits for the recording to prompt her for her password. After she types that in she waits. The recording ends; letting her know that the person's message should begin playing . . . that doesn't happen.

It's quiet and the only noise she hears is the in and out breathing of the person on the other end. For a split second she freezes and thinks back to Psycho Derek, but that thought quickly fades. She nearly hangs up when she hears it. The soft and shallow;

"_I miss you."_

Her eyes widen and her heart pounds in her ears. She's never heard those three words sound so broken. She plays it once more and her breathing increases. As Brooke approaches with two small glasses of the clear liquid, she deletes it. Lucas left her.

He doesn't get to miss her.

_Stones taught me to fly  
Love just taught me to cry  
So come on courage!  
Teach me to be shy  
'Cause it's not hard to fall  
And I don't wanna scare her  
It's not hard to fall  
And I don't wanna lose  
It's not hard to grow  
When you know that you just don't know_

* * *

Let me know what you think!


	3. She Has No Time

**I don't own it, just like I don't own "She Has No Time" by Keane.**

So, I went over a few different songs for this chapter and for a while I was set on a Matt Nathanson song, but then I heard this song again after not hearing it for a while and I was hooked. Hopefully you all agree and realize that 'she has no time' is a bit of a play on words.

The timing of the last chapter was the course of a few weeks. As I was watching OTH last night it hit me that I made it seem like the newscaster was reading from the book and as I wrote it that's how I intended it, BUT let's say that it was just a blurb that the publishing company sent out LOL. I hate when I make mistakes.

Julian is around, but he's not playing a huge part, at least not that I think so; he's really just there because he was in the flashbacks at this time. Also, I know three months is a bit too soon for a book to be published, but that's too bad LOL.

I feel mildly bad for writing such angst when LP are so blissfully happy, but I think we all need the right balance in our lives haha. Enough of me talking.

Enjoy!

* * *

_You think your days are uneventful  
And no one ever thinks about you  
She goes her own way  
She goes her own way _

Peyton thanks the barista as she leaves the local Starbucks. She takes one sip of the dark coffee and grimaces. With a frown and a shake of her head she tosses it into the nearest garbage can. Five dollars and it tastes like dirt. Peyton sighs, she's never given the coffee here a fair chance, but that's because she misses the taste of Karen's coffee. The taste of home.

Maybe she doesn't like the taste because it's decaf.

And that's something new to her.

She walks along the avenue and breathes in the not so smoggy air of LA. Summer has arrived and she's done with classes, thankfully. She's also got some time off from work which sparked her last minute walk around the smaller part of the city.

As usual, her thoughts drift to better days and she finds herself picturing Lucas's face. It happens more often then it used to and she thinks it's weird. Shouldn't you think less of someone over time? Especially since she deleted his voicemail in what she now knows was a pathetic attempt at being strong. She always did things kind of backwards when it came to Lucas.

The thing that scares her the most is that he's coming into town. She hasn't purposely been keeping tabs on him or anything; his face is plastered at her local bookstore. It's a new picture, one she's never seen before and he looks so different. It hasn't been that long, but given the circumstances she figures they all look different. Hell, she's got bangs, which she hates.

Her phone rings and she rolls her eyes. In her mind its work calling about some stupid issue that they _need _to talk to her about. She's gotten more responsibility over the last few weeks; no longer working in the mailroom, she's an official intern. When she glances down at her phone his name fills her caller ID. Without hesitation she answers.

"Hello", she says timidly. It has to be that freaky connection that they still have. Here she was, just thinking of him, and he calls. She shakes her head; if that was true he would have called over a million times by now. . .

"_Hey, it's Lucas"_, like he really needed to say that. His voice sounds so good and familiar. It's not the broken 'I miss you' she heard a couple of months ago. _"Umm, I know it's been a while, but umm . . . I'm having a book signing in LA in a couple of days and –"_

"Yeah, I know . . . I mean I – I read about it", she says in hopes of escaping the stalkerish vibe she's giving off. The shock of him calling still hasn't worn off. She unconsciously places a hand on her stomach and smiles stupidly. From the other end Lucas speaks;

_"Yeah, I've been pacing the house for the last hour wondering if I should call. I just – considering how we left things"_, she can picture him pacing the house now. Nervous and blushing. It makes her heart flutter.

She wishes she wasn't outside because is an intimate conversation that she wants to be able to savor. "No, its okay", she assures him. She wants to whisper and make it sound sincere, but she has to talk loudly over the rush hour traffic; "It's actually really good to hear your voice."

Lucas closes his eyes and tilts his head to the ceiling. The words wash over him and it's the best thing to hit his ears in months. _"Yours too"_, he says honestly. He turns from the fridge and takes a deep breath, _"Well, I was hoping . . . I'd love to see you if you're not too busy"_, he waits with baited breath to hear her answer. For him, this is the moment everything can change.

She bites her bottom lip and contemplates the possible outcome. In every scenario she and Lucas see each other and smile. That smile is something she's been missing for a while and she really wants it back. More importantly, she wants Lucas back.

"Umm, yeah, yeah okay . . . sure, I'll be there", by the time she's made her promise she's smiling like a teenage girl.

Lucas lets out a breath and a smile graces his lips. _"That's great, Peyton. Well then I'll, I'll see you soon then"_, the hopeful tone doesn't go unnoticed by her.

"Yeah see you soon", she says with a dazed look in her eyes. She closes her phone and stands in place for another minute. She's seeing Lucas in a few days. Lucas freaking Scott.

She quickly dials Brooke's number.

_You think your days are ordinary  
And no one ever thinks about you  
But we're all the same  
And she can hardly breathe without you_

He walks out from the back room of the small bookstore. On his way he chugs down a bottle of water and then shakes his head. He hasn't been this nervous in a while. Aside from a few days ago, he hasn't felt this nervous in months. He really hopes he sees a flash of blonde curls.

Lucas stands at the table with his hands on his hips and stares at the line that's formed out the door of the bookstore. Today is pretty much another dream come true and that's why he wants Peyton here. He wants to see her and hold her and kiss her and make up for everything that's happened and all the time they've lost. He strains his neck; it doesn't look like any of that will happen.

"Wow, this is a great turn-out", Lindsey says in pride. He doesn't bother to answer, doesn't even look at her until she speaks again, but even that glance is brief; "Listen Luke, I know that this was your first book as an author, but it was my first book to edit and I had the best time doing it so I just wanted to thank you and . . ." she trails off and it makes Lucas smile and look at her once more. "I'm proud of you", she says before placing her hand on his cheek and leaning up to kiss his other one.

He freezes while she does this and the only thought that runs through his mind is Peyton. Her smell, her smile, and her kisses. This isn't natural. Lindsey pulls back and smiles softly before putting her hand on his shoulder, "Okay, you ready?"

It's a simple question, but even though Lucas doesn't know it yet, it's completely loaded. In all actuality he's not ready for anything that's about to come his way, but that's not at all what Lindsey was asking him.

"Yeah", he says simply. She guides him to sit in the chair and once he does he takes the marker in his hand. "I guess everybody's here that's coming", he mutters bitterly.

He doesn't know that his blonde ex-girlfriend has already come and gone.

She had been so excited to come and see him, but that's all disappeared. She leaves the room with that imaged burned into her mind. Peyton flips over the book that she was going to teasingly ask him to sign and reads the words critics have written about the love story – _their_ love story – it all seems like such a lie.

She's so lost in the back cover that she walks right into a man looking at his cell phone. Their shoulders knock and her book falls to the floor.

"Sorry", he's the first one to speak. He turns and bends down. "I'm so sorry", he hands her the book.

"Excuse me", Peyton says sadly. "I'm sorry", she takes the book from him and they lock eyes. A grin forms on his lips.

"Well hey, if it isn't the saddest girl in the world", he teases. Her hands drop to her sides and she walks away from him. God has a sick sense of humor.

"I'm not sad", she counters in a detached voice. He follows after her and snaps his phone shut.

"Okay, but I've only met you twice and both times you were crying", he asses the situations. She hates that this man thinks he knows her.

"Maybe they're tears of joy", she bargains with him. He holds his hands out and tilts his head.

"True . . . are they?" he asks in curiosity. She looks away and they continue to walk.

"No", she answers honestly. She doesn't know why she's still talking to this guy, but there's something about him that makes her want to talk.

"Okay good, cause I've got a favor to ask", _LA men are all the same_, she thinks to herself. "How would you like to accompany me to this _hideous_ industry party full of snooty rich people and shallow, ego-centric, hotshot producer types?" it isn't lost on her that she said almost the same thing to him months ago when they first met.

"It sounds awful", she says with a scrunched face. They stop walking and he stands in front of her.

"So . . . is that a yes?" he stretches for an answer. She looks away and then looks back at him. He is relentless.

"Do you really want the saddest girl in the world as your date?" the word 'date' feels funny on her tongue. She hasn't dated in quite a while, she isn't sure she wants to start any time soon.

"Oh no, no, no, no, it's not a date", he says and the adamant tone in his voice almost makes her smile. "I just want your tears. One look at the crying girl on my arm and nobody's gonna wonder why I'm leaving early", he finishes with a smirk. She's taken back by his honesty and her expression shows that.

It's been so long since anyone's even approached her this way that she doesn't know how to handle it. She smiles and lets an unsure laugh escape her mouth. "Hold on, what'd I say, because if you start smiling like that we're gonna be stuck at this thing."

He's smooth and mysterious. But he also seems genuine. The entire time he talked he smiled at her. Peyton fidgets with her arms and shrugs. If Lucas can move on, why can't she?

"Lead the way", she says with a smile.

_She says she has no time  
For you now  
She says she has no time_

When they step out of the long, black car Peyton takes a deep breath. She barely knows this man, but here she is; stepping out on the town with him. The world couldn't have a worse timing.

"So, I've met you a total of two times and I still don't know your name", she says with a smirk. The man chuckles and holds out his hand.

"Julian Baker", he introduced himself. She smiles before taking his hand in her own. It's rough and so man-like. The complete opposite of every other man out here. They're usually manicured and smoother then hers.

"Peyton Sawyer", she says in the same tone he had used. He smiles genuinely and holds his arm out in the direction of the bar. She nods and walks ahead of him while he hovers his hand at the small of her back.

She walks in and her eyes widen. "Oh I am totally underdressed", she says in embarrassment. Her pink cotton dress had seemed like a good idea at the time. It's short and low cut and flowy and easy to remove. Clearly, she thought too far ahead.

"No, no, you look great", he promises as he glances around. This is a better turn-out then he was expecting. He looks back at her and notices her disagreeable expression. "Besides, this is Hollywood. The worse you dress the more important people assume you are", he teases.

She clutches the novel close to her and makes a face. "Oh, they must assume I'm the Pope", she pokes fun at herself. Julian laughs and takes notice of the man walking over to him.

"Oh wow, thank you", he says as he takes an envelope. "Thanks for coming", Peyton watches as they shake hands and Julian places the envelope in his pocket.

What the Hell? "You didn't tell me it was your bar mitzvah", she teases. Fleetingly she wonders if that was too up front and sarcastic. But then he laughs and shakes his head.

"It's uhh, it's a fundraiser for a script I'm trying to get made", their flirty and friendly banter starts to fade away and for a second they're learning about each other. "I know, talk about boring. It's a good thing you brought a book", he says while staring at the paperback in her hands.

Peyton looks down at it. "Umm, yeah, I was hoping to get it signed. I used to be close to the author", she whispers. They start moving down the walkway. "I feel really dumb for bringing it in", she admits. She should have left it in the stupid car.

"Oh no don't", the last thing he wants to do is make her feel foolish. "Uhh, what's it about?" he asks curiously. This is the first time in his short 23 years of life that he's ventured to the other side of relationships. He usually charms a woman until she swoons and after they sleep together he doesn't see her again.

There's something about this girl that intrigues him.

She looks at him and smiles bashfully. "Me . . . sort of", he looks at her and opens his mouth.

"Then I completely understand why you wanted it here with you", he mocks her playfully. She laughs loudly and shakes her head.

"No see, there's that smile again", he says as they push past people. "Now we're never gonna get out of here."

Her mirth dies down and she looks at him. "Well I guess we'll have to make the best of it."

He locks eyes with her and smiles genuinely. "I guess we will, you wanna get a drink?" she nods and they head over to the open bar.

"I should let you know, I'm a little young to drink", she says mysteriously. He looks down at her and furrows his brows.

"You're not like sixteen are you?" he's completely serious and it makes Peyton laugh loudly. She guesses that it might be a common issue out here in LA, but the fact that he's actually asking her this makes her laugh.

"No", she says through a laugh. "I'm only twenty, but I can't drink anyway . . . I'm driving later", she says and then blushes, but she doesn't know why. Julian smiles softly at the color to fill her cheeks and clears his throat.

"Well, I guess this would be the perk of dating an older man", he smirks and orders a whiskey on the rocks for himself while Peyton sips a glass of water. They walk to a small table and sit across from each other.

"How old are you?" Peyton asks curiously. He can't be much older then her, but he hasn't mentioned anything about school or exams.

"Twenty-three", he says with a chuckle. She nods and sips her water some more. They sit in silence and oddly enough it isn't uncomfortable. It makes Peyton's pulse race. She's never been this comfortable with anyone other than Lucas.

"So, are you in school?"

She nods. "I'm in a five year business program. By the end of it I'll have my masters", she says with a bit of pride. He makes a face and she scowls. "What?"

"Nothing, I just – I don't really picture you as a corporate person; sitting behind a desk and answering to the man", he teases. She narrows her eyes.

"The man?" she mocks. He rolls his eyes. She leaves out the late night conversation she had with her birth mother senior year and the endless talks she's had with her father about the harsh reality of trying to make it big.

But she still opens up.

"Well, you're right, I really actually wanna open my own record label and I figured I'd need some business sense to do so", she shrugs.

"Determination", Julian murmurs. "Very cool." He takes a swig of his drink and for the millionth time that afternoon, Peyton smiles.

Very cool indeed.

_Think about the lonely people  
Then think about the day she found you  
Or lie to yourself  
And see it all dissolve around you_

Lucas smiles and sighs gratefully when he signs the last copy of his book. _His_ book. He's an author. It still hasn't really set in. Lucas Scott, accomplished novelist. He leans back in his chair and feels his back crack. He yawns loudly and that's when he hears a laugh from behind him.

He turns and Lindsey's got a smirk on her lips. "You alright, grandpa?" she jokes. He laughs deadpanned and rolls his eyes playfully.

"It's intense . . . sitting in a chair all day."

"I bet", she mutters. "You did it, Luke", she whispers. "How does it feel?"

He looks around the now empty store and smiles. "It feels pretty damn good."

Lindsey smiles at him and before either of them talk, her stomach grumbles. She blushes and shrugs her shoulders. "Guess skipping lunch wasn't a good idea", she mumbles. Lucas laughs. He's a little hungry too.

"You wanna get something to eat?" he asks casually. Lindsey nods and says;

"Just let me grab my purse."

They head out into the always humid Los Angeles air and tell their driver he has the night off. After that they walk to the small restaurant at the end of the block and because Lucas's name and face is plastered everywhere; they get a table without waiting.

They sit across from each other and this feels oddly like a date. Maybe he can pretend it is. See if he's ready for the big bad world. Their waiter comes over and they place their orders while he scribbles them down furiously. Once he leaves Lindsey clears her throat.

"So, next we need to head to New York. It's been a while since you've been there. Are you excited?"

"I am actually; New York's got a hustle that even LA can't compete with."

They continue to make feeble conversation and laugh at the proper times. It's forced; all of it is forced. He and Lindsey are much better off as friend, this is clear to him, but he needs to keep an open mind. Their food is placed in front of them and the bus boy fills their glasses with more water before walking away.

He watches as Lindsey eats her Cesar salad with grilled chicken and he can only think that Peyton would have ordered the steak and mashed potatoes. He shakes his head. He needs to stop critiquing her. If he ever plans to move on . . .

Move on? He's never really sat down and thought about moving on from loving Peyton. Can he even do that? Is it possible if he hasn't done it by now? He's loved her for so long that it's unfathomable to try to do it now.

Lindsey says something and he tries to reciprocate, but his thoughts are still on Peyton. And when he thinks of Peyton it's like he isn't _allowed_ to think of anything else. She continues to stare at him and then he hears her sigh softly. He knows he wasn't meant to hear it, but he does.

"Sorry", he murmurs. "My head's just somewhere else", he admits. She meets his eyes and nods in understanding. That's the one thing about Lindsey; she always understands. They've worked together quite closely over the last few months and in those times she saw him through a lot of difficult things. Most of them involved editing the words he poured his heart into.

And writing about the love he and Peyton once had.

The check comes and before Lindsey can stretch her arm out, Lucas grabs it and slips in the necessary amount. She smiles and shakes her head. They walk out the restaurant and Lucas hails a cab. As it pulls up to the curb Lindsey looks at him.

"This didn't go so well did it?" Lindsey asks with a questioning smile; apparently he wasn't the only one pretending it was a date. Lucas laughs and sticks his hands in his pockets. Thank God he can stop pretending.

"I'm really sorry, Lindsey", he says sincerely. She waves him off and shakes her head.

"Please, don't be", she insists. "I've spent the past few months editing a love letter to another woman", Lucas looks down at the mention of the curly blonde. "I'd be a fool to think that you were done with that part of your life", she whispers.

He leans forward and kisses her cheek politely. Lindsey slides into the taxi and Lucas waves to her as it leaves him in his spot. He waits till the car turns the corner to pull out his cell phone. He needs to call Peyton.

He needs to know why she didn't show up.

_She says she has no time  
For you now  
She says she has no time  
For you now  
She says she has no time_

_Lonely people tumble downwards  
My heart opens up to you  
When she says_

They stroll down the streets in the darkness. Their main lighting comes from the streetlamps. She's laughing at some ridiculous joke Julian's just made and when her mirth finally slows, he stands in front of her.

"So listen, I had a really good time today", he tells her honestly. She nods and smiles at him. "And so I hope this isn't completely out of line or too forward . . ." he's rambling and he hates it. He doesn't do _this_. He doesn't get nervous or sweaty palms. He's not that guy. "I'd really like to have your number."

"You have a pen?" she asks flirtatiously. He freezes for a second and then frantically pats his pockets for something to write with. He always has pens on him and of course today would be the day that he doesn't.

She shakes her head and digs through her purse. She pulls out a pen and grabs his larger hand. Julian watches as she turns his hand over and effortlessly draws the numbers onto his palm.

"I'll call you soon", he promises and then grins; he hesitates before shaking her hand and walking off. Peyton laughs, that was kind of adorable.

She walks the three feet to her car and slides into the front seat. Today definitely wasn't the day she thought it would be, but somehow it almost seemed okay. That's a lie, today is totally not an okay day. She's spent the day avoiding her thoughts, but now she's alone with them and of course they trail back to the broody blonde that occupies her heart. Lucas Scott has another girl.

She shakes her head and pulls out of the spot. For all she knows it was a meaningless friendly kiss. She could have been an excited fan or maybe that was his editor. Nathan had let it slip once that he was in New York with a Lindsey.

It still doesn't make any sense to her. Why would he call her and ask her to come? Why would he sound so excited to hear her voice? Maybe it was all in her mind, she reasons. Maybe it was her hopeful side coming out and thinking that Lucas really wanted to see her. She's broken from her thoughts by the sound of her cell phone ringing.

She curses and digs through her purse for the small object and cheers triumphantly when she finds it. She reads Brooke's name and smiles.

"Hey B. Davis", she says happily.

"_P. Sawyer! How are you?"_ Brooke's raspy voice rings in the blonde's ear.

"Glad you called", she responds. She lowers her voice for no real reason and whispers; "I need to talk to you about something . . ." At that moment Peyton curses and honks her horn.

"_Are you driving?"_ Brooke asks in concern. The blonde curses once more and her anger towards the road makes her forget what she was saying.

"Yes, but its fine", she eases her friend's concern. "I swear it doesn't matter how long I've lived here . . . I'll never get used to the traffic in LA", Peyton mumbles as she changes lanes. A horn honks loudly and Brooke frowns. She remembers Peyton's driving from high school.

"_Well ease down speedy"_, she teases. _"We all wanna see you one last time before you die"_, she jokes. Peyton rolls her eyes, but then furrows her brows.

"Wait, what do you mean?" she asks in confusion. Brooke grins widely and that's when Peyton hears a toddler squeal in the background.

"_We're here! Me and Naley and little Jamie, it's summer vacation and it's been a while since we've all been together; not to mention Nathan's birthday's coming up . . ."_ her best friend continues to ramble.

"Wait, you're all here? In LA?" she tries to wrap her head around this all. The worst day ever just took a turn for the better. She slides into an opening in another lane and yells out when a random car honks at her.

"_Yes, we're actually standing outside your apartment door. I can't find the key"_, she whispers the last part. Nathan groans and Peyton laughs.

"_You said you knew where it was, Davis"_, Nathan grumbles.

"_Seriously, Brooke we've been standing out here for twenty minute"_, Haley's whiny voice is next and Peyton laughs loudly again. It's times like these that make her miss Tree Hill.

"_Sorry!"_ Brooke mocks sincerity. _"I figured it would be under the mat because that's where most keys go and how was I supposed to know that she'd be gone all day?"_ she snaps at the married couple. _"Where _have_ you been all day?"_ she asks as she focuses back in on Peyton.

"The key is on the molding above the door", she answers first. Brooke stands on her tippy toes and grasps the small silver object. Nathan and Haley both let out breaths of air. The door opens and the three other people scamper in while Brooke stays in the hallway.

"_And where have you been?"_ she asks in interest. Peyton holds the phone in one hand while flicking on her turn signal and looking over her shoulder. She should have invested in one of those Blue-tooth things.

"Umm, I went to Lucas's book signing", she whispers. Brooke gasps and then walks further down the hall.

"_Oh my God! I completely forgot; do you want us to get a hotel for the night? Oh screw that, you totally had sex already . . . wait why don't you sound more excited? What happened?"_ Peyton can feel her eyes water at the remembrance of her day and she shakes her head.

"It didn't end well", she mutters. "I ended up going to some fundraiser with this guy –"

"_Guy? What guy? There's a guy?"_ Brooke asks demandingly. Peyton chuckles.

"He's not a _guy_", she argues. "We ran into each other and . . . remember the guy I told you about right after Lucas and I broke up? Well it was him. His name's Julian and I gave him my number but . . ." her voice trails off as her eyes catch sight of a couple leaving a restaurant. A familiar looking couple.

She takes her eyes off the road completely and stares at Lucas and the woman from earlier today. They're standing by a taxi and Lucas laughs before leaning in to kiss her cheek. The brunette slides into the car and Lucas waves one last time. The whole scene doesn't last longer then a minute, but to Peyton, it feels like a lifetime.

"_P. Sawyer! Peyton!"_ Brooke's voice brings her back and she shakes her head to stop the welling of tears that form once more. It's no use though. Her eyes water over and her vision blurs.

"I'm here", she says with a shaky voice. After that everything happens in slow motion. She goes to change lanes once more. It's clear until a speeding car full of teenagers cut her off. Peyton swerves to avoid it.

She can hear the metal scraping and people screaming. She hears Brooke's raspy voice calling out to her from the floor of her car. She has mental pictures of stolen kisses and "I love you's", and cookie dough fights, and "I'll wait forever's". That single positive sign from last week. The last thing she pictures is _Lucas_ kissing that woman's cheek.

And then it all goes black.

_She says she has no time  
For you now  
She says she has no time  
For you now  
She says she has no time_

* * *

Let me know what you think!

Also, for everyone who might not have noticed . . . I posted some one-shots **9 Crimes** and **Shine** . . . and I updated **Keep Holding On**! Yes, that is shameless plugging. LOL

**Monday's episode**;

Tummy kisses are endgame. And the ending, not only was the 'daddy's home' and the rose adorable – the song was amazing. I looked up the lyrics – because it's me – and they're so fitting for everything that Lucas and Peyton have gone through plus it's simply beautiful; I already know where I'm going to use it for a story. LOL.


	4. Swim

**I own nothing, not even "Swim" by Jack's Mannequin. **

Alright so, Jack's Mannequin is love; or maybe it's Andrew, who knows at this point. Anyway, I've kind of lost him for a while, but after looking around on youtube I've found him and once again, love him. This song it great for the chapter!

A lot of you are very intuitive . . . I love it. Remember, things won't be easy and they'll be hard, but in the end I'm an LPer.

P.S. – I'm totally not a doctor.

Whose excited for LP babysitting tomorrow!

Enjoy!

* * *

_You gotta swim_

_Swim for your life_

_Swim for the music_

_That saves you_

_When you're not so sure you'll survive_

_You gotta swim_

_And swim when it hurts_

_The whole world is watching_

_You haven't come this far_

_To fall off the earth_

Lucas presses his cell phone up to his ear and waits for her to pick up. As he walks down the street he hears a loud crash and people gasping. He turns and his eyes widen at the sight of the 5 car pile up that's occurred behind him.

He hesitates and almost propels himself forward, but other pedestrians do that and he sees the ones that don't run after the cars pull out their cell phones and call 911. He decides that it's okay for him to walk away from this. Karma would understand; he's trying to get Peyton back.

He walks into his hotel lobby and waves at the doorman. Once Peyton's voicemail recording hits his ears he smiles. It's the same as it was all those months ago. It beeps and as he's in the elevator he speaks;

"Hey, it's Lucas", he's silent for a minute and he runs a hand through his hair. "I was wondering if you wanted to get together. I'm still in town and I just, I really thought that you were gonna come and I guess . . . I'm disappointed", he says with a pathetic laugh. "I really wanted to see you", he whispers.

The elevator dings and he steps out. "Umm, could you just give me a call back, please", he whispers before hanging up. He tosses the phone onto his bed and walks straight into the bathroom. A hot shower is just what he needs.

When he leaves the bathroom he throws on a pair of sweats and a white t-shirt. He looks around the room and knows that he can't try to sleep now. TV doesn't seem like a desirable option. He picks up his phone and tries Peyton again; it goes straight to voicemail this time.

He sighs loudly and plops down onto the bed. He runs his hand through his semi-damp hair and looks around the room. It's like he's going stir crazy. Maybe he'll go to the gym. He's tying his shoe laces when his phone rings. He checks the caller ID and frowns when it's not Peyton's name.

"What's up little brother? Can't last a few hours without me?" he teases. Nathan remains quiet and Lucas instantly worries. "Nate?"

"_Dude, you need to get to the hospital"_, Nathan croaks out. Lucas furrows his brows.

"Bro, I'm in LA . . . what's the deal?" he's already throwing stuff into his suitcase because he needs to catch a flight home. He doesn't care if he has to stay there till the red eye is available; his family needs him. But then Nathan stops him in his track;

"_I know, Luke. I'm at Cedars-Sinai there's been an accident . . . you _need_ to get here"_, Nathan's voice trembles and Lucas can feel his heart thump against his body. Why is his brother in Los Angeles? He's brought back to the conversation by Nathan yelling his name.

"What kind of accident?" he whispers in fear. He has the overwhelming sense of dread that he knows what Nathan's talking about.

"_A car accident"_, the younger Scott whispers. Lucas closes his eyes, but still manages to hope for the best. Maybe it's something else. Maybe it's someone else. And then his brother says two words that make him flee the hotel room;

"_It's Peyton."_

In that moment his whole world falls apart. Nathan keeps talking. He asks if Lucas knows how to get there and if he has Larry's number. Lucas doesn't respond to any of it. He charges down the stairs because the elevator would have taken far too long and when he bursts through the doors, he lets the air fill his empty lungs.

He runs down the street faster then he's ever run before and stops when he reaches the restaurant he ate at. This is the spot. This is where it all happened. The police cars and ambulance and the fire truck are all obvious signs. He watches as fire fighters spread sand and the tow truck takes away a small convertible. The police take statements from the people that witnessed it all. If he had done things differently, he would be giving a statement, but he isn't. Without warning his body lurches forward and he dry heaves into the large potted plant. Peyton was in the accident he turned his back on.

He didn't try to save her.

_The currents will pull you_

_Away from your love_

_Just keep your head above_

Nathan only remembers being this scared twice in his life. His senior year in high school when Haley got hit by the car and when Peyton was shot. They've been here for over 45 minutes and they still haven't seen her.

She got wheeled off for X-rays and tests and other things that he can't remember. He looks aver at his wife as she paces the floor with her cell phone by her ear. Out of the three of them, she's been the strongest. She pulled her cell phone out of her bag and walked to the designated spot before going through all her contacts and reaching everyone that needed to be told.

She called Karen and told her what was going on. Nathan doesn't know what happened, but Haley was biting her lip to stop herself from crying; she drew blood. After that she called Larry and that's when she couldn't hold it together. He was in the middle of the ocean and had no idea how or when he was going to be able to get back to land. Currently, she was on the phone with Mrs. Rogers, an elderly neighbor of Peyton's that they left Jamie with.

Brooke's been filling out paper work. She's the one person that's close enough to Peyton to know her allergies and her medical history. He watches as the brunette painstakingly writes things down and then scribbles them out to write something else. She puts down the pen and grabs two handfuls of hair, he's sure she's going to pull out the brown locks.

And him, well he's standing up against a wall trying to control his anger. He knows the little snots that caused this entire accident are in the same hospital and he wants nothing more then to march into their rooms and beat the living shit out of them. He also asks any person in a white coat or who looks like they know what they're doing if they know Peyton Sawyer and if they have an update on her condition.

None of them ever do.

He glances at the clock on the wall and sighs at the time. Right now they should be celebrating being together again, but they're here instead. Brooke finishes the paperwork and after she hands it to the older woman that sits behind the desk she asks if they know anything about her friend's condition. The woman smiles sadly and shakes her head.

Brooke hangs her head and walks over to him. They exchange miserable smiles and Nathan throws his arm around her shoulder. She feels her eyes burn, but blinks the tears back. He hears Haley approach and takes her under his other arm.

"God, this is all so messed up", Brooke's raspy voice whispers. Nathan nods and Haley leans her head on his shoulder.

"You called Luke, right?" Haley asks her husband. He nods and goes to say something, but before he can, a person is wheeled out of the elevator. They all snap their heads around and stare at the deflated head of curls they see.

In an instant they rush over, but there are a lot of people and the police officers are still asking for statements and they're waiting for some parents to arrive because a few kids are minors. They can't get through fast enough and by the time they're close, she's wheeled into her room and the door gets closed behind her.

Nathan bangs his hand against the wall and Haley rubs his bicep soothingly. He's just about to curse loudly when the door opens and two nurses step out. They walk right past the group and they all look at each other. Without hesitation they run into the room.

When they do, they almost wish they never had. She's looks bad. Terrible really and Brooke immediately bursts into tears. Haley, always the maternal one, takes Brooke into her arms and lets the brunette soak her shirt with tears. Nathan simply stares at it all; takes it all in. He's never seen her so banged up.

He hears yelling outside and he meets the other two sets of eyes in the room. He walks out the door and sure enough his brother is nearly jumping over the desk down the hall.

"Lucas", he calls out. He doesn't even realize he's crying until he hears the hoarseness of his voice. He hastily wipes at the fallen water droplets and watches as his older brother rushes in his direction. He's just about to push past Nathan, but he stops him.

"Luke, you need to prepare yourself", he whispers. The blonde swallows hard and nods his head. Nathan doesn't really think Lucas understands the severity of his words, but he can't keep Lucas out here much longer. He moves an inch and a half and his brother pushes past him.

Lucas walks into the room and feels like he's hit a brick wall.

He's seen her with bruises before. She's not that coordinated to begin with and she was a cheerleader. Then, after everything with her crazy stalker . . . her creamy skin was bruised in ways he hadn't seen. Now though, this trumps it all.

She's got machines hooked into her and the ventilator helps her breathe. There are monitors for her heart and brain and she looks so small. Her left leg is broken and so is her left arm. One eye is swollen shut and the rest of her face is a mixture of purple and black. This is Peyton

His Peyton.

His Precious Peyton.

He feels the room spin and his stomach churns. Lucas rushes past Nathan and knocks into a chair. He runs from the room and makes it to the bathroom stall just in time for the bile to rise.

_I found a tidal wave_

_Begging to tear down the dawn_

_Memories like bullets_

_They fired at me from a gun_

_Cracking the Armor yeah_

_I swim for brighter days_

_Despite the absence of sun_

_Choking on salt water_

_I'm not giving in_

_I Swim_

Their last conversation plays over and over in her head. She had tried to get Peyton off the phone, but then they got caught up in talking about her day and the new guy and Lucas. Lucas. She tilts her head in his direction and frowns at his posture.

His elbows are on his knees and his head is resting in his hands. She knows what he's thinking because she's thinking the same things. _It's all my fault_. If she hadn't been talking on the phone . . . and the stupid joke she made. God, if Peyton dies – no, she can't think like that.

She bows her head and wipes at her eyes. She hasn't cried since she broke down in Peyton's room earlier, but because of the intensity of her tears . . . they hurt so badly. _Not more then Peyton's hurting_, a voice mocks her.

"Brooke", Nathan whispers. She looks at him and raises a brow. That's when he nods in a different direction and she spots Peyton's doctor coming right over to them. Her pulse races, but she does everything she can to keep calm.

"Is Miss Sawyer's immediate family present?" he asks politely. Nathan looks at Brooke and Haley's eyes meet hers. Brooke puts her hands on her knees and takes a deep breath.

"I'm her sister", she says easily. Like it's the biggest truth she's ever told. Dr. Collins looks at her and purses his lips.

"Ms. Davis", the tone of his voice lets her know that he doesn't believe her and it infuriates her. In a second she's on her feet and standing in front of him. How _dare_ he try to stop her from knowing anything about her P. Sawyer.

"Dr. Collins", she uses the same tone he had. The older man shakes his head.

"I could get into a lot of trouble for releasing this type of information to a non-family member", he says gently. Brooke folds her arms over her chest. "If you could get in touch with her father or –"

"Her father owns a dredging company; he's always out to sea. Her mother died in a car accident when she was nine and her birth mother died when she was seventeen. I grew up with her; I'm the closest thing to a family she's got! Tell me what's wrong with her!" Brooke demands as she stands her ground. Lucas walks over to her and places his hand on her shoulder. The older doctor looks at the three people before him and then he stares at Brooke.

"It doesn't look good", he begins and Brooke wishes she hadn't fought so hard to hear this. "She's got internal bleeding and a collapsed lung. Her left leg is broken and her left arm is practically shattered. Her collar bone and four of her ribs are cracked. There are a lot of internal issues right now –" before he can say anything else Nathan cuts him off.

"I'll give her a kidney, we've all got two, right?" he asks as he looks to his wife. "Or what about my spleen or liver, doesn't it regenerate? I know one of them does", he grumbles to himself, why hadn't be paid more attention to high school science. "I won't even need a transplant because it'll grow back."

Haley grabs his hand and squeezes gently. Once again Dr. Collins smiles gently. He hadn't even mentioned a spleen or liver and here this man was offering her a good one. He clears his throat and continues.

"We're still waiting on the blood work, but we're going to have to perform surgery. Her lung lost its connection and it needs to be repaired before we can take her off of the ventilator and I want to make sure her bone fragments aren't floating around, if they get into her blood stream it could be deadly. Also, she's got some swelling on her right side . . . normally I wouldn't think it was out of the ordinary for a car crash victim . . ."

Lucas winces at the generic term; it brings him back to the other times she's been in the hospital.

_Unidentified, seventeen year old, shooting victim._

_Assault victim._

_Car crash victim._

"So what does that mean?" Haley asks impatiently.

"She received majority of the impact on her left side, this swelling suggests that her appendix is swollen", her brown eyes widen and he continues. "The last thing we want to add to the list is a ruptured appendix so, I would rather wait for all the blood work, but I don't think that's an option."

"Do whatever you have to do to make her better", Lucas speaks out for the first time since he arrived. His voice is hoarse and he fights back every lump in his throat. He's holding back his breakdown. The doctor meets his eyes and Lucas sees the way they fall.

"We're going to do everything we can", her doctor says and then he walks away. He doesn't promise to make her all better and he doesn't promise to make it all go away. He doesn't give them any hope.

And for the first time in a long time, Lucas prays a silent prayer.

_You gotta swim_

_Through nights that won't end_

_Swim for your families_

_Your lovers your sisters_

_And brothers and friends_

_Yeah, you gotta swim_

_Through wars without cause_

_Swim for the lost politicians_

_Who don't see their greed is a flaw_

Lucas paces back and forth in front of her door. Nathan and Haley went back to her apartment to spend some time with Jamie and make a few more phone calls and get a bit of sleep, but they promised to come back as soon as possible.

He hasn't been back in that room since after he got sick. He's close enough to know that she's okay, but far enough away so that he doesn't have to see her painful wounds up close.

Brooke sits in the chair right beside her and holds her free hand. She's facing the doorway and she can perfectly see Lucas walking back and forth. She looks back down at her best friend and shakes her head.

"I don't think I'll ever understand that boy when it comes to you", she whispers. She's spent a bit of time in the room now and she's been talking every so often. It's something she remembers Peyton doing to Anna and her young blonde friend had said that she wanted her mother to always hear her voice.

She bravely raises her hand and smoothes her hair. She does everything she can to avoid the staples and stitches, her heart just aches. She wants nothing more then for Peyton to spring from the bed and laugh at everyone. She wants to hear her laugh loudly and announce that she's pulled off the world's best prank.

"I'm sorry, Peyton", her voice is soft and she can feel the tears coming. "I shouldn't have kept you talking . . . I should have bought you one of those Blue-tooth things. I should have done something", she says and wipes at the tears that fall.

"Brooke", Lucas's voice is hoarse and it makes her jump. He makes an apologetic face and she quickly wipes at the rest of the tears. "The police have some of Peyton's stuff they took from the car, and they want to talk to you", he whispers softly as he stands in the doorway.

She pushes the chair back a bit, but before she stands she looks at the blue eyed man in front of her. "Would you stay with her?" she asks softly. "I don't want her to be alone", she says almost shyly. Without even having to think about it, he nods in agreement.

"I'll be right back, P. Sawyer", she whispers and then almost seems to wait for her response. They both frown. That won't happen. She gives Lucas a nod and stands to leave the room. The second he's by himself, he wishes he hadn't decided to do this.

Lucas takes a deep breath. It may seem selfish or unrealistic, but this is exactly what he doesn't want. He doesn't want to be alone in this room with Peyton. He just doesn't know what to do. He can't save her from this and it kills him.

He hovers near her bed and sticks his hands in his pockets. He sits in the empty chair beside her and folds his hands atop the bar on the side of the bed. He's itching to touch her; to just feel her skin. He's petrified of hurting her even more, but her hand is the least bruised thing on her body.

So, he takes a deep breath and carefully grasps her hand.

He's missed the feel of her and even though his heart is racing at a thousand miles a second, he's calmer then he's been since he arrived here. She's here. This is real. She's still alive.

"Hey", he whispers softly. He takes a breath and runs his thumb over her knuckles. "So, I totally didn't think the first time I saw you again it'd be like this", he shakes his head. He doesn't know if he's waiting for her to talk or if he's losing his mind. It's probably a bit of both.

He can hear Brooke talking to the officers. Her typical strong, feisty demeanor is in full swing and she isn't backing down from anything that they're saying. He can hear them going over the details of the accident and he closes his eyes. That's the last thing he wants to hear.

Thankfully, before Nathan called him he stuck his i-pod into his pocket. He gently removes his hand from Peyton's and pulls out the small device. He remembers something Peyton told him after his heart attack in senior year . . . how she tried to save him. He scrolls down to their favorite song and places one ear bud into her ear.

"Come on, Peyton", he whispers as he places the other one into his ear. He presses 'play' and waits for the soft melody to fill his ears.

It may not have been a good idea to pick a favorite song of theirs because he's overcome with images of them together and happy and in love. More in love then he ever thought possible and the only thought he can form now is that he might never have that again.

His throat tightens and he feels his eyes burn. He's been her hero so many other times in the years that they've known each other. He needs this to help her. He needs to believe that this is doing something. The tears spill over and his body shakes with heartbreaking sobs. He barely breathes out;

"Let me save you."

_The currents will pull us_

_Away from our love_

_Just keep your head above_

Nathan and Haley walk off the elevator hand in hand. They spent a few hours away from the hospital and it felt like days. There's still a hustle and bustle from the accident earlier and they've both seen the same groups of people at least a hundred times.

In the distance they hear the news reporter giving the latest updates and flashing images their street cameras have caught. She can feel her husbands muscles quiver and she rubs his forearm; she knows just how badly he wants to turn off all the televisions.

"It's okay", she whispers. He shakes his head and stares at the screen on the wall. They haven't watched any reporting's; they've actually stayed far away from any sort of TV.

"It's definitely not _okay_", he murmurs as Peyton's crushed car fills the screen. He closes his eyes and looks away. Haley _can't not_ look. It's a freaking miracle Peyton has a pulse. She can feel her eyes burn and she blinks them rapidly before looking at her husband.

"You know the one thing Peyton will actually _like_ about this situation?" Nathan can hear the tears in her voice and so he wraps his arm around her shoulder and gives her a confused glance. "She bought a rental car when she first got out here."

It takes Nathan a minute before a smile breaks out on his depressed face. Peyton's Comet is her baby. It isn't long before he lets out a chuckle and when he does he looks down at his wife's beaming face. Her whole objective was to hear that laugh.

"I love you, Haley James", he says softly and kisses her once.

"I love you too", she whispers back and as they turn the corner to the wing that Peyton's on, they see the lone blonde sitting on the floor outside her door. Blue eyes meet brown and Nathan nods his head in understanding. Honestly, he wants some alone time with Brooke and Peyton.

When they reach him, he doesn't bother to look up. Nathan squeezes his shoulder and walk into the quiet room while Haley lingers near her best friend. She sighs softly and leans her back against the wall; slowly her body slides down it.

Haley sits with Lucas and rubs his back soothingly. It's been hours and they're still no closer to knowing about Peyton then they were when they first got here. Is she having surgery? Is her appendix going to explode? What about things like physical therapy and rehabilitation?

"How can they not know anything?" Lucas asks in exasperation. Haley shakes her head.

"There are a lot of people here right now, Luke", she says softly. "It was a five car accident . . . that's a lot of people involved."

He closes his eyes. The mention of the accident causes his heart to ache in a way it never has before. "I saw it", he whispers. It's the first time he's uttered that aloud and where it should feel liberating . . . it doesn't.

"Saw what?" Haley asks in confusion. He shakes his head and his eyes glance over to the flat screen TV in the corner. She follows his glance and sees the images she saw only a few minutes ago. "Oh Luke", she mumbles.

"I was leaving a restaurant and I heard it and saw it, but I kept walking", his anger at himself grows as he speaks and Haley feels him begin to shake. "How the _Hell_ could I just walk away from that?"

"You didn't know", she counters. "There's no way you could have known", his head continues to rock back and forth; disagreeing with her words.

"I should have known", he whispers.

In his mind, he should have been able to tell that it was Peyton. He's always known when something was wrong. He's always towards the disaster instead of away from it. He's always running to Peyton.

"Lucas Scott, there is nothing you could have done differently", she says fiercely. He hears Haley's words and he appreciates them, but he doesn't listen to them.

"I jumped into her car when she was running red lights. I beat the crap out of the college kid who drugged her. I ran into our school when there was a gunman on the loose. I fought with a crazy stalker. But this time . . . I watched other people run to her. I watched other people help save her."

"Lu –"

"I need to get some coffee", he whispers suddenly. "I told Brooke I'd get us some. That was fifteen minutes ago", he stands sluggishly and Haley knows not to press the issue any longer.

He turns to his best friend and offers her his hands. Once they're both on their feet they walk down the hall to the vending machines. She knows he doesn't need to hear anything else, but she's Haley, she needs to say something.

"You know she's gonna be okay", Haley murmurs. Lucas looks at her and looks back at the TV screen.

He doesn't really know anything anymore.

_I found a tidal wave_

_Begging to tear down the dawn_

_Memories like bullets_

_They fired at me from a gun_

_Cracking the Armor yeah_

_I swim for brighter days_

_Despite the absence of sun_

_Choking on salt water_

_I'm not giving in_

_But I'm not giving in_

_I Swim_

"How's she doing?" Nathan asks as he sits in the chair across from Brooke. She meets his eyes and shrugs. They haven't spoken since he walked into the room and the noise of Peyton's ventilator is starting to drive him up a wall.

"We don't really know. Her doctor has other rounds to make and they're waiting on the blood work", she mumbles with a sleepy stare.

Nathan reaches for Peyton's hand and carefully cradles it in his own. She always used to tease him that his hands were too rough or that he held on to hers too tightly. When he would roll his eyes she'd make him hold Brooke's hand or caress her cheek. Of course her best friend would agree. It was always the 3 of them against the world.

Now, it was Peyton against so much more.

"Remember when you got your tonsils out when we were 12?" Brooke asks suddenly. Nathan blinks from shock before nodding his head.

"What does that have to –?"

"She hated hospitals, but she was at your bedside the second she could be. After that she vowed to never step foot into one again and I told her I would do everything I could to make sure she didn't have to", he could see where Brooke was going with this and so Nathan stopped her.

"Brooke, there was nothing you could do."

"I was on the phone with her, Nate. You know how she drives and I kept her on the phone all because I wanted to hear some pointless stories. She could have just told me when she got back to the apartment. Now, she'll probably never –"

"Peyton's a fighter, she's gone through a Hell of a lot and she's come through it", he says while staring down at his former lover; silently hoping his words hit her ears and she snaps out of this.

"Yeah, but she's never . . . it's never been this bad", she whispers with a shaky voice. He shakes his head and feels the anger fill his veins.

"No! Brooke, stop that!" the tone of his voice makes her flinch and she meets his blue eyes. "She is going to get past this. She's going to get better!"

His brunette friend looks at him and feels the tears prick her eyes. She wants so badly to believe Nathan and be able to _breathe_, but she doesn't and she can't. She bows her head as those droplets fall and Nathan closes his eyes.

"I'm sorry", he whispers with a hoarse voice. He hadn't meant to snap at Brooke like that, he simply needed to take his anger out on someone. Brooke shakes her head and mumbles that it's alright.

They sit in silence once again and Nathan lets out a sigh. "What's that?" he asks as he looks at the purse in Brooke's lap. Brooke looks down at it as if it's the first time she's ever seen it.

"Peyton's purse", she whispers. She's had it for a while, but hasn't really felt the need to open it. Nathan stares at her expectantly and she playfully rolls her eyes. With a trembling hand she opens it and frowns.

"What's in it?"

"Girly stuff", she says simply. "Were you always this interested in her purses?" Brooke teases for the first time since arriving in this Godforsaken place. Nathan scoffs and rolls his eyes.

"Fine, there's some lips gloss, her sunglasses, pens, gum . . ." her voice trails off as she finds one very heartbreaking object. "Lucas's book", she whispers. In a flash, Nathan's eyes are on her again and his breath is caught in his throat.

"She went to the signing?" Brooke nods her head and then does the opposite gesture.

"It didn't go like she thought it would", she whispers. Her hand skims the cover before opening to the bookmarked page. It's near the end, as she almost expected it to be. What she didn't expect was the bookmark. She furrows her brows and examines the doctor's note.

Why would her best friend have a prescription for prenatal vitamins?

"You alright B?" Nathan asks once he notices her face change. The brunette snaps back to reality and nods her head.

"Yeah, I'm fine", she says softly. "Could you do me a favor and find my coffee? Lucas left like a half hour ago", she smiles and Nathan nods. After he's gone from the room Brooke looks at her best friend.

"What didn't you tell me, P. Sawyer?

_You gotta swim_

_Swim in the dark_

_There's an ocean to drift in_

_Feel the tide shifting away from the spark_

_Yeah you gotta swim_

_Don't let yourself sink_

_Just follow the horizon_

_I promise you it's not as far as you think_

_The currents will drag us away from our love_

_Just keep your head above_

"Peyton Sawyer has a little thing called integrity . . ."

Lucas had found the book on the side of Peyton's bed when he walked back into the room. Nathan and Haley had left a little while ago and took Brooke with them. The brunette needed a shower and some sleep. The married couple promised to come back though.

He continues to read and listens as his voice trembles every so often. He doesn't know why he started to read this, but he can't seem to stop. He needs to hear the words repeated over and over again because he hopes that they'll bring some sort of relief. Maybe somehow his words will hit her and they'll matter. They'll have some sort of effect and make her open her eyes or talk or move. The door opens and he meets Brooke's eyes.

"Hey, I thought you were going to take a nap", he says softly and places the book on the table beside him. She shrugs. Her hair is damp and she's not wearing any makeup. It's obvious that she's showered.

"It's too weird to be there", she mumbles. She sits in a chair on the other side of the bed and runs her finger down Peyton's arm before covering her hand. "She's got pictures of her smiling and it's just . . ." she trails off and Lucas understands completely.

He and Brooke sit in the room in silence. And when the married couple comes in a few minutes later they all hold the coffee that they distribute. They talk softly and sip the warm liquid. The coffee is the one thing that keeps them going; they've been here for hours, but it's felt like days. The nurse comes into the room and quickly examines Peyton's charts. She nods her head and looks at the four people in the room.

"The doctor should be in soon", she says simply and then leaves. The four twenty year olds look at each other and feel their hearts race.

When the gray haired doctor enters, they all stare at him expectantly. He flips through his chart and meets the eager eyes of the barely adults that sit before him. He loves his job, he really does, but its patients like her that makes his heart ache. So many people care for her and it just wouldn't be fair to lose her.

"Is Miss Sawyer's boyfriend or partner present?" he asks before saying anything.

Nathan sneaks a look at his brother. Lucas stares back at him with a questioning glance. What is he supposed to say? I'm her former boyfriend slash almost fiancé? He may have been the most recent person to date her, but they broke up so suddenly that he almost expects Nathan to stand up. At least that way they'd get some information.

"She's not seeing anyone", Brooke mumbles impatiently.

She doesn't see the point in all these questions. The doctor nods and scribbles something down on that chart of his. He looks back at them and Lucas swears he stares solely at him. Dr. Collins clears his throat and removes his glasses. The next words to leave his mouth cause everyone to gasp;

"Oh, okay then, are any of you aware of Peyton's pregnancy?"

_Just keep your head above_

_Swim_

_Just keep your head above_

_Swim_

_Swim_

_Just keep your head above_

_Swim_

* * *

Let me know what you think!


	5. Your Love Is Strong

**I don't own it, nor do I own "Your Love Is Strong" by Jon Foreman.**

This song is amazing . . . it's also quite religious and it's not me trying to preach or anything . . . okay I don't know, maybe I thought too much into that point, but basically it's amazing and he was heard on OTH this past Monday with a different song. Check him out.

P. S. – Never been to Cedars-Sinai, don't know if they have a garden; just roll with it. And I'm still not a doctor. The thing about the San Diego doctor and the appendix removal is true though; I try to do a little research LOL.

P.S.S – what's with this no Chad for season 7 nonsense? I don't believe anything until Mark or Chad comment on it themselves.

Enjoy!

* * *

_Heavenly Father, you always amaze me  
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life  
Give me the food I need to live through today  
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me  
Lead me far from temptation  
Deliver me from the evil one_

"Oh, okay then, are any of you aware of Peyton's pregnancy?"

They're all silent for a long while after that statement. Lucas's eyes fly to Peyton and in some mirage like fashion he can see a small bump. He knows there isn't anything to see and if there is an actual bump, it's because of swelling, but that doesn't stop his heart from racing.

"I'm sorry", Haley breaks the stillness of the room. "Pregnant?"

Dr. Collins nods his head. "She's about ten weeks along. This does complicate a few things now, simply because if we perform surgery we risk losing the baby –"

"But if you don't, you risk losing Peyton", Brooke whispers. The older man nods, these kids are on point and that almost makes it harder for him. He clears his throat and looks at them. He wants to give them the slightest bit of hope without having to say there's hope involved.

"There's a procedure that they performed in San Diego . . . they removed a patients appendix through their mouth. We're bringing that doctor in, that's what's taken so long and why we were able to wait for her blood work."

"So that's what you're going to do?" Nathan asks to make sure he's following the words of the doctor. There are many times when he doesn't care about these kinds of things, but when they involve Peyton, he wants to know all the details possible.

"Yes, essentially we want to save Miss Sawyer, she's our first priority."

"But the baby", Lucas finds himself whispering. He leans over and carefully places a hand on the blanket that covers his blonde love.

"This isn't an ideal situation, believe me, but sometimes the risks are worth it", he says sincerely. Brooke nods and clears her throat. She's just learned that her best friend is pregnant and now she might lose that baby.

"Well, what else are you going to do?" she asks softly.

"We need to drain her internal bleeding and we have to reset her bones. I also want to make sure the bones fragments are aren't floating around."

"How long should it all take?" Haley asks softly. The doctor looks at the clock on the wall before glancing back at Peyton.

"We still need some time for the specialist from San Diego to get here and because of everything else that happened, a majority of our OR's were filled. It will probably be another hour before she gets into surgery and from there . . . I don't want to give you guys any false hopes in regards to timing."

_At least he's honest_, Lucas thinks. He hasn't taken his eyes off of Peyton, but he's well aware to everything that's going on. The walls start to close in on him and he can't take a deep breath. Without a word, he shoots up from the chair and heads into the hallway.

Once he's out of the room he takes a deep breath and lets it fill his lungs to capacity. He lets it out slowly and closes his eyes. He leans against the wall and runs his hand over his face while he mulls over the last few hours.

The anger courses through his veins and he wants to kill the kids that caused all of this. Reckless driving. All because they were fooling around and weaving in and out of other cars. He knows 1 or 2 of them are still here and with that knowledge, he pushes off the wall. Maybe he'll pay them a little visit.

"You know", his brother's voice causes him to stop in his tracks. "If the circumstances were different I'd beat you up", his serious tone has Lucas squinting his eyes.

"What are you talking about?"

Nathan walks up to him and folds his arm over his broad chest. "Are you kidding me?"

Lucas averts the blue eyes that match his and bites his bottom lip. He knows exactly what his younger brother is talking about, but he didn't think he'd have to talk about it now. Who would have guessed Nathan was so intuitive?

"It's complicated, Nate", he whispers. The brunette Scott scoffs and rolls his eyes.

"Simplify it for me", he says easily.

"I . . . after we slept together, I was still upset about the proposal. I couldn't stay there", he whispers. Nathan lets out a breath.

"Luke –"

"I know", he whispers. "If I hadn't of left we'd still be together and she wouldn't have gone to that stupid signing and she wouldn't have been driving . . ." his voice trials off as his eyes water and a sob leave his mouth.

Nathan pulls him in for a brotherly hug.

"That doesn't matter now", he says softly. "You're here when it matters and she'll see that."

Lucas clings to his brother and lets the tears fall freely. He never would have guessed that this was the person he'd break down in front of, but sometimes you need your family.

"Come on, let's get you to a shower", Nathan says as he breaks away. Lucas shakes his head.

"I can't leave her", Nathan gives his older brother a weak smile.

"You won't be gone long", he promises. "There's nothing left for you to do, Luke. I'm sure the girls will call."

Lucas looks to the door and back at Nathan. He starts to shake his head, but Nathan stops him.

"You smell like ass", he says bluntly. Lucas freezes before a small laugh escapes his mouth. "Come on", he orders as he walks away. "We'll stop at your hotel and get your clothes too."

They walk past the room and Lucas catches a glimpse of the girl in the bed. He knows if she doesn't make it out of this, he won't either.

_I look out the window the birds are composing  
Not a note is out of tune or out of place  
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers  
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day_

He sits right next to her and holds her hand. He hadn't been gone for more then an hour, but it was the longest hour of his life. He showered quickly and grabbed the first set of clothes he saw before running out the door and hailing a cab. His hair is still damp and his button up shirt isn't buttoned. He's alone with her and he takes the moment to breathe it all in.

Peyton is pregnant.

And it's more then likely his child.

He shakes his head; of course it's his child. Brooke said she was single, but that doesn't mean she wasn't out doing other things. He puts his head in his hands. She's not the kind of person to sleep around.

But, he was never the kind of person to leave her.

He mentally curses himself. He needs to stop thinking these things. The baby might not even make it out of all this, so in reality it doesn't matter. He rolls his eyes. Of course it matters. It's a baby and it's Peyton and it's everything he's always wanted.

"Hey", Brooke rasps as she walks into the room. Lucas pulls his hand off of her stomach and rests it in his lap. The brunette kinks an eyebrow. Does he really think she didn't see that?

"Hey preggers", she says next as she puts a vase on the table. She walks over to her best friend and gently kisses her forehead. Lucas clears his throat and Brooke meets his eyes.

"Take a walk with me", it's not a request or a question. She's letting him know that they're going for a walk.

"I don't want to miss her –"

"I talked to Dr. Collins", she says simply. "We've got some time", she walks around and grabs his arm. He takes one last glance at Peyton, just to know she's there. Together they leave the room.

"How do you get that information?" he asks teasingly. Brooke shrugs innocently. So far she's been the only one to get any type of answer from that man.

"I'm Brooke Davis", she says with a dimpled smile. He nods, as if that response sums it all up. When he thinks about, it really does.

"So, what do you want to talk about?"

They head out to the quad that connects the four buildings. The suns out and it's hotter then he ever imagined it could be. This is LA though. Sun, smog, and all that good stuff. He looks over at Brooke and knows she's thinking the same things.

"Peyton . . . and you . . . you guys slept together", she whispers. He hangs his head and looks at Brooke from the corner of his eye.

"Nathan told you?"

"Nathan knows?"

Lucas sighs. "Yeah, he asked me about it earlier. If Nathan didn't say something then . . ."

"Peyton did. She called me the day after you broke up and spilled the beans", she whispers.

They continue to walk and Lucas listens to the birds chirping and the he feels the sun beating down upon him. It's a beautiful summer day and all he can think about is how Peyton should get to experience this.

"How are you?" his former girlfriend asks him. He shrugs and looks her way.

"Okay, I guess", he mumbles. The brunette shakes her head and makes a face.

"Lucas", she says softly. "_How are_ _you_?" she asks again.

Clearly Brooke Davis still doesn't take no for an answer. He clears his throat and sighs loudly. "The last few hours have been the most intense hours of my life", he says quietly. "First I'm faced with the prospect of losing the love of my life and then I'm faced with being a father only to be faced with _not_ being a father . . ." he trails off as his voice falters and Brooke puts her hand on his shoulder.

"Luc –"

"I don't know why I'm so upset about that", he says softly. "I don't even know if I'm the father", the second he says that Brooke's hand leaves his shoulder and whacks the back of his head. "Ow, Brooke!"

"Are you kidding me?" she asks rhetorically. "Lucas, of course it's yours."

She says it like it's the most obvious truth in the world and it makes him feel even worse for questioning it. "Lucas, after you guys broke up, where her head and her heart were at . . . she couldn't have just gone out and slept with someone else."

His blue eyes stare at her for a minute. He remembers Peyton saying something similar to him in their junior year. It was right after the truth came out about him sleeping with Nikki. Peyton's never been the type of person who follows the 'to get over someone, get under someone else' method. And it makes him love her even more.

"You're right, I'm sorry", he whispers. "I just, I don't know how to feel about everything", he admits. Brooke nods and pulls him in for a hug.

"It's going to be okay", she whispers with conviction. "Peyton Sawyer is a warrior", he appreciate her words, but he knows she's really speaking out loud for herself. These are hard times; times they shouldn't have to deal with.

"We should head back in", he whispers as they break apart.

They're back in just enough time to say goodbye and watch as she's wheeled off.

_So why should I worry?  
Why do I freak out?  
God knows what I need  
You know what I need_

The entire time she's in surgery Lucas is a wreck. He's up and down at least twenty times in ten minute intervals. The other three watch him with a cautious stare. They're starting to get dizzy from all his activity.

"Lucas, _please_ sit", Haley begs him. He looks at them sheepishly and does as Haley requests.

"Sorry", he mumbles. "I just don't like waiting."

Brooke lifts her head from Nathan's shoulder and rubs her tired eyes. She yawns and then runs her hands over her face. "How long has it been?"

"A few hours", Lucas responds as he glances at the clock. He lets out a breath and rests his head against the wall. He hasn't slept. Hasn't even closed his eyes in the last 24 hours. He doesn't even like to blink. It's like every time he does all he can see are the cars piled up and the people's horrified expressions.

"I cannot believe she's pregnant", Haley whispers. It's hard for her to fathom what's going to happen next for Peyton. It's clear that the child is Lucas's, but she might – they might – lose it. She can feel the tears prick her eyes. After her car accident, waiting to hear that heartbeat was the most intense 5 minutes of her life.

"Did she know?" Lucas asks as he looks around at his friends. His brother and best friend shrug their shoulders, but Brooke doesn't move. "Brooke?"

The brunette slumps her shoulders and looks at the blonde. "I found a prescription for prenatal vitamins. It's only about a week old and she never told me, I don't think she knew for too long."

"I can't believe she's pregnant", Lucas whispers. _With our baby_, his mind screams. Haley looks over at him and squeezes his knee caringly. She doubts he really wants to talk about any of it, but as his best friend, it's her job to try.

"How are you dealing with all of this?" she asks softly. He looks at her and lets out a breath. He shrugs his shoulders before looking at her.

"A few hours ago I didn't even know about a baby. All I wanted was for Peyton to live and breathe and look at me. Now, she's carrying my child and I don't know how to feel", he says honestly.

"Am I supposed to be scared of losing it? Is it terrible that I only want Peyton to be safe?"

Brooke smiles sympathetically. "Lucas, its okay to be confused. We're all still wrapping our heads around it so it's natural for you to be doing the same."

"I think I'm gonna get some more coffee", he whispers before standing and moving around the waiting room. Nathan stands and calls out to him.

"Is it alright if I come?" Lucas nods and they walk down the hall together. It's silent for most of the time until Nathan sighs and looks at his older brother.

"After Haley had the accident in senior year, I was a mess. Not only was it my fault, but we could lose the baby; I could lose my wife. I know what you're going through", he whispers. Lucas nods, but still doesn't completely accept it.

"Luke, I wouldn't change what happened and I wouldn't give back Jamie for the world, but if they had asked me what to do . . . I would have told them to save my wife at any means possible. Haley and I can make more babies; nobody could have made another love of my life."

Lucas looks at his brother and smiles sincerely. It may not be the most articulate sentence ever, but he knows the point his brother is making. And he's thankful for it. Hearing everyone say the words is one thing, but hearing them from someone that lived a similar experience is another.

"Thanks man", he says as he claps his shoulder. The younger Scott waves him off and they continue to walk. When Lucas yawns, Nathan smirks.

"When's the last time you slept?"

Lucas pours some milk into his cup and shakes his head. "I haven't. Every time I even close my eyes, I see that accident and I imagine things and it's just easier not to sleep."

"After she's out of surgery you should try to take a nap", Nathan suggests. Lucas raises his brows. "I'm just saying, Sawyer's not gonna wanna see your bloodshot eyes and the bags above your cheeks."

"Thanks", the blonde mutters. They grab the coffees and walk back to the waiting room. Neither says anything because there isn't really much left to say. However, his mid keeps reeling and his thoughts keep wondering.

"She's gonna come back to me, right?" he asks suddenly.

He's depending on an answer from Nathan because he's sure to get the most honest one possible. His brother's shocked at first, but that wears off and he nods. "Yeah, she's coming back", he promises.

Lucas lets out a breath, as if his brother has the power to guarantee that and they meet the girls in the waiting room. They all sip their coffee and think about what's yet to come. They both know this seems like the worst of it, but there's a lot left in the deck of cards life has handed them.

The elevator dings and they all snap their heads down the hallway. Dr. Collins steps out and they hold their breath. His steps are soft, but determined. When he approaches them he smiles gently and says the two words that bring them to tears.

"She's okay."

_Your love is  
Your love is  
Your love is strong  
Your love is  
Your love is  
Your love is strong  
Your love is  
Your love is  
Your love is strong_

Hours pass and Lucas still doesn't enter the room. He doesn't really know what he's afraid of. Maybe he's not even really afraid. He's been on the phone with his mother and with Larry and he's had to call a few other people from high school that they all know. The news reports do wonders.

He glances into the small rectangular window and catches Brooke's eye. She nods for him to come in, but he can't. His arms won't push the door open and his legs won't propel him forward. He has no control over it at all.

Inside Brooke rolls her eyes and sighs loudly. She doesn't understand him sometimes. He's always so fiercely protective of the blonde in the bed, but he can't seem to walk into the room and see her in the state of wellness.

When she thinks about it, it makes some sense. He's always the one to save her from the world; he never really has to see her affected by the drastic results of the situations she's been in. It must be a total blow to his ego.

"Oh P. Sawyer", Brooke says softly.

She lets out a breath of air that she's been holding in for the last few hours. The worst is over, or so she's been told. They only got a few words out of her doctor before he had to rush off for another emergency. She looks better though, Peyton, she's almost normal looking.

Nathan smiles from his chair and smoothes his wife's hair. She fell asleep a few minutes ago and he hasn't had the heart to wake her up. Carefully, he stands and rests her body on the chair he had occupied. He walks over to Brooke and places his hand on her shoulder; his other hand touches Peyton's cheek.

"She looks better, right? I mean it's not just me, is it?" he mumbles with a chuckle.

Brooke laughs because he was just thinking the same thing. "She does, but I don't know if it's just the way we're thinking", she admits. Nathan laughs and nods his head. When her doctor walks back in it's a much calmer reaction then they've given before.

Polite smiles are exchanged and even _he_ looks lighter. "How is everyone?" he asks curiously. They shrug and when he nods in the direction of Lucas, Brooke makes a face.

"Alright well, the surgery went smoothly. Her bones are reset and her blood was clear. We fixed the pathway for her lung so that's why she's off the ventilator. Her appendix was removed and that went beautifully."

"How come she hasn't woken up yet?" Nathan asks.

"She's in a medically induced coma. Waking up is the only job she's got right now. If that doesn't happen within the next few days, we'll slowly bring her out of it."

"What about the baby?" he asks another question.

"That's still unknown. We'll need to perform an ultrasound, but I want to wait for Peyton to wake up."

"So it's pretty much a waiting game now, huh?" Brooke asks softly. Dr. Collins nods and then his beeper sounds in the room.

"I have to take this", he mumbles. "Do you have any other questions?" the two brunettes shake their heads and he leaves the room.

On his way out he passes Lucas. The blonde pushes away from the wall and averts his eyes in an attempt at seeming causal. It's a moot action because it's more then obvious that he had his back pressed against the wall and listened to everything that was said. His beeper sounds again, but he stops.

"Go in there", he encourages. "You know you need to", he doesn't know Lucas personally and he makes it a habit not to get connected with his patients, but it's impossible not to feel connected to this group of kids. He's got three at home around the same age and he only hopes they have friends that would stick around like they have.

He doesn't give Lucas a chance to respond; choosing to leave him with those words. Lucas takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He knows he needs to see her and her doctor telling him is the straw to break the camel's back. Before he has a chance to chicken out he moves to the door and walks inside.

She's breathing without the help of a machine and that puts his heart at ease. There aren't as many tubes in and around her body. Her swelling and bruising has gone down a lot. For the first time since entering this hospital he sees Peyton.

His Peyton.

His Precious Peyton.

_The Kingdom of the Heavens is now advancing  
Invade my heart, invade this broken town  
The Kingdom of the Heavens is buried treasure  
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?_

The days go by and she doesn't wake up. The summer heat hits Los Angeles harder this year then any other year and that's not him exaggerating; it's been on the news. The combination of heat mixed with the fact that they have nothing else to do make waiting even more unbearable.

On the third day Nathan and Haley actually took a walk with Jamie and took in the sights. It was the whole reason for them coming out here in the first place and they both knew Peyton would be pissed if she woke up and all they spent their time staring at her.

On the fourth day Brooke returned all her phone calls and e-mails. It wasn't the best idea to go into business with her mother and then disappear. Since the semester was hectic enough, she's got fashion shows and interviews and meetings lined up for the summer. Surprisingly, Victoria understood and told her that there wasn't any rush. The clothes and everything else would still be there whenever she returned home.

Today, the fifth day, Lucas is alone with Peyton. Nathan, Haley, and Brooke are all at Peyton's apartment. They're cleaning and napping and spending time with Jamie. He wasn't going to complain about the alone time though; which was odd. A few days ago he didn't want to step a foot in here and now, now he barely leaves.

He yawns out the last sentence of a chapter in _To Kill A Mockingbird_. It's one of her favorite books and since he's been running out of ideas, he grabbed the tattered book on his way out of her apartment this morning. The small words are making him tired and he doesn't like to sleep. So, he rests the book on the floor and rests his hand on her cheek.

He runs his thumb over her skin and lays his head on his arm. Softly, tiredly, he begins to talk to her;

"My mom called today . . . she wanted to check in with you. You know her though, she's all smiles and laughs, but she's absolutely terrified. You're like the daughter she never had and . . ." his voice trails off and he clears his throat. "She's just glad that you'll be waking up soon", he finishes.

He leans a little closer. "I know about the baby, Peyt and I'm not mad. Really, I'm not. I guess I should be, maybe I should be, but in the midst of everything, that seems so unrealistic. You're pregnant and it's mine – it's _ours_ – and that's probably the best thing that could happen", he admits.

"But, if it comes down to the wire and the baby is too much stress, I don't want you overdoing it", he whispers. "I know that the doctors say everything looks fine and all that, but I'm just telling you that it would be okay. We can have more babies, after we get married", he slips in.

"And I really wish you'd just wake up so that I could get a response", he mutters playfully. His eyelids flutter and he does everything he can to stay awake. His words must contain the smallest amount of magic because a minute after his sentence she moves under his touch.

He shoots up in his chair and freezes. He imagined that. He had to have imagined that. He can feel his heart race at an incredible speed and he stares at her. When she doesn't move he tucks his hand into hers and waits to feel some kind of pressure. His other hand rests on the call button; ready to alert the entire floor of this miracle.

Instead of a pressure she grazes her thumb across his knuckles.

He frantically presses the button and then he speaks to Peyton. "Baby, open your eyes", he whispers. "Come on; let me see those green eyes of yours", he begs. Her lids flutter faintly and then more adamantly.

Soon enough, he's staring into those green orbs.

"Hey baby girl", he says affectionately. Her eyes are wide and frantic and her heart rate soars. He leans forward and whispers into her ear. "Calm down, sweetie, you're in the hospital. Do you remember the accident?" he asks carefully.

She blinks and he watches as her heart slows down. He hands her a cup of water and holds the straw while she takes careful sips. She's still panicking and he's doing his best to calm her down, but it doesn't seem to be working.

"Peyt, you need to calm –"

"The baby", she says hoarsely. Her hand leaves his and rests atop her stomach. She flinches at the pressure she applies. Lucas's mouth drops.

"You _do_ know?" she makes a face and he shakes his head. "That doesn't matter", he mumbles. "As far as they know everything's okay, but they can't be certain until they perform an ultrasound."

She closes her eyes and he strokes her blonde hair. When green meets blue, she smiles softly. "Hey", she whispers.

He grins and leans his face down to hers. "Hey yourself", he whispers and then kisses her cheek gently.

At that moment the head nurse walks in and smiles at the sight. "Welcome back Miss Sawyer", she says with a sweet smile. Peyton looks at Lucas and he shakes his head. He doesn't want to overwhelm her with too much information, but when she looks at him with _those eyes_, he caves.

"You've been out for a few days", he mumbles. Her eyes widen and she shakes her head. This is a lot to wrap her head around. The nurse writes a few things down and pages Peyton's main doctor. While she does this, she also lists off the reasons Peyton's sore or in any other type of pain she might be in.

Lucas sneaks away to call their friends, but he doesn't stay on the phone long. He wants to get back inside to see Peyton.

Because she's awake.

And he's spending as much time with her as possible before Brooke gets here.

_Two things you told me__;  
That you are strong  
And you love me  
Yes, you love me_

Brooke Davis doesn't think she's ever been happier in her entire life. Her best friend's been in and out of consciousness for the last few days, but she's remained awake for most of this day. They haven't really had the chance to talk and since they're alone now, Brooke clears her throat.

"I'm sorry", she whispers. Peyton eyes her in confusion and it causes Brooke to continue. "I shouldn't have kept you on the phone, Peyton. I know you drive like a maniac, I should have waited till I saw you . . ."

"Brooke, stop it", the blonde reprimands. "It's just as much my fault. I could have told you I needed to go, but I told you it was fine. Plus, those teenagers came out of nowhere. I'm pretty sure that I would have been here regardless of if I was on the phone", Brooke wipes her eyes and stares at her friend.

"I've missed you, P. Sawyer", she whispers with a small laugh. Peyton smiles and waves her over.

"Give me a hug, B. Davis. Just watch the broken bones", she says jokingly. Brooke narrows her eyes.

"Not funny", Peyton apologizes and once they hug cautiously the brunette looks at her. Peyton kinks her eyebrow and Brooke looks away.

"What is it?" her best friend looks at her and shakes her head. "Brooke, come on", she urges. Brooke lets out a noise and reaches for a vase.

"The other day these came", she begins. Peyton looks at all the other flowers in her room and fails to see the issue. "They're daisies", once again Peyton is lost. "They're not personal enough to be from someone you _know_, but they're charming enough to be from someone you know."

"Okay, I don't get it", Peyton says honestly. Brooke swallows and takes off the card.

"Who's Julian?" she asks bluntly. Peyton's eyes fill with recognition and she looks to the ceiling. "Whoever he is, he's texted and called."

"Brooke!" she says with a laugh. The brunette shrugs innocently.

"Someone had to check your messages. You know that's my pet peeve", she defends herself. Peyton chuckles and answers her friend's first question.

"Julian is the guy from the event I went to", she says simply. "I gave him my number, but clearly nothing came of it", she says as she rolls her eyes. Brooke makes a noise and quirks her perfect eyebrow.

"So he's single?"

"Brooke, I'm not hooking you up with him", she says with a laugh. She pouts heavily.

"Why not?" She asks incredulously. "Are you in to him?"

Peyton laughs. "No."

Brooke's silent and she meanders away from her own love life. "Speaking of being in to people –"

"Smooth Brooke", Peyton mumbles.

"Shut up, what's going on with you and Lucas?" she asks in interest. Peyton shrugs. Nothing's really gone on. He was here when she woke up and he's been here ever since; according to every other nurse and her doctor; he's been here since day one.

"I don't know", she answers honestly.

"But the baby . . ." Brooke begins, but is cut off when Lucas walks into the room. "To be continued", she mumbles before placing a kiss to Peyton's forehead.

"I'm gonna grab something to eat. It's good to have you back, P", she says sincerely and when Peyton smiles the brunette leaves.

"And then there were two", Lucas whispers. Peyton meets his eyes and feels a blush rise to her cheeks. She knows that look he's giving her, but she doesn't understand it. She's trapped in a bed with bruises and slings and casts and he still looks at her like she's the most gorgeous woman in the world.

It's the look of love.

And that's what confuses her the most. He's here and he's looking at her like that. He holds her hand and kisses her everywhere, but her lips. He calls her pet names and whispers encouraging words.

But three months ago he left her in a hotel room.

She's too tired to analyze anything. She's too tired and too emotionally unstable. All she does know is that he's here and he's looking at her like he loves her. The one thing she's wanted since the day he left was his love and for him to return. Okay, that's 2 things, but she just survived a car accident; she deserves a little leeway.

"What are you thinking about?" he snaps her from her thoughts. She smiles bashfully and shakes her head.

"Nothing important", he sits in the chair Brooke had previously occupied and shakes his head.

"I don't think that's possible", there are those sweet words again. She looks at him and for the first time she notices just how tired he looks. It breaks her heart.

"You need to sleep", she muses. He chuckles humorlessly.

"I don't sleep. I haven't slept since . . ." he trails off and images of that terrible accident flood his mind. Then he looks at her in his bed and it almost seems okay. She's breathing on her own and she's talking and flirting. She's alive.

"What are you thinking?" she reaches for his hand and squeezes it gently.

"I'm glad that you're alive", he breathes out honestly. She sucks in a breath and he continues. "You're talking and smiling and laughing. You blink your eyes and . . . _you're alive_", he whispers again. His eyes fill with tears, but he blinks them back. "I thank God everyday for this. I don't ever want to miss out on seeing you do those things again", he says softly. Peyton's eyes widen and she bites her bottom lip.

"So what does that mean?" she asks in a small voice. Lucas smirks and kisses her brow.

"It means . . . I love you and I'm hoping it means you'll be my girlfriend again", his smirk turns into a smile and it makes Peyton remember all the reasons why she loves him.

"I was hoping you'd ask that", she whispers. He lets out a breath and leans forward to capture her lips.

It's soft and passionate and she's never felt so much emotion pumped into one kiss. Her hand cups his cheek and he rubs back and forth from her elbow to her wrist. They break apart and fill their deflated lungs with air.

"I love you too, Luke", she whispers ardently. He kisses her once more and she moans at the feel of his warm lips and his breath against her. His hand leaves her arm and rests atop her covered belly. When he pulls away this time, she knows why. She doesn't blame him at all for wanting to know.

"Peyton, I don't want to have to ask, but I – the baby . . . we were together –"

"It's yours, Lucas", she whispers. "I love you too much to ever think about doing something like that", she says softly. His eyes fill with water and when she raises her hand to caress his cheek, they spill over.

This time when he cries, they're tears of joy.

_Your love is  
Your love is  
Your love is strong  
Your love is  
Your love is  
Your love is strong  
Your love is  
Your love is  
Your love is strong  
Your love is  
Your love is  
Your love is strong_

"Good morning, Miss Sawyer."

Peyton rolls her eyes and waves her hand at him. "I've told you, call me Peyton", she insists for what she knows is the twentieth time. He smiles and nods, like every time, but she knows he'll still address her formally.

"How are you feeling today?" he asks as he writes down her stats and looks over her stitches. She shrugs slightly and then looks at Lucas.

"I'm actually better then I've been in a while", Lucas smirks and then sends a wink in her direction. Her heart speeds up and the doctor watches as it jumps spikes on the monitor. He chuckles.

"Young love, I remember it well", he muses while writing something else down. Both blondes blush. "Do you think you're up for an ultrasound?" he asks softly.

Peyton knows she isn't really ready for anything an ultrasound could provide, but she needs to do this. She needs answers for the questions that are running through her mind. Lucas looks at her and whispers gently;

"I'll be right here with you."

And with those 6 words flowing through her veins she nods her head. The older man smiles and leaves the room. He's only gone for a second before returning with a woman around his age and the ultrasound machine.

"This is Nurse Meyer, she's going to perform the ultrasound", they all smile politely at one another and wait for things to get set up. The nurse finishes whatever she needs to do and she sends Dr. Collins a nod.

"Okay, before we get started I want you to know that at 11 weeks it's hard to detect a heartbeat to begin with . . . given everything that's happened . . .", Peyton nods. He doesn't need to say anything else. She just really wants to get this over with.

They turn on the machine and place a small amount of gel on her stomach. Lucas holds onto her good hand and he brushes his hand along her forehead. The nurse takes the other device and moves it along her flesh. She hits a few buttons and glances at the young blondes. She doesn't need to say anything. They know it's there.

The unmistakable sound of silence.

Peyton's eyes water and Lucas holds his breath. He really doesn't know how to react now. In the short amount of time since he's learned of his impending fatherhood he's attached himself to the fetus inside of Peyton. And now it's gone. Dr. Collins looks at Peyton and she shifts under his gaze. That's when something changes.

The rapid thud of an 11 weeks old heart fills their ears.

Peyton can feel her breath catch in her throat and Lucas's eyes burn with tears. There's a heartbeat. The baby is still alive. _Their_ baby is still alive. The beats continue in succession and he doesn't think he's ever heard a more wonderful noise.

They look at the doctor who's been with them through this entire experience and while he attempts to remain professional, they can see the grin begging to break free. He nods his head and a gust of air leaves his lungs. Nurse Meyer presses a few more buttons and prints out a few pieces of paper.

"Okay", Dr. Collins breathes out. "Well then, Peyton you're considered a high risk pregnancy", he says slowly. "I _do_ _not_ want you exerting yourself in any way. I'm being serious about this."

"What exactly are her restrictions?" Lucas asks in interest. Peyton simply looks at him and smiles. She's forgotten how amazingly protective he is.

"Bed rest for at least 12 weeks –"

"Twelve weeks! That's the rest of the summer", Peyton points out with wide eyes. "Dr. Collins –"

"Peyton you're lucky I'm not extending it", he says seriously. "I also suggest that you take this fall semester off. I know you don't want to, but it's really the best option as of right now", Peyton slowly nods her head. He sighs and looks at the young woman. "How about you come back in September and we'll check things out", he mumbles.

Peyton smiles happily. "That sounds perfect", she sings out. He rolls his eyes and waves his hands at her. She yawns and his annoyance dissolves.

"I'll let you get some rest", he says kindly. Lucas thanks him and the doctor leaves the room with Nurse Meyer. Her eyes travel to the black and white pictures resting on her stomach. She picks them up and feels her eyes burn.

"Wow", Lucas whispers. She looks over at him and nods her head. Wow indeed.

"That's our baby", she says with a tender smile. Without a thought he leans forward and peppers her face with soft kisses before placing a loving one to her lips.

"Can I get you anything?" Lucas asks sweetly, his face is still close to hers. His eyes glance between hers and the fuzzy image of their baby. _Their baby_.

"Will you just lay with me?" she asks in a small voice. Lucas smiles that boyish grin from years ago and it has her heart leaping into her chest.

"I'd do anything for you."

He unlatches the bar and folds it under the bed. Carefully, oh so carefully, he climbs into bed and molds himself around her small body. Their eyelids droop and Peyton clutches the small photo in her hands.

It's the first time either of them sleep through the night.

_Our God in Heaven  
Hallowed be thy name  
Above all names  
Your kingdom come  
Your will be done  
On earth as it is in heaven  
Give us today our daily bread  
Forgive us weary sinners  
Keep us far away from our vices  
And deliver us from these prisons_

* * *

Let me know what you think!

Remember, things won't be so wonderful!

**A/N: **I need song ideas! My iTunes _still_ isn't working and I never knew I depended on it so much when I wrote out chapters. It just makes the process more difficult when I can't scan through songs I have or songs that sound like the ones I have. So, if you could please PM me or leave it in you comment; any songs would be wonderful help. Thanks so much!


	6. They'll Never Know

**I own nothing, nor do I own "They'll Never Know" by Ross Cooperman. **

LP on Monday was blissful. I love that he bought her a new ring (a _rock_ at that), but she wanted Keith's ring because she knew it meant a lot to Lucas and it really meant a lot to her. At the end they were adorable and cheesy and I loved it . . . which is why I almost hate to post this chapter.

I seriously had about 4 different songs in this chapter before I decided on this. Wonderful song by Ross Cooperman. It plays in 4x21 I think, when Karen sees Keith again and they see Lily. Make me cry every time.

The chapters over the course of 3 months.

Try not to hate me!

Enjoy!

* * *

_Hush, baby don't cry  
Just get through this night  
Overcome  
Cause all that you are  
Is broken inside  
But they'll never know, they'll never know_

"Okay, so she gets home in a few minutes", Brooke rasps. "You know she's going to flip out because we're all here."

Haley shakes her head in disagreement while Nathan chuckles; she is gonna freak out. The three adults and a 2 year old Jamie are patiently waiting for the return of their favorite blonde. Lucas was bringing her home; he refused to leave her side.

"I'll think she'll be excited", Haley says optimistically. She picks her son up and makes playful noises while pretending to nibble on his ear. She looks at her husband when she hears his laughter.

"You can tell you were new to our group", he teases. Brooke's raspy laugh echoes in the apartment and once Haley pouts Nathan clarifies, "Peyton does _not_ like surprises."

"Well I think she'll like _this_ surprise", the petite mother says with conviction. Her blonde friend has to. It's been a long time since they've just enjoyed each other's company and put events behind them.

"Maybe", Brooke suggests as she takes her godson from his mother's arms. She holds the little boy in the air and makes animated faces. Then it hits her that her best friend will have one of these in a few months.

"There's gonna be another one running around soon", Nathan voices her thoughts. That kind of freaks her out. They've always been friends and once upon a time they were best friends, but he hasn't been able to weirdly read her mind since they were kids. Maybe in the long run Peyton's accident helped them all come together in a deeper way.

"Another little godchild", Brooke says happily. Haley makes a face and once she does, Nathan knows this is a dangerous topic.

"Who said you were gonna be the godmother?" she asks innocently. Brooke looks at her like she just grew a second head.

"Why wouldn't I be godmother?"

"You're already a godmother!" Haley cries indignantly. Brooke hands Jamie to Nathan and walks over to her friend.

"But I'm Peyton's best friend", she says obviously.

"I'm Lucas's", she counters.

"But _Lucas_ isn't the one pushing the baby out of him", Haley pouts and puts her hands on her hips.

"But then I'll be left out."

Brooke looks at her and laughs softly. She throws her arm over Haley for a half hug. "Fine, you can be godmother", she says as she rolls her eyes. "I'll be the cool aunt and that's _way_ better then godmother", she smirks.

Haley laughs. "Nice try at reverse psychology", she mumbles. Both girls laugh and hug; Nathan looks on in awe. He's been married for 3 years and he's been friends with girls for his entire life, but he doesn't think he'll ever understand them.

"Are you two done? We don't have much longer before Peyton gets back", Nathan says in exasperation. He looks at his son and Jamie nods his head before yelling at them also. They all chuckle.

Nathan puts him on his feet and Jamie runs around, kicking balloons into the air. He watches his son for a minute and feels his heart swell at the thought of Peyton and Lucas being parents in 6 months.

"She may not admit to it, but she'll like it", Brooke says as she nods her head. "Besides, she deserves this."

"How about we try to make this the best day she has?" Haley offers with a smile. Brooke smirks in a typical Brooke Davis fashion.

"Well, Lucas will be here so I don't know if _this_ will be the best day she has", she murmurs. Nathan chuckles and says.

"She's got to heal and she's on bed rest. There's no way they're doing any of that for a few weeks." Brooke makes a face; it's evident she thinks that sucks.

"Okay", Haley says loudly as she snaps her fingers to get their attention. "Can we focus on what I said?"

Brooke nods. "Yes, let's make this great for her."

The second Peyton gets wheeled through her door she wants to blow her head off. There are balloons and party hats. Her three friends and Jamie throw fistfuls of confetti into the air and they grin widely.

She hates surprises.

Lucas leans down to her ear and whispers some words that cause her to smile. "They really wanted to do something nice for you. Haley's really excited for it."

So, Peyton sucks in a breath and grins back at them. She yells in excitement about the shock of it all and thanks them profusely. She laughs and Lucas wheels her further into the room.

"Told you", Haley smirks as she skips over to the blonde in the wheelchair. Nathan and Brooke simply exchange glances. They know Peyton hates it, but they know she's putting on a front for Haley. So they'll all play along.

It's just what friends do.

_Don't think that they'll change  
They push you away  
Far from home  
Cause all that they are  
Is broken inside  
But they'll never know, they'll never know_

Peyton lies in bed and stares at her ceiling. Her legs propped up on a pillow and her arm is in its sling. Today has been a whirlwind day for her. She's home and saw her friends and now Lucas is staying the night, all the nights. He decided before she left the hospital that he was going to stay the summer and then they'd figure things out.

Her life has done a complete 360 in the recent weeks and although it was a sucky chain of events, she isn't sure she'd change anything. The baby's okay and her friends are around her, not to mention Lucas. Lucas has been her rock this entire time and she'll never forget that.

He would constantly sneak glances at her and smile or wink. Her friends were amazing too. Always making sure she wasn't tired or overdoing it. Even Jamie gave her the classic Scott look when she tried to move from her wheelchair. Karen sent flowers, lilies more specifically; they currently rest on her dresser.

He walks out of the bathroom in a white t-shirt and boxers. The summer has been unbearable, so much so that she's shocked he's wearing a shirt. She feels overexposed in the nighty she wears. It was the only thing she could easily slip over her head without any help.

Lucas' eyes lock on her and she hears the low growl that emits from the back of her throat. She wearing a blue nightgown that he's seen a few times. Its makes her blush profusely. He clears his throat and shakes his head and returns to the bathroom. Once the door closes she giggles, but grimaces.

"It's completely _unfunny_!" he yells from inside the bathroom, but she can hear the smile in his voice. He comes out a second later with a smirk and without his shirt.

"Way to play dirty, Scott", she mumbles as she takes in his appearance. He seems to have filled out in the 3 months leading up to the accident. He shrugs and then seems to hesitate before climbing into bed.

This is uncharted waters for them. They haven't slept in the same bed since that botched proposal and even then Lucas stayed awake to watch her most of the night; trying to take in every little detail. He moves the covers out of the way and looks to Peyton while glancing at the air conditioner. She nods and he sighs in relief.

Finally, he gets into bed and they both wait for the cool air to fill the room. They're quiet, but it isn't uncomfortable in the least bit. Lucas turns on his side and rests his head on his propped up elbow.

"How are you feeling?" he asks curiously. Peyton turns her head and makes a face.

"I'm okay, tired, but okay", she says simply. He tilts his head; clearly no liking that answer. "Okay fine, I'm scared", she admits softly.

"What are you scared about?"

"Everything", she says with a gentle laugh. "I'm pregnant and on bed rest. I have a broken leg and arm and cracked ribs. I need to do physical therapy and it hurts to laugh, but I love laughing. I'm a high risk pregnancy, Luke. That scares me the most", she whispers with a truly frightened tone.

Lucas takes her hand between his and looks into her eyes. "You're ribs will heal in a few weeks and you can't do anything about physical therapy until that cast comes off. I love hearing your laugh, so we'll both work on that aspect. And the baby . . . I'm sure things will work themselves out, Peyt. We have to think positively."

"How do you always know what to say?"

"I'm a man of many talents", he says gruffly and she feels her heart race. He places a kiss to her shoulder and then gently kisses her cheek. Their friends are scattered between the spare bedroom and the living room. Not only are they not allowed any physical contact, they wouldn't do that with so many people around. But he can still test the waters.

They both sigh and since neither can curl into each other as they'd like to, Lucas rests his head close to Peyton's and breathes in that scent that floats around her. Vanilla and lavender, he doesn't know how he went so long without it. It gets quiet and the only sound is the rattle of the air conditioner as it works to chill the room. But he knows there's something on her mind.

"What are you thinking about wily?" he asks in the darkness of her room.

She's thinking about everything, but she doesn't really want to talk about it. She thinks about saying that nothing's on her mind and trying to go to sleep, but she knows he'll press the issue. So, she takes a deep breath.

"This is weird, right?" she whispers. Lucas chuckles from deep in his throat and it makes her smile. At least he doesn't hate her for saying that.

"A good weird though", he says quietly. She nods and intertwines their fingers. It almost seems too good to be true.

She and Lucas are here, sharing a bed, creating a life.

_Don't you cry, tonight  
Rest your weary eyes  
Cause all that you are  
Is broken inside  
It's nothing you can change  
It's nothing you could hide  
It's nothing you could hide_

"Baby names", she says softly as they eat breakfast in bed one morning. Lucas looks from the paper and smiles at her. Over the last couple of weeks things have really set in for them. They are having a baby. This is more prevalent in their minds because recently, Peyton's pouch has developed into a bump.

"A girl or a boy?" Lucas inquires. Peyton stops to think and then with a smile, says;

"Girl", the blonde opposite her nods. There are the obvious names he can pick; Anna, Elizabeth, Penelope, Karen. But he wants to go a different route.

"Emma?" her eyes brighten, obviously she had expected him to with the obvious names.

"I like that", she says softly. Lucas nods as if to ask for her choice and she shrugs. "I always liked the name Grace or Rose."

"They're both beautiful", he says earnestly. "But, since my little sister's name relates to a flower, we're gonna have to go with Grace", he teases.

She giggles softly before looking at him once more. "What about boys?" Lucas bites his bagel and swallows before talking.

"There are the obvious . . . Larry, Nathan, Keith", he finishes with a whisper. "But what about something different?" he offers.

She nods in interest, but says; "Regardless of the first name, I really want his middle name to be Keith. He meant the world to you, Luke and he was special to me too."

They haven't talked about marriage at all and he doesn't see that changing; they're enjoying the time they have with each other. But all he wants to do in this moment is run into the top drawer, pull Keith's ring from its box, and place it on her finger. It's where it belongs and when the time is right, that's where it will stay forever.

He clears his throat and nods. "Okay, what about a first name?"

"Michael", she says without hesitation. She looks at him expectantly and he says;

"William", he mumbles. Peyton smirks and rolls her eyes.

"Like Shakespeare?"

"Would you believe me if I said Gates?" she shakes her head and he surrenders. "Fine, Shakespeare, but it's also a great name", he argues. She holds her hands up playfully.

"Down boy, I wasn't going to veto it", she teases.

They both laugh and for that moment in time the accident never happened. Peyton's not a high risk pregnancy. Lucas never left her in that hotel room. The last three months fade away. But then she scratches at her cast and it all comes crashing back.

The days go by and the summer heat fizzles ever so slightly. It's still hot and humid and everything that Los Angeles was when he first arrived here weeks ago, but it's different at the same time.

Peyton's doing as much physical therapy as she can and even though it isn't much, every bit helps. She doesn't really walk anywhere other then around the small apartment and even that's monitored. But overall, she's doing well. There's just something missing.

Dr. Collin's has been saying that both she and the baby are making wonderful progress and that if it continues; she'll be off bed rest within a few weeks. They're both excited about that, but Lucas knows there's something bothering Peyton.

"What do you think about moving back to Tree Hill?" he asks nervously one night at dinner. "We can be around Nathan and Haley and Jamie and Brooke visits whenever she can. My mom and Lily are around . . . when they're not out with Andy . . . I just think it's a good place –"

"Baby", she cuts him off with a smile. "You were rambling", she points out and the tips of his ears turn red. She loves that he still gets embarrassed around her and she loves that she knows when he's embarrassed.

"Sorry", he mumbles.

Honestly she's been thinking about moving recently. LA is a great city and it's been pretty good to her in the recent years, but it's not a place where she would want to raise a child. Plus, she misses her friends and Karen and Lily. She just wants to be someplace that feels familiar.

"That sounds perfect", she whispers.

_Pink flowers and bows  
Is all you should know  
And summer days_

Peyton hums happily as she applies the finishing touches to her hotdog. She never used to favor the food, but recently she's craved them. She sits at the small counter and takes a bite. She moans in appreciation and savors every taste.

When she looks up, she's met with appalled face of her beloved boyfriend. She grins in his direction and takes another bite; "Hey how was class?" she asks brightly.

Lucas sighs before tossing his notebook onto a nearby table; his keys get thrown into the small bowl. The semester started shortly after the moved into the apartment; he's a few weeks in at this point. He walks into the kitchen and kicks at a few boxes along the way; they still need to unpack the little things.

"It was alright", he says noncommittally. "Same stuff different day", he watches as she nods and makes a face. Apparently her hotdog doesn't have enough mayonnaise on it because she takes a knife and spreads it atop the other layers.

"Baby, that's disgusting", he says simply. He sits beside her and grimaces. He's accustomed to her cravings by now, but there are some that he'll never get used to. She's started having two of these a day and this is either the first or last; he's praying it's the last.

She pouts that adorable pout and shrugs her shoulders. "You don't know what you're missing."

"I think I'm okay with that", he laughs when her mouth drops and she leans over to smack his shoulder. She really doesn't see anything wrong with her food choices. Who wouldn't love a hotdog with mustard . . . and ketchup, and cheese, and mayonnaise?

She takes another satisfying bite and then places her hand over her stomach. "Would you _please_ stop kicking mommy?" she asks in vain as she stares down at the bump of her belly. She's met with another soft thump.

Lucas grins. The baby's been kicking for a couple of weeks now and every time it amazes him. Added to that is the fact that Peyton's been calling herself mommy and him daddy and he's been tearing up more then he ever has in his life. He looks at Peyton with a smirk and says;

"Maybe it's _begging_ you to stop eating that crap."

Her eyes narrow and she shakes her head. He's worried for a second because her hormones have been all over the places lately, but when she giggles loudly, he smiles. He loves hearing that noise escape her perfect lips.

"Dude, shut up!" she shrieks. He shrugs and shakes his head as if to say – _It's just a thought._

"What did you today?" he asks in interest once their mirth dies down. She chomps down the rest of her hot dog and hobbles over to the pot on the small stove. Apparently, that was her first hot dog.

"Went over to Nathan and Haley's, she didn't have class today so we hung out for a bit", she says while concentrating on removing the hotdog and placing it on the bun. He nods his head. It's good for her to get out and move around.

Before they left Lost Angeles a couple of weeks ago they had one last visit with Dr. Collins. He removed Peyton's leg cast and the sling from her arm. Now she wears a boot much like Haley's from senior year and brace that wraps around her hand and stretches to her elbow.

"It's not that far of a walk, Luke", she mutters while squirting on the ketchup. He chuckles. She knows him far too well.

"I know that", he says indignantly.

Peyton was officially off of bed rest; that was another set of his parting words for the young blondes. She was allowed moderate exercise and other activity, which elated Lucas. Since getting back to Tree Hill the boundaries were set up. It was okay to walk to Nathan and Haley's because they were two blocks over. His old house was a few blocks in the other direction and a park was across the street. That was as far as she was to go.

"Well you made a face", she says simply. He laughs again and scoots his chair a little closer. He takes a deep breath and when he does, she raises a brow. "What's going on?"

"Something else kind of happened . . ." he begins gently. "Lindsey called, they want me to do another tour", he whispers. Her eyes widen and it takes her a minute to breathe. He's leaving?

"It's just because when everything happened a few months ago, I cut it short and I didn't care, obviously", she listens as he rambles and can't stop the smile that forms. He's so freaking cute when he's nervous.

"Luke", the way she says his name lets him know she's not angry or upset. She simply wants him to get to the point.

"Well, the book was really well perceived and the company wants me to do it, but I told them I wasn't sure", he says softly. Peyton raises her brows.

"Are you serious? Why would you not agree to it right away?"

He turns shy, bashful really and neither of them knows where it comes from. He looks down at the table and his fingers pick at the edge of her paper plate. When her hand lies atop his their eyes meet and he shrugs.

"You're important to me", he whispers. "I wanted to discuss it with you."

Her eyes water instantly and she smiles. "I think I fall more in love with you everyday, Lucas Scott", she whispers before leaning over and kissing him deeply.

Lucas moans into the gesture; they've gone months without physical contact, per doctor's orders and the little things quickly turned into the big things. Hugging her gets him excited, in more ways then one.

"I love you too, Peyton", he husks once they break apart. "But that doesn't answer any of my questions", Peyton laughs and interlocks their fingers.

"Lucas, _of course_ I want you to go. It's your job –"

"I don't wanna leave you", he whispers. She kisses his hand and shakes her head, before she can say anything, Lucas keeps going. "That's why Brooke's coming to visit."

"I thought you weren't planning anything because you wanted to talk to me first?" she asks skeptically. "Luke, I can just stay with Nathan and Haley if you're that worried."

Lucas shakes his head. "Nathan has an away game; Hales and Jamie are going with him."

"You've got it all planned out, huh?"

He nods enthusiastically. "It's a four day weekend, so I'll only be gone that long. Brooke will come down that same day. I know you miss her, so after I hung up with Lindsey I called Brooke and she agreed."

"Go do great things, Lucas Scott", Peyton says with a whisper before kissing him.

_Cause all that you are  
Is beautiful child  
But they'll never know, they'll never know_

Peyton only has to be alone for a few hours and she intends to savor them. Lucas leaves early in the morning and Brooke's coming sometime after lunch and in between that time frame it happens.

She stops feeling the baby kick.

It doesn't register right away. She's busy kissing Lucas goodbye and showering. Then she cleans and talks to Haley for a bit on the phone. She makes a sandwich and sits down to eat it when she notices the missing action.

She wants to shrug it off; to be able to assume it's normal. But after her car accident and begin told that she's a high risk pregnancy, all she can do is worry. She walks to the refrigerator and grabs the house phone along the way. She dials her new doctor's number and waits for it to ring.

As they prepared to leave LA behind, Dr. Collins set them up with a friend of a friend doctor in Tree Hill. Dr. Nash is a wonderful man and he introduced them to the obstetrician, Dr. Asher, who's been following Peyton and the baby's health.

"Hi, Dr. Nash, it's Peyton", she says meekly. It's off hours for him, but he said call anytime – she's taking that offer. "I know, I'm sorry for calling on you day off, but I'm nervous about something."

"The baby kicks all the time, but today I noticed it hasn't kicked once", even as she says it she thinks she sounds like a typical nervous soon-to-be-mother. Her nervousness heightens when he tells her to come in and that he'll call ahead and let them know she's coming in.

Peyton hangs up and scribbles a note to Brooke. She tapes it to the front door and leaves the apartment. While she's in the taxi all she can think is, _please let this end well_.

When Brooke arrives at their apartment a few hours later she frowns at the note attached to the door. "Brooke; went to the hospital . . ." she doesn't even finish reading the note. She pulls out her cell and calls Peyton, but receives no answer. Then she calls Lucas.

"_Hello"_, he says above the noise of the airport terminal.

"Hey, it's Brooke. Where are you?" she asks as she studies the note. Maybe she got the dates wrong and is supposed to come another weekend.

"_LaGuardia airport . . . why?"_ he asks in interest. He's just landed and started to look for the waiting limo.

"Lucas, does Peyton have a doctor's appointment today?" Brooke asks before causing a panic. The blonde on the other end pauses to think before responding;

"_No, she's free all day . . . why?"_ he finds himself asking again.

"I just got here and there's a note on the door. She went to the hospital, Luke", at this point she's found the spare key and walked into the apartment. She throws her luggage into the living room and looks around, just to make sure Peyton isn't here.

Lucas can feel his heart thump in his chest and he tries his best to remain calm. _"Okay, you need to get there, Brooke"_, he says obviously. She nods even though he can't see her and heads for the front door.

"You need to get home", she tells him seriously.

"_I know"_, he mutters as he looks at the departure board. _"There's a flight leaving in 45 minutes, I'll grab that and meet you at the hospital"_, he starts to run to the desk to speak with the woman behind it.

"Luke, just breathe, okay?" the brunette says softly. He mutters thanks and they both shut their phones. Brooke grabs a cab and heads to the hospital.

"I know I'm probably overreacting, but it just felt odd", Peyton says softly as she lies on the table. The older nurse smiles softly at her.

"It's always good to be sure."

Peyton watches the screen and waits to hear the heartbeat. The nurse moves the device around her stomach and the blonde sees the slightest frown etch her features. She hits a few buttons and still, nothing.

"I'm just going to get Dr. Asher", she says in a motherly tone as she leaves the room. Peyton's heart pounds in her ears. This cannot be good. It's never good when they need to get the doctor.

"Good afternoon, Miss Sawyer", the kind woman doctor says as she walks into the room. Peyton smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes. The sits in the chair the nurse had occupied and does the same thing that same nurse just did.

"Miss Sawyer, I'm sorry", she begins.

And Peyton's world falls apart.

No heartbeat. Loss of oxygen. Stillbirth.

"We're going to have to induce labor", Dr. Nash says. "We can either wait or get it started now", Peyton looks at her like she's an idiot. She doesn't want to wait to do this.

"Start it now", she says with a hoarse voice. By the time Peyton focuses on anything, she sees Dr. Nash in the doorway and he looks apologetic. He closes the door as Dr. Asher props Peyton's legs up and inserts her finger. Peyton winces and hears the walk through her doctor is giving. She's stripping the membranes; hopefully this will release the hormones needed to create contractions.

Once her doctor leaves Peyton feels the pressure building. She looks at the clock. Brooke should be arriving at the apartment within and hour and Lucas hasn't answered her phone calls; he's probably still on the plane or forgot to turn his phone back on.

Hours pass and the contractions become more powerful. All she wants to do is hold on to Lucas and have him kiss her temple. She isn't cut out to do this alone and she knows that she'll never be the same after it.

"Do you need anything? More ice chips?" the kind nurse from earlier asks as she enters the room. Peyton's a mess of tears and sweat and she whines;

"No, I just need Lucas. Where's Lucas!"

The nurse retreats and finds her doctor. When Dr. Asher sees Peyton she makes the phone call to Mr. Scott. She leaves a short message and tells him to get here as soon as he can. Then she goes into Peyton's room and checks her progress.

"Okay, Peyton we're going to take you up to labor and delivery –"

"No, I can't do this alone! I need Lucas. Where's my boyfriend?" she cries. Her heart rate soars.

"You need to calm down, Peyton!"

She has no other family in Tree Hill right now. Karen is out of town with Andy and her father's away. She's alone, like so many other times in her life. That seems to make the tears stop; or at least she stops screaming. The tears continue, but they're silent and filled with anguish.

She's wheeled out of her room and brought to an elevator. She grimaces in pain and bites her bottom lips so hard it bleeds. She's going to give birth. She's going to give birth to a little baby that won't take its first breath.

She sobs for the entire elevator ride and throughout the entire delivery.

"I need to know where Peyton Sawyer", Brooke says breathlessly as she jogs into the hospital. The nurse behind the desk looks at her and raises a brow.

"Are you family?"

Brooke takes a second to catch her breath and before she can respond the nurse takes her silence as an answer. Brooke wants to lunge across the desk.

"Sorry I can only release information to family. Have a seat", she says as she points to the waiting room.

"You don't understand –"

"You don't seem to understand", the nurse cuts her off. "You are not family. I cannot give out any information. Have a seat", Brooke glares at her and turns on her heels.

"Bitch", she bites back before taking her place in a comfortable chair. She bites her nails and looks at the clock.

Where is Lucas?

_So, don't you cry, tonight  
Rest your precious eyes  
Cause all that you are  
Is beautiful child__  
_

He runs.

Full speed past waiting patients and nurses. He got the message from her obstetrician and all he can focus on is Peyton. People yell and tell him to slow down, but he doesn't. He can't. Peyton needs him. She needs him and their baby needs him. With the two most important things running through his mind, his speed increases.

He makes it to the maternity ward and instead of stopping to ask what room she's in, he runs past every door. His eyes glance into the small windows and his head ducks into the open doors. He needs to find her.

A burly security guard steps off the elevator and onto the floor. He's been tracking Lucas since he ran into the hospital like a madman. He's gotten numerous complaints, but he never expected the kid to run this fast. He walks swiftly in Lucas's, but someone grabs his arm.

Dr. Nash holds on tight and the guard doesn't appreciate it. He looks at the older man with anger, but the doctor shakes his head. Lucas doesn't need to be restrained; he needs to find Peyton and he needs to grieve.

He reaches room 421 and stops. There she is sitting up in bed, her eyes blankly staring out at nothing. Her hands are resting on her stomach and although it's still shaped like a pregnant woman's. He knows.

He knows he's too late.

He walks into the room and charges to be at her side. He rests his lips against her temple and his hand reaches for hers. He lets the silence fill the air around them mostly because he's too devastated to say anything.

Their baby is gone. The little life they created and named and imagined is gone. He feels his throat tighten and his eyes water. All he wants to do is breakdown and sob like a child, but he can't. Peyton needs him. Well, she's _needed_ him, but he's finally here.

She feels him beside her and she knows he's brokenhearted too, but she doesn't care. She has no emotions left. She delivered her lifeless baby and now there's just this black hole in place of everything that she's loved. She's never allowed to be happy. Everything just gets ripped away from her.

"Peyton, its okay", he murmurs into her hair. She doesn't lean into his touch and she doesn't reciprocate the kisses. She's closing herself off and even though it's a common action of hers, he doesn't welcome it.

"Come on, Peyt", he murmurs. "Don't shut _me_ out. We _both_ lost something", he whispers tearfully. She shrugs him off and turns her head away from him. He doesn't think it's possible, but his heart breaks even more.

"Peyton, talk to me", he begs. He knows he should have been here, but she was the one who told him to leave in the first place. He shakes his head. They can't play the blame game, not now.

"Why do you care so much?" she asks loudly. His eyes widen and he shakes his head. How could she ask her that? Why is she asking him that? He takes a step back and simply stares at her.

"It's not like it was yours", she spits at him. Lucas closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. He knows she's lying, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. His anger boils over and he snaps;

"Don't say shit like that, Peyton!"

She flinches and he feels bad once again. He knows he should have been here. He knows he should have been able to hold her hand and whisper into her ear. He should have been here to help her through the traumatic experience of it all.

"You weren't here", she whispers.

But as she reminds him, he wasn't.

"I know and I am _so_ sorry", he says quietly as tears fill his eyes. Peyton has to look away. She knows this is hurting him, but she's hurting a million times worse. A voice at the back of her head tells her that this isn't his fault. It's not anyone's fault. But she just lost a child and she needs to blame someone and it's too painful to blame herself.

"That's what you're sorry for?" she asks loudly. "You're sorry for not _being here_?" she knows that's not what he's really apologizing for, but she doesn't really care. He promised to always be there for her and to protect her and he wasn't around when she needed him the most. He let her down.

He shakes his head and pushes at the chair near her bed. She's being completely unreasonable and it's really starting to get to him. They should be dealing with this together. Crying in each others arms. But she won't let him.

"Damnit Peyton!" he yells angrily. "Knock it off or I'll leave", he says at a dangerous tone. The blonde in the bed eyes him warily. This is what she does when she's hurt, she pushes people away. She shrugs carelessly and folds her arms over her chest.

"Peyton, if I walk out that door, I'm not coming back", he threatens. She feels her heart jump into her throat and her eyes water, but she fights back the tears. He's giving her an ultimatum? Now, after everything that's happened the past few months, he's going to do this.

"At least I'll get to _watch_ you leave _this_ time."

He steps back and she watches as he lets out a puff of air; like he's been punched in the gut. She can see the tears gather in his deep blue eyes and he clenches his jaw to stop the quivering of his chin. She knows it was a cruel statement, but she doesn't care. He left her once, in all honesty, she's a pro at being left. But that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

And that's why the second he's out the door Peyton breaks down.

_It's nothing they could change  
It's nothing you can hide  
It's nothing you should hide__  
_

He doesn't go very far though. He makes it out the doorway before the tears fall and he looses his balance. He hits the floor with a thud that should hurt, but he feels nothing. He's lost his baby and his girl. His life has zero meaning and that is the most profound thought he can form.

He hears the sound of heels quickly approaching and he's sure his name is muttered a few times, but he doesn't respond. He just keeps crying. Even when that person falls to the floor beside him and wraps their arms around him tightly.

"Lucas", Brooke whispers; tears already clouding her vision. "Lucas, what happened?" she asks. She's pretty sure she knows the reason for the breakdown, but maybe in some twist that baby's alive and these are tears of happiness.

He takes in a gasping breath and she knows that's not the outcome.

"She hates me", he blubbers out. Brooke furrows her brows and shakes her head.

"She doesn't hate you –"

"She does", he swears. "I wasn't here! She needed me, they both needed me and I wasn't here!"

Brooke's tears are falling freely and she's speaking over the sobs in her throat. "You're here now, Luke. Go in there!"

"No, she doesn't wanna be near me. I was already in there and she _hates_ me."

"So you're gonna give up?" she questions. They're both talking loudly and she's sure they're making a scene, but she'd dare someone to come and try to escort them from the building.

"Brooke –"

"No!" she yells, suddenly angry with her grieving friend. They both stop and hear the sobs coming from room 421. "She's just as broken as you are. You can't just _not_ be there."

She stands and grabs Lucas by the shoulder of his shirt. He's never seen Brooke this forceful, but he's sure he'll thank her for it at another time. She pushes him into the room and stops to stare at her broken best friend. This isn't fair. None of this is fair.

She knows they need to be alone for right now and she's going to be there for Peyton in any way possible, but she can't do that now. Now she needs to fulfill her role as best friend and take care of things. Brooke takes a deep breath and wipes at her wet cheeks; it's pointless because more tears fall. She walks down the hall and takes her cell phone out of her purse. She'll call Haley and Nathan, Karen too, and then she'll call Larry. He's last because she knows that will be the hardest phone call.

When Lucas walks back into the room he notices the small bag of belongings that rest on the table. Some Polaroid's and a tiny hospital bracelet; it's the only representation they have of their baby. Lucas feels the wind get knocked out of him when Peyton's dead eyes meet his. Her sobs intensify and he can feel his heart ache. "Peyt . . ." he whispers sadly.

"I'm sorry", she mumbles between sobs. Lucas shakes his head and runs to her side. _He_ starts to apologize, but she continues. "You're the father. Of course you're the father. She was never anyone else's."

"_She_?" he questions with a broken heart. Peyton nods. A little girl. They had a little girl. Suddenly, that statement has a whole knew meaning considering their current position in life.

His mind fills with images of a small child. She's got unruly golden curls and intense green eyes. An upturned nose that he would nuzzle before she went to sleep every night and he'd come home from work to find her and Peyton sitting at the table drawing. She'd be the perfect artist. He'd take her to the Rivercourt on Sunday's and watch as she dribbled the ball perfectly and squealed with delight as she made it through the hoop. But when she was a teenager you wouldn't want to piss her off because she'd stalk to her room and lock the door behind her; the loudest, angriest music possible would fill their house.

He knows those images and dreams will haunt him forever.

A harsh sob leaves Peyton's mouth and he climbs into bed with her. He clings to her as if his life depends on it; maybe in a way it does. She buries into his arms and they both cry.

They cry for everything they've lost and everything they were so sure they'd found. Peyton cries loudly and without a care as to how she sounds or looks. She doesn't only cry for her lost child. She cries because she feels it. She feels the wind shift and the earth tilt. Everything's changed.

And she knows, with certainty, that nothing will ever be the same again.

_Cause all that you are  
Is beautiful child  
But they'll never know, they'll never know__  
_

* * *

Let me know what you think!


	7. It's Not Over

**I still don't own it, just like I don't own "It's Not Over" by Secondhand Serenade.**

This is another chapter that I seriously used 5 different songs for before I decided on this. Secondhand Serenade is pure love! Shout out to Katie for inadvertently helping me remember that LOL.

And I want to thank everyone who sent out songs or bands. It helped a lot. I really appreciate it. That being said . . . whoever told me about The Woman's Work, would you please PM me, I deleted the email on accident and I want to make sure I credit the right person; I think I know, but I want to be sure (I plan on using it next chapter!). If you have anymore, don't hesitate.

Good news though, my iTunes is working again!

**A-shiningstar**, I didn't mean to use 421 as the room number. I guess it's one of those unconsciously done things. The title does enhance the fact that love remains the same, but it doesn't mean it's always going to be easy or always be stable.

Enjoy!

* * *

_My tears run down like razorblades  
And no, I'm not the one to blame  
It's you, or is it me?  
And all the words we never say  
Come out and now we're all ashamed  
And there's no sense in playing games  
When you've done all you can do_

She's crying and sweating and drained of all her energy. She wants nothing more then for this to be over, but she knows that the end of this will only devastate her more. She's just _so_ tired and this hurts _so_ much. It's been hours and she doesn't feel like she can push any more.

"Peyton, you need to keep pushing."

The blonde in the bed grits her teeth and resists the urge to curse at her doctor. She's doing the best she can for right now. It's just so hard. And she doesn't see a point. When she has this baby there won't be the satisfaction of a cry of life, that first desperate gasp for air. There won't be any noise at all.

"I can't do it anymore", Peyton breathes out. She starts to cry harder and one of the nurses in the room grabs onto her hand. She whispers encouraging words into Peyton's ear and pulls her up from the bed.

Peyton clamps her eyes shut and feels the warm tears trail down her face. She just wants Lucas. All she wants is for him to be here and to tell her it'll all work out. That they can be happy one day. That this isn't the end of the world.

But he isn't here. And it doesn't feel like they can be happy one day. And this is most definitely the end of the world.

Her world at least.

"Okay Peyton, just a few more times", she hears the promise.

It's been a _few more pushes_ for the last _10_ pushes. She doesn't understand why she's even doing this. Worst of all, she doesn't understand what to do _after_ this. Does she hold the baby? Does she name it? This is all too much for a 20 year old to have to make decisions about.

She falls back to the bed with force and shakes her head. She's done. She's utterly and completely over this entire situation. That same nurse returns to her side and without any type of notice grabs her hand and pulls her up so hard her arm almost comes out of its socket. She places her hand on Peyton's lower back and tells her that she needs to push.

This is the last one.

She does as she's told and she feels the blinding pain subside. But it's only for a minute because then her heart catches up to what just happened. She sobs loudly. It's more like wailing and she doesn't stop; she can't stop. Faintly, in the distance of her hazy mind she hears the words;

"It's a girl."

They aren't cheerful and there's no hint of a lift in her voice at the end of that sentence. It's a somber tone and Peyton hates that this moment will forever be burned into her mind. Along with all of this, a name flashes to her like it was always meant to be there.

_Emma Grace._

Lucas had been so sure that it would be a girl. So hopeful for a daughter. They have a daughter. They just don't _have_ a daughter. The tears come on strong and her body shakes with tears.

"Peyton . . ."

She hears his voice. That smooth, sweet sound; music to her ears. Her name repeats over and over and she doesn't understand it. He can't be saying her name, he wasn't there. She feels his warm, rough hand cup her cheek and wipe her tears with his thumb.

"Peyton", he whispers once more; voice thick with emotion. He places a kiss to her temple and that's when she knows she isn't dreaming his presence. She awakes with a flinch and it makes Lucas flinch also.

He smiles sheepishly. She hasn't gotten much sleep lately and while that's understandable, he's worried. He wipes away a few more tears and sighs softly. He knows the dream she was having. It's the same dream she's had pretty much every night for the past few days.

She blinks her eyes and the sting from constant crying makes her grimace. She shrugs Lucas's hand away and although his face falls, he doesn't say a word. She rests her weight on her elbows and tries to gather her bearings. She's always disoriented after dreams – nightmares really – like that.

Peyton looks at Lucas again and takes in his black suit and slim black tie. She looks down at herself and sighs. Sleeveless black dress with black heels.

"We need to get going", Lucas whispers. She nods and runs her hand through her curls. This is the last thing she wants to do, but she knows she has to. She sits up and rests her feet on the floor. Lucas, thankfully, grabs her hand and helps her stand up. Before she can move past him, he pulls her against his body and holds her tight to his chest.

Lucas breathes in her scent and holds back his tears. They haven't talked, they don't even really look at each other anymore, but the love is still there. It has to be. They've gone through something too painful for them to not be together through it all.

"We're going to be late", Peyton whispers against his body.

Lucas nods and pushes her back to arms length. He tucks a matted curl behind her head and kisses her forehead delicately. Peyton's eyelids flutter closed and she wishes she can let herself embrace this moment, but she can't.

And that's why when Lucas says; "I love you",

She works her way out of his arms and heads to the bedroom door. She pauses in the doorway and looks back at him. His head hangs low and his hands are planted on his hips. She knows he's hurting and it hurts her even more to be adding to that pain, but she just can't be the same Peyton from a few days ago. So, that's why she doesn't reciprocate the affectionate term. She simply whispers;

"We're going to be late."

_But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?  
We had the chance to make it  
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over  
I wish that I could take it back  
But it's over_

She always thought the first time she truly stood before a priest it would be for her wedding day. She'd be in white and have tears of joy running down her cheeks. She and Lucas would smile and share eye contact. It would be the start of something new.

This is anything but that.

They stand on the green grass that surrounds the burial plot. She and Lucas are in the front and Karen and Larry are on their respective sides. Nathan stands beside Karen because he's the only other blood relative here. Haley and Brooke are behind them and so is a hoard of other people. Brooke holds Lily in her arms and Haley has her son tucked safely in her embrace. When they all arrived Peyton took one glance at Jamie and had to turn away.

It hurt too much to look at him.

Peyton grasps Lucas's hand tightly and completely takes herself away from the moment. She's not here. She's not doing this right now. She closes her eyes from behind her oversized sunglasses and thanks the fact that Brooke brought an extra pair. A warm breeze causes her hair to tickle her cheeks and she almost smiles.

In her daydream she's at the park across the street from their apartment. She sits on the bench and laughs loudly. Lucas wraps his arms around her shoulders and kisses her temple before running to the giant slide. Soon enough, a small girl with a head full of blonde curls comes to the top landing. Lucas stands at the bottom of the slide and crouches down with his arms out; more then ready to catch her.

The small girl looks at Peyton before moving another inch and her breath catches in her throat. _Emma Grace_, her mind screams. The version of her in the dream smiles brightly and nods to the little girl. She can see her take a deep breath and sit on the shiny metal; with a push she's flying down the twisty slide.

Emma meets Lucas's arms and he picks her up; tossing her into the air. She giggles the only way a little kid can and Lucas pulls her close to his body. He whispers what Peyton is sure are words soaked in pride and they walk over to her.

"Did you see me, mommy?" she questions with her green eyes wide with excitement. Her voice is pitchy and her grin is toothless and it's the best sight Peyton's ever seen.

"I certainly did, baby", she says affectionately and reaches out to take her from her father's arms. "You were so brave!" she says enthusiastically. The girl rolls her eyes and she hears Lucas chuckle. Their eyes meet and Peyton shares the same thought. Their daughter is all sass. Lucas had been right, she's just like Peyton was before the world caught up with her.

"I love you, mommy", Emma whispers while burying herself into Peyton neck. She runs her hand up and down her small back and rests her cheek against the frizzy curls that mirror hers from years ago.

"I love you too, Emma", she whispers.

She's broken from her perfect world when she feels Lucas pull at her hand. Her eyes snap open and she notices that he's a little bit ahead of her. She's zoned out for almost the entire ceremony. She lets go of his hand and she watches as he picks up a handful of dirt before tossing it onto the small coffin below their view.

He returns to his spot beside her and she knows it's her turn. She takes a deep breath and an unsteady step causes Lucas to grasp her elbow. She glances back at him and nods softly. He releases her and she walks over to the place Lucas had just occupied. As she collects the dirt the priest begins to speak;

"We therefore commit her body to the ground . . ."

Lucas opens his arms for her and she nestles into him. In a way they're putting on a show, playing a part, fronting is what Skills would call it. They haven't been this intimate since before the terrible day in their lives and she doesn't know if that'll ever change. The scratchy voice of the old priest hits her ears once more;

". . . Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in the sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life."

It reminds her of the nursery rhyme she and Brooke would sing when they were younger. She's sure that it was more fun with a lot of kids, but neither of them cared back then. They'd join hands and yell out loudly, giggle and fall to the floor. She can still picture her and Brooke screaming that rhyme out as if their lives depended on it, their smiles filled with missing teeth and their hair hitting their faces as they spun in their circle. _Ring around a rosie, a pocket full of posies. Ashes, ashes, we all fall down._

Fall they certainly have.

_I lose myself in all these fights  
I lose my sense of wrong and right  
I cry, I cry  
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head  
I just wanna crawl into my bed  
And throw away the life I led  
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die_

Lucas nods his head and smiles politely at the people who enter his and Peyton's apartment. They shake hands or kiss cheeks and he understands that they're helping the only way they know how.

But none of it is helping at all.

He doesn't want to have people over, but Brooke promised to plan everything and Haley swore it would be okay – she felt immense guilt for not being in town when it happened. He lets out a breath and looks around the room. He catches eyes with Larry Sawyer and the older man walks over to him.

"Lucas . . . I uhh – I want you to know how sorry I am", Larry whispers with a thick voice. Lucas nods and clears his throat.

"Thank you, sir", he says sincerely. Larry raises his hand and squeezes his shoulder comfortingly.

"You know, before we met Ellie and got the chance at adoption . . . Anna miscarried twice, it's what led to us looking at different options", he says softly. Lucas's eyes widen slightly.

"I didn't know –"

"I never told Peyton. I always imagined her and Anna sitting down and talking about all those things, but . . . anyway, it's a hard thing. Probably _the_ hardest thing, to lose a child. Anna and I barely survived the first one and when she suffered the second . . . we were close to calling it quits", he admits softly.

Lucas stands there, not really sure how to process any of this. He's being given a look into a life Peyton never knew existed between her parents. "Mr. Sawyer, I don't kno –"

"I know", he cuts the younger man off. "I'm not telling you this for any reason other then that you and my daughter are very connected. I've known it since you were both sixteen and not allowed to be together. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you can overcome this. _You will_."

Overcome with emotions, Lucas throws his arms around the almost grandfather. For some reason that is exactly what he needs to hear. He knows that he and Peyton have held hands and hugged and he even kissed her cheek, but it's an act. His mother has offered her own encouraging words and he loves her for it and appreciates her even more, but it must take someone who's been in their position to really know what's going on.

Larry hugs back with just as much force and Lucas feels himself getting chocked up. "Thank you, Mr. Sawyer", he whispers.

"It's nothing", he assures him as they break apart. "And call me Larry", he insists for the millionth time. "Mr. Sawyer makes me sound old", he jokes and Lucas laughs while nodding his head.

Brooke hesitantly approaches the two men and smiles warily at Larry. He looks at her fondly – like a father would a daughter – and squeezes her hand before walking away. The brunette and the blonde stand in silence for a minute before Brooke needs to clear her throat. She doesn't handle silences well.

"Peyton's not out here", she says softly. Lucas's blue eyes meet hers and he furrows his brows.

"She went to get changed", he mumbles. Brooke nods.

"That was twenty minutes ago", she whispers. His eyes widen. How had that much time passed? Brooke sees his distress and grabs his hand. "It's okay, there's a lot going on here."

He nods and closes his eyes, but it's not okay. He also feels a twinge of anger, but he pushes it back down. He wants to crawl into bed right now and block out the rest of the world too, but he knows he can't and he's aggravated that Peyton's done just that. He shakes his head to let those thoughts dissolve.

He needs to go and get Peyton, but he's dreading it. Does that make him a bad person? Well, if that doesn't . . . his feelings in the hospital from months ago make him feel terrible.

He was so disconnected from the – at the time – fetus that he didn't really blink an eye over it. Peyton or baby. The answer was simple. Peyton. Always Peyton. He can't help but to think that this is some karmic way of telling him he was a bad person then. As if he really needed the reminders.

Brooke starts to walk away, but Lucas grabs her wrist. She turns around and looks at him with confused eyes. He swallows thickly and whispers; "I want to thank you, for everything you've done, Brooke. And I don't just mean the arrangements. That afternoon in the hospital . . . thank you for making me go back in there."

She squeezes his forearm and makes a face that lets him know he didn't really need to say anything. They both start to head in opposite directions when Nathan approaches him.

"Luke, Haley and your mom are freaking out because they can't find the coffee pot", he says softly. Lucas almost hates that tone. People speak softly around him and it's irritating. He sighs and looks to the closed bedroom door before looking at the boxes that litter the rooms. They still haven't unpacked. It was something they planned on doing, but simply never got around to.

"I need to get Peyton", he mumbles. Nathan somewhat perks at the mention of his best friend and lifts his shoulder for a half shrug.

"I can check on her . . . if you want", he adds as an afterthought. "I haven't really gotten to talk to her", he whispers.

_Neither have I_, Lucas thinks. But he doesn't protest. Hopefully someone can get through to his girlfriend. Plus, with the boxes scattered everywhere, he knows they'll both need some kind of directions.

"Yeah, sure", he murmurs. The Scott brothers walk in opposite directions and Brooke simply frowns.

Their world is completely off balance.

_But it's over; it's over, why is it over?  
We had the chance to make it  
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over  
I wish that I could take it back_

Nathan knocks on the door softly; his knuckles barely making contact with the wood. He waits for her to yell out to him and in the meantime his eyes catch sight of his son and Lily. They're playing with the blocks Haley brought over and although the sight warms his heart, it makes him ache for Peyton.

She was so close to getting this.

He doesn't get a response and when he knocks again he presses his ear up against the door. It's silent and that sort of scares him. He looks out into the main room where everyone is gathered and twists the metal knob; it clicks with ease.

"Peyton?" he whispers as he walks into the dark room. He pushes the door, but it doesn't close all the way. His eyes spot her dress on the floor and her heels rest close to it. When he spots her on the bed his heart breaks.

"Sawyer", he says sympathetically. She's laying on the covers in her black slip. She's facing away from him, but he can see her unsteady breaths. Nathan slips off his shoes and climbs into bed beside her.

They lay in silence with him staring at her back. He's starting to regret this idea. Nathan doesn't deal well with heavy moments and awkward silences. Humor is usually the route he takes, but he doesn't think it's the route for this moment. Another minute or two goes by and he can't take anymore.

"You know what happened the last time we were in bed together?"

He says it suggestively and even though she can't see him he wiggles his eyebrows. But they didn't sleep together the last time they were alone in a bed – not in the physical sense.

It was some time after Haley left and Nathan stopped by with some beer. Peyton was shocked to say the least – they weren't exactly friends who visited. They talked and drank and that was the first time Nathan ever really listened to what Peyton had to say about loss and rejection and she even mentioned how he made her feel when they dated. He had never felt so bad about himself in his entire life. She assured him it was fine and that since they had clearly moved on it didn't matter. Much later, after the beer was gone and their voices had faded away Nathan tried to leave, but Peyton told him there was no way he was leaving.

He didn't want to stay over because he knew how he was going to end the night and he didn't want Peyton to see him like that. Regardless of that, they both climbed into bed and lay on their separate sides. That's when Nathan was alone with his thoughts – the alcohol induced buzz had worn off – and that's when the tears fell and wouldn't stop. And so there he was . . .

Stone cold sober and sobbing in his ex-girlfriends bed.

Peyton rolled over and met his sad, wet eyes and simply held him. _I miss her_, he whispered painfully. Peyton nodded and stroked his head. _And I miss him_, she whispered with just as much pain. At the time he assumed she was talking about Jake, but deep down he knew she meant Lucas.

He's considered her his best friend ever since.

He's brought out of his memories by the sounds Peyton makes beside him. Its two simple laughs – they're more like puffs of air, but he's grasping at straws. He places his hand on her bare arm and she rolls over to look at him.

"It's not fair", she whispers sadly. He shakes his head.

"No, it's not", he agrees while his throat fills with the burn of oncoming tears. He watches as her bottom lip trembles and he runs his hand up and down her arm in a soothing manner.

The bedroom door opens a little more and Nathan can see Jamie wobble into the room. He pushes the door behind him and it closes all the way. At the same time, Peyton begins to shake with her unshed sobs. Nathan pulls her into his arms and she cries into his chest as she clutches on to the lapels of his jacket. All he can do is rub her back.

Jamie grasps onto the comforter and pulls himself up onto the bed and while Nathan is elated by his sons upper body strength this isn't the time to focus on it. Jamie makes a face and tilts his head to the side as he watches Peyton cry. He doesn't like it. He's never liked to see another person cry and Nathan knows that theory is tenfold for Peyton.

The Scott boys really do have a complex when it comes to her.

He walks up along Peyton's side and sits on her pillow. Nathan has no idea what his son is doing, but when his pudgy, little hands reach out and stroke Peyton's hair he doesn't think he's ever been more proud. Haley does that to him when he's upset or when she wants him to get to sleep and that's the only answer the two year old has for this moment.

"I miss her", Peyton whispers as a harsh sob breaks through. Nathan feels the tears trail down his cheeks and he nods. Jamie leans down to kiss her golden hair and for a second he smiles.

"I know, Peyton", Nathan whispers.

There aren't any other words that can be said and Nathan knows that. He simply holds her while Jamie pats her head softly. And Peyton continues to cry with the Scott boys.

It's just not _the_ Scott boy.

_I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart  
Don't say this won't last forever  
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart  
Don't tell me that we will never be together  
We could be, over and over  
We could be, forever_

They're like two ships passing in the night. Lucas and Peyton. They do things out of habit, but other then that they've pretty much lost everything they had worked so hard at getting back.

He walks into the apartment after his classes and shakes out his hair. The rain is much needed after the Indian summer, but it's not appreciated, at least not by him. He tosses his notebook and keys into their respective places and shrugs off his wet jacket. He hangs it up and glances around the apartment, he frowns at the darkness that envelops it.

"Peyton!" he calls out as he walks into the kitchen, they still have a ton of food from the funeral reception a few days ago. He walks to the living room next and his frown deepens. It's like she was never in either room.

"Peyton!?" he yells while walking to the bathroom and then the bedroom. The bed is made and it looks pristine. His heart starts to pound and he can feel the panic bubbling over in his mind.

He pulls his cell phone out of his pocket and calls Peyton, but when the ringing of her phone hits his ears he stares at the dresser. He closes his phone and quickly calls Haley. Peyton can't be with Brooke because she had to go back to New York; Victoria was starting to hound her. Nathan was out of town; another basketball game that he's missing.

"_Hello"_, the familiar voice fills his head.

"Haley, are you with Peyton?" he gets straight to the point. The former blonde on the other end furrows her brows.

"_No, I haven't seen her since I dropped off the groceries yesterday"_, there's a beat of silence and then; _"Why? What's wrong?"_

"She's not here", he whispers as the walls close in on him.

"_What do you mean she's not there?"_ Haley asks at a higher pitch.

"I mean she's not here, Hales! I came home and she was gone!"

She ignores the yelling and tried her best to remain calm. _"Alright, I'll go out and look for her. You stay there in case she goes back to the apartment."_

"Haley, I'm not staying here", he argues.

"_Lucas, you have to. If she goes back to your apartment she's going to need you there"_, he sighs and she knows she's won the argument. _"I'll bring her back"_, she promises softly.

Lucas mutters a response and closes his phone; he throws it onto the bed forcefully. He doesn't like to sit back and watch other people handle situations. Especially when it involves Peyton.

The minutes go by and when he looks at the clock next it's been a full 45 minutes since he's hung up with his best friend. He groans in aggravation before reaching for his cell and heading for the door. He's done with waiting. He grabs his coat and opens the front door.

He's met with Haley and his drenched girlfriend.

Lucas is shocked into silence and Haley basically drags Peyton into the house. They head straight for the bathroom and he hears the shower running. Haley probably wants to get her warm. He tosses his jacket to the floor and walks to the hallway. He rests his back against the wall and eventually his legs give out.

How did he let this all get so bad?

From inside the bathroom Haley waits till the water is a decent temperature before helping Peyton into the tub. She watches as her one of her best friends in the whole world hugs her knees to her chest and cries. Haley gets on her knees and reaches in. Her maternal instincts kick in and she holds Peyton as the hot water falls down on them both.

"You _need_ to snap out of this, Peyton", Haley whispers softly. Peyton whimpers. "I know it's hard and I'm probably not being fair by telling you to do that, but if you don't you're going to lose Lucas and I know that's not something you can handle right now."

Peyton doesn't respond and by this point Haley doesn't expect her to. The dark haired girl stands and grabs the bathrobe the rests on the hook. She leaves it on the sink and tells Peyton to put that on when she's done then she walks into the hallway – right past Lucas – and looks for clothes in the bedroom.

Lucas keeps his knees close to his chest and his head hung low. He's only twenty years old; this shouldn't be things he has to deal with. He hears Haley's water filled shoes as they squish against the carpet and then the bathroom door closes. He wishes he had the strength to go in there or to help in some way, but he's drained.

Haley and Peyton leave the bathroom together and Haley takes her into the bedroom. She lays her down and puts the blankets over her. She kisses her friend's temple and closes the door behind her. When she sees Lucas's broken form she sighs and runs a hand through her wet hair.

"She was at the park across the street", she whispers as she stands above him. The image of her friend just sitting on the bench in the pouring rain will stay with her forever. She didn't say anything, didn't even look at Haley. Her eyes were trained on the slide a few feet away from her.

Lucas closes his eyes and sighs. Of course she was. When she was pregnant she always talked about bringing the baby there. They moved into this apartment _because_ it was so close to the park. When he doesn't respond Haley whispers, "Lucas . . ."

"Hales, I can't do this anymore", he whispers with tear filled eyes. She crouches down to his eye level and shakes her head. She's been waiting for those words to leave his mouth. Lucas Scott is a strong man, but he's not invincible.

"I know this is bad, but you can't give up, Lucas. You both need each other –"

"But she won't let me in!" he cries out.

"Well did she let you in right away in high school?" she counters. Lucas stares at her and shakes his head.

"This is different", he whispers at a dangerous level. She nods and lets out a breath.

"Have you thought about getting her help?" she asks timidly. She's discussed it with Nathan frequently and Brooke brought it up before she left; they all agree that Peyton needs more help the any of then can give.

"Like a shrink?" he asks. His best friend nods and Lucas scoffs. "She's not crazy, Haley", he spits out.

Haley nods and stands up straight. "Then I guess you can keep doing things your way", she bites back. She walks into the living room and begins to clean up. She picks up the empty cans and bottles and walks into the kitchen. Lucas flinches at the sound of all the items clanking against each other in the garbage can.

He stands and meets her back in the living room. "You don't need to clean", he says softly. He obviously regrets snapping at her like that.

"_Someone_ does", she counters. She holds the empty liquor bottle in her hand and sighs. She knew she should have let Brooke take away the fake ID. "You went all out, huh?"

"It's not just from last night", he mumbles like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Haley mocks pride.

"So it's been like a whole 12 hours since you've had a drink? You must be itching", she says bitterly. Lucas's eyes turn cold, but she doesn't back down.

"Drop it", he warns. She shakes her head and laughs, but it's empty. "Maybe you should go", he says angrily.

Her brown eyes meet his blue ones and she takes in his appearance. He's got bags under his eyes and stubble from days of not shaving. She wants to help him and she knows Nathan's been here on more then one occasion, but there doesn't seem to be anything they can do to help so she nods.

"Fine", she tosses the empty bottle onto the couch and heads to the door. She stops and stands in the archway of the open door.

"It's not an answer, Lucas. Drinking isn't going to solve anything", she whispers. He doesn't get to respond before she leaves.

He sits on the couch and lets out a noise. He knows that drinking doesn't solve anything, but he doesn't think it's hurting anyone. He still gets up and goes to class and works with the team and discusses deals with Lindsey and he helps at the café. He just needs it to forget for a little while.

He needs to forget Peyton's silent tears or her trembling sobs. He needs to forget about the fact that he wasn't there when she went through the labor and he needs to stop picturing what their daughter would have looked like. Emma Grace Scott. She'd have curly blonde hair and green eyes and a mouth that would get her into trouble. Lucas looks around and spots a bottle that Haley missed; it's still got some in it. Without any hesitation he reaches for the bottle and unscrews the cap. The liquid burns, but he knows that feeling won't last long.

A few days ago Larry Sawyer told him that this was hard, but he never imagined it'd be _this_ hard.

_I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart  
Don't say this won't last forever  
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart  
Don't tell me that we will never be together  
We could be, over and over  
We could be, forever_

The weeks go by and the fall weather has finally set it. November in Tree Hill usually means crunchy leaves and cool gusts of wind. The hot chocolate gets sold by the pint at Karen's Café and Thanksgiving is at the forefront at everyone's mind. Everyone except Peyton.

But Lucas doesn't know this yet.

He walks into the apartment and tosses his notebook onto the usual spot and then his keys hit the bowl. He looks around and frowns at the lack of his girlfriend. He runs his hand through his short, blonde hair and walks further into the home. He stubs his toe on a box and curses. They still haven't completely unpacked.

He hits the bedroom and stops in his tracks. Peyton's frantically throwing things into bags and slamming empty drawers. His heart thumps out of his chest and he can feel his mouth run dry. He doesn't really know how to approach this because he doesn't really think he wants an answer.

"Are we going somewhere?" he quips. Maybe joking about a trip would be a good way to go about this. She shakes her head; her curls hitting her face with the movements. She goes to the closet and grabs a few random shirts from their hangers.

"_You_ are", she says softly. His eyes widen and he takes three huge steps forward. This can't be happening. She's kicking him out?

"Peyton, let's talk about this", he says calmly. He takes some clothes out of the bags and throws them on the floor.

"There's nothing to talk about", she says with zero emotion in her voice. She picks those items back off the floor and rolls them into balls. She stuffs them into a box and folds the top inside of each other.

"Peyton, there is _a lot_ to talk about", he counters. "This isn't an answer to anything!" his voice raises and he shakes his head. Yelling isn't going to solve anything now.

"This is the only way", she mumbles.

"No it's not! There are a million other way we can handle this", he argues. "We could talk about it for once. Instead of going to other people, we can work this out!" he says desperately. She doesn't give his words the chance to soak in.

"No! Lucas we were fools to think that this could work!" she yells as tears fill her eyes. "That tragedy could just erase everything between us and make it all okay!"

"Can we _please_ just talk", he begs and follows her to the foyer of their apartment. She drops the few bags to the floor and reels around to look at him.

"Four weeks ago I gave birth to a dead baby", the sentence leaves her mouth and renders Lucas speechless. He hadn't been expecting that. "Is that enough talking for you?"

She walks back to the bedroom and Lucas is hot on her tail. He can't let her kick him out. He can't leave her. He won't leave her. Peyton gathers his sneakers and his coaching whistle and tosses them into an empty box.

"It wasn't just a baby", he says hoarsely. "It was _our_ baby and if we just talk –"

"It doesn't matter, Lucas", she barks out. "The baby is gone and so is our relationship. We're clearly not supposed to be together and everything that happened was karma's way of telling us. We ignored it for too long", she says simply.

He runs his hands over his face and pulls at his longer blonde hair. He looks around the room and notices that the pictures of them have been turned face down and the sonograms are in a pile. The most disturbing sight is the black binder the rests on the floor and the shreds of paper that surround it. They were the drawings Peyton did during the pregnancy and now they're ripped to pieces. It's like she just snapped while he was at class.

"Peyton, don't –"

"Lucas, there's nothing you can say! You can't say we'll work through this and you can't say its okay! Nothing is okay, Lucas. Nothing!" she screams through the small apartment.

"Damnit Peyton, I know that!" he finally agrees. "But _I'm_ not giving up here! I love you and I know that you love me!" she looks away and pauses in her actions.

"Love isn't always enough", she whispers and a tear falls that she quickly wipes at it. Lucas walks over to her and wraps his arms around her small frame. She hadn't said she didn't love him, so that's a good sign. At least in his mind it is.

"I'm not giving up, Peyton. We've fought so hard to be together . . ." his voice trails off and he has to bite his cheek to stop the trembling. She lets his smell and his embrace warm her body before she pushes him away. She can't crumble now.

"And we were fighting a losing battle", she says plainly. "This is most of your stuff", she points out.

Lucas stands his ground and folds his arms over his chest. "We're not done talking about this!"

"I'm done, Lucas!" she counters. She picks the last box up off the bed and walks back into the foyer; she hears Lucas's heavy steps behind her. She tosses it on the floor with the other things and stares at him expectantly.

"I'm not leaving", he says firmly. He's confident in the way he stands and the tone he takes as he speaks. He's really not going anywhere and that's not something Peyton was counting on.

She's frozen. She really had never expected him to _not_ leave. In her mind staying wasn't even an option for him. On some level she knows she's being irrational and she knows this is all ridiculous, but she doesn't care to focus on that now. Then she remembers that her apartment back in Los Angeles is being sub-let; it was a way for them to make some easy money. She nods to herself and walks back into the bedroom

"Fine", she calls out.

Lucas smiles pleased that he's gotten through to her. He starts to pick up some of the bags and boxes and the sound of things being dumped out and slammed hits his ears. He piles the items into his arms and turns around. All those things crash to the floor.

"If you won't leave I will", Peyton says assuredly.

She's got a few boxes in her arms and an overnight bag hangs from her shoulder. This can't be real. Lucas has to be having a nightmare. He squeezes his eyes shut and counts to 10. In that time Peyton makes it to the front door and leaves her keys behind. He opens his eyes and turns to look at her.

She opens the front door and that's the first time she sees her hesitate in what she's doing. He knows he should run to her. He should pull on her arm and slam the door so that she can't get anywhere. He should lock it behind her and pull her into his arms and they'd both cry. He just fought so hard with her . . . he knows he should do something.

But he doesn't move an inch.

Not even when the door slams shut behind her.

_It's not over, it's not over, it's never over  
Unless you let it take you  
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over  
Unless you let it break you  
It's not over_

* * *

Time jump next chapter – around 2 and a half years.

Let me know what you think!


	8. The Woman's Work

**I own nothing, not even "The Woman's Work" by Kate Bush.**

Thanks for all the amazing reviews! I love you all. I hope you can embrace the time jump. I know things like this have been done before, but I'm hoping you'll stick by me!

Props to **A-shiningstar** for the song! It's a little different from what I typically use, but the lyrics are great and so is her voice.

Sorry for the wait, school caught up with me and inspirations been a little lacking. It's an extra long chapter though!

Enjoy!

* * *

_Pray God you can cope  
I stand outside this woman's work  
This woman's world  
Ooh, it's hard on the man  
Now his part is over  
Now starts the craft of the father_

Peyton sits back in her large, leather chair and props her feet up on her mahogany desk. She sighs happily as she looks out at the view of Los Angeles. She's definitely living out her dream. Well, the closest thing to her dream she can achieve.

Coming back to Los Angeles wasn't easy. It was actually one of the hardest things she's ever done, but she doesn't like to think about that. If she does then she remembers the things that went wrong and she'll end up crying.

She can't afford to cry.

Peyton's built a life for herself out here on the west coast. At first it was an adjustment to get back into the life she used to lead. It took work and determination and a lot of other things she didn't think she could maintain at that time in her life. But now she lives the perfect life.

A perfect life in a perfect bubble.

"Miss Sawyer, you have a visitor."

The voice of her secretary blares from the intercom and Peyton can only roll her eyes. She doesn't know why she needs a secretary at all. She hits the button and tells the younger girl to send whoever it is in and that she needs to start calling her Peyton. A second later the door opens.

"If I knew it was you I would have told her to forget it", Peyton quips. The man before her places a hand over his heart and pouts.

"I'm hurt, Peyton", he rolls his eyes and sits in the chair across from her. "We've got a lunch date, remember?"

Peyton rolls her eyes this time. "Don't say _date_, you make it sound dirty."

The man grins a grin that can only be called illegal and even though Peyton doesn't want to, she smiles back. "I could teach you to like dirty."

That smile falls and she scoffs. "Baker, it's been practically three years. You've missed your window of opportunity", she says playfully.

She and Julian literally ran into each other a few days after she returned to Los Angeles. She was coming out of the grocery store and he was walking past the open door. After that they started working together. He was making movies and Peyton was helping with the soundtrack. They've been there for each other throughout their struggles and accomplishments. They're pretty great friends.

Julian laughs and places his elbows on his knees. "Come on, I'm starving!" he says dramatically. Peyton smirks and glances out her window. She sighs softly and places her hand on her left knee.

"Can we just order in and eat in my office?" she questions softly. Julian looks at her and furrows his brows.

"Why? It's gorgeous out; we're supposed to eat at that place near the pond in the park", Peyton lets out a large breath.

"It's gonna rain", she whispers. Once again Julian looks at her and furrows his brows. He glances out the giant window and stares at the cloudless sky.

"What are you the next Rick Dickert?" he quips in reference to an LA weather man. Peyton sighs and squeezes her knee gently. Julian's face brightens with recognition. "Your creepy, old lady, arthritic knee still freaks me out", he mumbles honestly.

"Okay, can you stop making fun of me and decide what to order?" she snaps. Julian pouts.

"No because I know that when you say lets order in, you're really going to tell me what you want and force me to go out and get it", he huffs. Peyton's mouth drops indignantly and she sits a little straighter.

"Julian Baker", she exclaims. "I can't believe you'd even suggest such a thing!"

He rolls his eyes. "Lay off the dramatics", he mumbles. "What do you want?"

She smiles and taps her finger against her chin, but before she gives him an answer she snaps her fingers. "You're gonna be in town next week right?"

He pauses and she makes a face. "Julian, Nathan's going to be in town. We're supposed to go out for dinner", she reminds him. He shakes his head and she narrows her eyes. "Seriously? Julian, you've bailed every other time!"

"I just don't like the whole meet my friend's thing", he mutters. "And it's not like we're dating", he says pointedly.

They may be friends and Peyton may have told him that they could never date, but that didn't stop Julian from trying. She can barely go a full week without Julian making a point of it in some way or another. She knows on some level he's teasing her – Julian's a flirtatious man – but she still feels bad.

"I know, but you're my friend and he's my best friend", Julian raises a brow. "Best _guy_ friend", she clarifies; not wanting Julian to think she's forgotten about Brooke.

"Peyton, he's a professional basketball player. He could step on me if he doesn't like me", he whines. Peyton makes an unsympathetic face.

"Well maybe if you didn't jump ship every single time we were supposed to go eat, he wouldn't hate you", she fires back. Julian gasps.

"I knew he hated me! Now I'm really not going, he's totally gonna kick my ass!"

"You're infuriating!" Peyton groans as she glares at him. Julian's lips form a smirk and his eyes smolder slightly.

"I love it when you're feisty", he purrs. Peyton opens her mouth to bite back some comment, but her cell phone rings. She glances at it and smirks.

"Oh, Nathan Scott", she sings out as she picks up the device and looks at Julian. He wobbles his head and sticks out his tongue.

"Hey superstar, you're a little early", she comments as she peeks at the clock on the wall. Nathan's been calling at the same time pretty much everyday for the last few years. But it's not Nathan's voice that greets her today.

"_Peyton!"_ the high pitched voice of James Scott fills her ears and she immediately grins. She really loves this little boy.

"Baby James, how are you?"

"_Good, you know my birthday's coming up"_, he jumps right to the point and Peyton can feel her heart constrict in her chest. It's true, although she wouldn't say it was soon. In a month James Lucas Scott will be 5 years old.

"I know kiddo", Peyton says animatedly. Julian furrows his brows and she waves him off. She looks out her window and chews on her bottom lip.

"_Are you gonna be here this year?"_ he questions softly, but she can hear the anticipation in his voice. She chews her lips so hard she starts to bleed. She curses silently and grabs a tissue.

"James . . . I don't know, I have a lot of work", she mumbles pathetically. Julian looks away and she sees him close his eyes. Even he knows this is a terrible thing to do.

"_Oh, okay . . ."_ he mumbles sadly. She can picture the way his blue eyes fall and it kills her. The phone gets rustled around and Nathan's gruff voice greets her.

"That's a shitty thing to do, Nathan", she barks at him. He's been trying to get her to attend one of Jamie's parties ever since she left.

"_I didn't make him to anything! He's practically five, not some invalid; he knows how to use a cell phone!"_ he bites back. _"And he knows how to voice who he wants at his birthday!"_ he adds with anger still present. Her face falls and she swallows hard.

"Nathan, I'm sorry, but I –"

"_You can't, I know"_ he cuts her off. _"I'm not sure why Jamie even bothered"_, he mumbles. She doesn't know if she's meant to hear it, but she does and the pain keeps coming. Silence lingers between the old friends and she can hear Nathan's ragged breaths return to normal.

"You're still coming to dinner right?" she asks softly. She may never want to go back to Tree Hill, but that doesn't mean she doesn't miss the people that reside there. He's silent for a moment longer and then mumbles;

"_Yeah, sure"_, but it's halfhearted. _"Listen, I gotta go."_

"Okay, by –" she doesn't get the rest of the word out because the sound of Nathan shutting his phone causes her to freeze. She waits a second and then closes her own phone. She looks up at Julian.

"Looks like you just got a get out of dinner free card", she says smartly. Julian sighs and shakes his head.

"Peyton, why don't you just go –?"

"I think I want a sandwich, you know from the place down the block", she says with a strong voice. He stares at her and frowns.

"It's your home", he whispers. She shakes her head and narrows her eyes.

"I'm really hungry, Julian", she says pointedly. He nods his head; the breeching of this conversation is clearly over. He walks to the door and once it closes behind him Peyton lets out a breath.

She really hates it when he encourages her to go back there. Granted, he doesn't know about the things that made her leave so it isn't really his fault, but the fact that she doesn't like to talk about it should be enough for him. She rolls her eyes, it never enough for Julian.

She looks down at her cell phone and whimpers. She doesn't mean to hurt Jamie and she doesn't want to make Nathan mad. She just can't do it. She doesn't want to do it. She will never do it.

At this point in her life, Tree Hill is simply a place on the map.

_I know you have a little life in you yet  
I know you have a lot of strength left  
I know you have a little life in you yet  
I know you have a lot of strength left_

Lucas runs his hands through his hair as he stares down at the plays. After a while they all mesh together and he has to push them to the side. He's been trying to formulate a better plan of attack for most of the morning. Its lunchtime now, he thinks he deserves a break.

His fingers itch for the bottle that rests in the top drawer.

With a groan he presses the palms of his hands to both his eyes and rubs them purposefully. Maybe going to bed at 4 in the morning isn't the best idea; not when he has to wake up at 6:45. He can't help it though. He tries to put off sleep for as long as possible and in-turn he does anything he can to achieve that. Last night, he tried to write.

He graduated last year with a degree in Literature and he's got two books under his belt. Getting another out there shouldn't be too hard, but it is. It's incredibly hard actually and Lindsey's constant hounding doesn't help. He knows she means well and that she has people breathing down her neck, but he's got zero inspiration.

A 2 year and 7 month bout with writer's block.

And no . . . the timing isn't lost on him.

For a brief moment he lets himself think about that curly blonde. What is she doing? Who is she with? If she's happy? He doesn't like to think about her, but he can't really help it. It's not like he has a choice. Thinking about her is like breathing; it just happens.

The moment comes and goes within the blink of an eye; he _really_ doesn't like to think about her, because he knows she doesn't think about him. He glances at the clock once more, 1:45. He's got a few more hours until after school practice starts and he really needs to work on the plays.

He pulls the clipboard to rest in front of him once more and picks up the pen. There's only a few more to work out and then he can rest. It's weird because rest doesn't really mean _rest_, not anymore. A knock on his door causes him to look at the clock once more. Haley's still in class and Brooke mentioned something about meetings all day.

When the door opens, he smiles. "Nathan Scott", Lucas announces. "Look at you, walking around like a normal person. No bodyguard following your steps", he teases.

"Please, I can handle the screaming teenage girls", he says with a laugh. Lucas smirks and stands from his chair. "How are you big brother?" he asks as they share a manly hug.

Lucas doesn't answer, instead he nods. It's really a series of irregular head movements, but it's the closest thing to an answer that he can supply. How is he? It's such a simple question with such a loaded answer.

"How are you?" he questions. "I saw the game the other night, you were great", he overly gushes and Nathan shakes his head.

"Thanks man, we really kicked ass", he says with a smirk. "Made it to the finals and everything", he gloats some more.

"And you had 42 points with 5 assists. That's really great, Nathan", he says honestly.

Nathan Scott is the point guard for the Charlotte Bobcats. He graduated with Lucas and Haley and shortly after that he signed on with the Bobcats. They're the best team that gave him an offer and even if they weren't, he would have taken it. It's close enough so that on days they need to practice he can drive back and forth in a day. The traveling is hard, but sometimes Haley and James meet him or travel with the team, but for the most time he's on his own.

"How's the coaching going?" Nathan changes the topic. He talks about himself to the press all the time, he wants to hear about his family and the life they have. Lucas shrugs.

"It's going well. We've got a game Friday, so I was trying to get some plays done. If we win this one we get into the semi-finals", he smiles widely and Nathan nods his head.

"I'm sure you'll make it. Whitey wasn't wrong; you're a great player, but you're an even better coach."

Lucas smiles and shrugs. After Peyton left, Lucas jumped back into coaching. Whitey had to come out of retirement and take over. He was compassionate about it, but Lucas always knew the older man was glad when he came back. After graduation and the lack of jobs for a guy with a Literature degree; Whitey stepped in. He put in a good word for Lucas and sent over a resume of his accomplishments as a coach. Principle Turner called the blonde at the start of this school year.

"I guess we'll see", Lucas whispers. "The practices are intense though, I've got them coming in early for practice in the morning and they stay after school to run some more drills. I feel more and more like Whitey everyday", he mumbles. Nathan laughs and it causes Lucas to chuckle as well. The brother's share a silence and Nathan takes a deep breath.

"You know I'm going to Los Angeles, right?" he asks hesitantly. Lucas stares at him with squinted eyes.

"You know we have this discussion every time you go to Los Angeles, right?" he comments. Nathan rolls his eyes and for the obvious answer, "Yes, I know that's where you're going", his older brother sighs out.

"You know I'll probably run into her", he whispers softly. It's so soft Lucas barley hears it, but he hears nonetheless. There's no need to ask who the '_her_' is.

"I know", Lucas says without emotion as he nods his head. Nathan sighs and leans forward. They have the same conversation every time he's about to leave for the west coast city.

"Is there anything you want me to tell her?" the younger Scott pries. Lucas scoffs.

"Nope", he says shortly. "Besides, if I change my mind I could always tell you or Haley or Brooke or _my mom_ when one of you make your weekly, monthly, or daily phone calls to her."

He knows they've all been in contact with her. They've never exactly tried to hide it and they shouldn't have to. She was – is – as much a part of their lives as he is. He's not bitter about it and he doesn't feel like they're picking sides. But judging by the look on his brother's face, he knows his words have gone against his feelings.

"Sorry", he mutters. "I didn't mean for that to sound the way it did", he says honestly. Nathan nods his head and says;

"I just think that if you at least talk –"

"Nathan", Lucas says curtly. He clears his throat and meets his younger sibling's eyes. "I've got some time, wanna shoot some hoops?" he asks with a smile as he stands to grab the orange ball.

His brother nods and walks out the door first. Lucas feels bad. He doesn't mean to snap like that and to shut out anyone anytime that's brought up. He just can't go there and he can't even think about going there. There's no real reason to anyway.

At this point in his life, Peyton Sawyer is simply a girl he wrote about.

_I should be crying, but I just can't let it show  
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking_

She stands outside the men's locker room and chews on her thumbnail. Nathan played a great game tonight and she hopes that he's on enough of a high to not bite her head off for waiting here. Or for waiting period.

They haven't spoken since that phone call a week ago and it's the longest she's gone without talking to someone from Tree Hill, let alone him. She rests her leg up against the wall so that her knee is bent outward. Player after player files out of the room and wink in her direction. Most of them are kidding; they've seen Peyton waiting after every game Nathan has in LA, it's the new players that make her cringe. They probably assume she's the typical basketball groupie.

Finally, the dark haired man she used to date emerges from the room with his suit on and a bag hanging from his shoulder. He locks eyes with Peyton and freezes. They both stand there, until Peyton pushes off of the wall and walks towards him. Her steps are hesitant and she's fidgeting with her fingers. Nathan smiles.

He walks over to her and wraps her in his arms. She hugs him back just as fiercely and buries her face into his neck. He squeezes her once and pushes her back to arms length. She looks good, different from the last time he saw her a month ago and he doesn't know if that's possible.

"I'm sorry", she blurts out with a worried face. Nathan smiles sadly and shakes his head.

"I'm sorry", he insists. "I shouldn't have snapped at you like that", he admits. They start walking again and Nathan stops sporadically to sign an autograph. Even Peyton gets stopped a few times, it's still something new to her to be well known, but she enjoys it.

They drive to the restaurant in a limo because Nathan arrived to the gym on the team bus. She steps out of the car, with her best friend close by and Nathan grabs her hand when they see the photographers. He whispers something about them being the newest hot love affair and when she laughs, the light bulbs flash. He leads her into the restaurant and once they're out of sight he lets go of her hand.

Nathan and Peyton are seated at a private table in the back and after they place their orders and receive their drinks Nathan looks at her and smiles.

"Tell me what you've been up to", he says in interest. Peyton raises a brow. They talk every day on the phone, but then it hits her that they've been without communication for the past 7 days.

"Oh the usual, signing bands, rejecting bands, trying to convince John that I'm his equal", she finishes with a laugh. Nathan smiles sympathetically. He knows the issues Peyton has with her former boss.

"He'll come around", Nathan assures her. "Besides, you've got a better eye for talent than half those tools", he mutters before sipping his Jack and coke. Peyton's eyes snap to meet his, but of course he doesn't realize the effect his words have on her.

"_I bet you know more about music then most of these tools."_

She shakes her head to rid those thoughts of him and clears her throat. The last thing she needs to do is think about _him_. She lets out a breath and says;

"How is Tree Hill?"

Nathan looks at her. It's a pretty loaded question, but by now he knows what to talk about. "Brooke's good, she's trying to figure out the whole head of a corporation life she's acquired."

"Haley's kids are giving her Hell, probably because they know it's her first year, but ever since I paid them a visit they've improved", Peyton laughs at both the images she gets. She still talks to the girls so she knows the stories he tells, but it's still nice to be reminded that her friends are doing so well.

"Jamie's excited to start school in the fall", he mumbles. Peyton knows he doesn't want to see his son grow up. She feels a twinge of jealousy and longing, but pushes it back down.

"Karen wants to start traveling, but she's nervous about it. Lily's still young so it wouldn't be horrible, but she's got the café and TRIC", Peyton nods; she remembers the older woman mentioning that a while ago.

And then Nathan says; "The Raven's might be going to the finals this year, Luke's really –" he stops his sentence just as abruptly as he started it and Peyton sucks in a breath. It's certainly not the first time she's heard his name since leaving, but it's weird to hear it come from someone so close to the both of them.

She takes a deep breath and tries to break the awkward moment; "So it kind of sucks that you guys lost tonight", her voice is sympathetic and Nathan shrugs. He thanks the fact that she didn't freak out.

"Yeah, but this means I get to go home and be with Hales and Jamie", Peyton smiles at the smile that graces his lips. There was a time when she was sure he'd end up like Dan, consumed with power and money. She'd always hoped he'd be a better man and she's so proud that he is.

"Where are Haley and that little guy? They usually make it out here", she sips her vodka and cranberry. Nathan fidgets a bit.

"They're watching things from home tonight. Haley had a lot of papers to grade and some other things", he says vaguely. "Plus, there's his birthday in a few weeks . . ." at the mention of the party Peyton looks away.

"I really am sorry about that", she whispers. He reaches across the table and covers her hand with his own. He squeezes her small hand gently and whispers;

"I know and like I said, I'm sorry for snapping at you the way I did", Peyton smiles sadly and Nathan continues. "I just don't like seeing him so upset", he mumbles. Her mouth drops.

"Well I don't like upsetting him", she whispers harshly. Nathan lets go of her hand and motions for her to calm down.

"I know that", he states calmly. Their appetizers are placed in front of them and they both smile politely at the waiter. Once he leaves Peyton folds her arms over her chest.

"I don't know why he's so insistent on me being there", she mumbles with a pout. "He'll get a present regardless", she's being playful with her words, but Nathan won't let her use that as an answer.

"Peyton, you know he doesn't care about the presents", he whispers. Jamie would rather have Peyton there then receive any type of gift from her. Not that he doesn't love the gifts that she sends every year, because he does. He just loves Peyton more. The blonde nods her head.

"It's just, Tree Hill was a lot of painful memories and after everything else . . ." she stops to take a breath. "It's hard to even think about that place, let alone step foot into it."

Her voice breaks off several times during her small speech and once again Nathan reaches over to grasp her hand. She holds back the tears that so desperately beg to spill over. He sees this and almost hopes for them. He hasn't seen Peyton cry since that day in the bedroom after his nieces – that word still feels foreign – funeral. Just as quickly as he notices them, they're gone and he sighs.

"I know", he says as he nods his head. "I know."

But he doesn't really know and Peyton's glad when he leaves it at that.

_Of all the things I should've said  
That I never said  
All the things we should've done  
Though we never did  
All the things I should've given  
But I didn't  
_

"Hales!"

Lucas calls out to his best friend as he closes the front door behind him. She turns the corner, looking more flustered then ever. She's got flour on her shirt and a bit of batter in her hair. He would laugh, if she didn't look so damn helpless.

"Sorry", she mumbles and returns to the kitchen. He follows after her and lingers in the doorway.

"What's all this?" he asks in interest. The brunette turns around to look at him and frowns.

"Jamie's having a bake sale tomorrow", she mutters as she flies to the oven. Lucas furrows his brows. He doesn't remember his Pre-K class having bake sales. "He just told me today and it's been a little crazy", she says as she places two batches of cupcakes on the cooling rack.

"Do you need help with anything?" he asks as he watches her brush the hair out of her face. She shakes her head and looks at him over her shoulder.

"No, it's – I've just been running around because Jamie had to be put down for his nap and as he was drifting off he mumbled the bake sale thing and halfway through baking I remembered that you were coming over . . ." she pauses to take a breath.

"I could leave, come back later", he suggests. She shakes her head furiously.

"No", she says quickly. Her eyes meet his and she regrets her outburst. "These just have to cool. I can frost them when I get back", she says firmly and he rolls his eyes.

It's pretty ridiculous, in his opinion, to think that he can't be left to his own devices. This has been the standard for a while now. During the week they all see each other periodically. Haley's got class and Nathan has practice, Lucas himself has practice with the teens and attempts at writing. Once the weekend comes though, it's a known thing that Lucas spends most of it with the Scott's. He needs to keep himself preoccupied. It's like they don't trust to him to be alone for too long.

He can't really blame them for it.

"Alright, I'm going to go up and change; Jamie should be up soon too", she mutters as she pulls the apron over her head. Lucas walks further into the kitchen and grabs one of the finished cupcakes.

"Lucas Scott, drop that or else", Haley yells as she ascends the stairs. Lucas frowns; he doesn't know how she does that. Must be a motherly thing.

He busies himself in the kitchen for a bit. Sipping coffee and glancing at the newspaper. The refrigerator serves as a distraction for a while too. He looks at the drawings Jamie has done and the pictures that have been taken with him doing funny things. And for a second, Lucas lets his mind imagine what his own refrigerator would have been adorned with.

He quickly pushes those thoughts from his mind.

He heads into the living room and smiles at the formal picture they all took a year ago. Nathan, Haley, James, Karen, Lily, and Lucas are all positioned perfectly and wearing matching smiles. In another frame on the opposite wall, there's a bunch of outtakes from their other attempts; goofy faces, wide eyes, and stuck out tongues are just some of the images that make him smile. He's lucky to have the family he does. They don't give up on him and they do everything they can to better him.

He's grateful, but it rarely comes across.

"Haley!" he calls out again. Their movie starts soon and he hates being the person to walk into the dark theater while the coming attractions play. Plus, he knows Jamie will want some snacks and he's so indecisive that they'll be standing in the concession's line for 20 minutes.

"I'll be down in a minute!" she calls back. He can hear the impatience in her voice and he smirks. She's always the one to make lists and have immaculate schedules. It's funny to hear her so bent out of shape because she's running late for something. He's sure that with time that will disappear, but for now it's entertaining.

He crouches down and sorts through the magazines that fill the small basket near the door. They have every subscription one could think of. Children's magazines, sports one's, cooking ones, and countless other's including a few gossip ones. None of the interest him and he stands back up.

Lucas sits on the couch and waits for Haley to come down the stairs. He glances at the coffee table and feels his heart stop. Only the corner of the magazine is visible, but he knows those sneakers and he has a feeling he knows those ankles. He glances back to the stairs and once he knows the coast is clear, he pushes the other mail off of the glossy cover.

His head begins to spin. There she is arm in arm with his younger brother. Her hair is longer and has that blonde color back – she stopped dying it once she found out she was pregnant. She's wearing a green top with a dark denim skirt and black heels.

The skirt is long enough to be modest, but shows off her legs perfectly. He can see the small scars around her kneecap from where they drained all the fluid from her accident, but they're more then that. Those two limbs are tanned and golden and perfect. The cleavage of her breasts pops in her top and he can feel his blood warm. Of all the things he notices, only one keeps his attention.

Her smile.

It's wide and bright and . . . real. He hasn't seen a real smile on her lips in years. Suddenly all he can think about are the laughs they shared and the looks that passed between them. The feel of her hands on his bare skin and the warmth of her lips against his. It's too much and without a word to Haley he stands, walks out the door and gets into his car.

He needs a drink.

_Oh, darling, make it go  
Make it go away_

Its bad trying not to think about her life during the day, but it's even worse at night. She never really knew that Lucas's arms were her protection from the things that go bump in the night. She had nightmares with him lying next to her so she didn't consider the thought that they could be worse without him. But they are. They're so much worse.

It's been three years. Three years to the day since her car accident and she still has nightmares. Sometimes they're of the screaming people and the crunching sounds the cars made as they hit each other. Other night's she's overcome with the images from 2 and a half years ago. The pain she felt as she pushed and pushed. On the worst of the nights, she has both, one right after the other.

Tonight is one of those nights.

She's awoken by her own screams. Loud and heartbreaking and filled with anguish. Peyton shoots up in her bed and tries to stop the furious pound of her heart. She hates remembering those times. She works so hard to put those images and memories behind her; she wishes her subconscious would do the same.

Her eyes focus on the clock beside her; 3:48 AM. She takes a few deep breaths and stands. She can almost put the images behind her – if it weren't for the sweat on her face – because the light helps to eliminate them. She keeps her closet light on at all times. Her hallway is illuminated by the bathroom; that's always on at night too.

She pads into the living room and heads for the kitchen. A warm glass of milk is exactly what she needs. She doesn't know why that helps to put her at ease. It's probably because her mother always used it when she couldn't sleep at night. She heats the milk and pours it into a mug. With it curled between her fingers she walks back into the living room and sits on the couch.

The sun isn't up yet and she doesn't know why that surprises her. She's been waking up before the crack of dawn for years now and it's something she's come to accept. She kind of likes being able to watch as the sky fills with oranges and pinks. It's peaceful and serene – or it would be if the images of why she's up this early didn't flood her mind.

She puts the milk down onto the coffee table and puts her elbows on her knees. At this point it's a little after 4 AM and she knows any attempts at sleep will be futile. She pulls at her hair in frustration and quickly stands. She's got 45 minutes, but if she dresses slowly enough she can get there just as it opens.

She walks into her room and pulls out a pair of shorts and a tank top. She puts her hair up into a ponytail and brushes her teeth. She grabs her i-pod and puts on a pair of running sneakers. With a quick glance around her apartment she nods her head and walks out the door.

She's never been a health nut and working out wasn't always at the top of her list. The exercises started as a part of her rehab. After she returned to LA she got in touch with Dr. Collin's. Thankfully he didn't ask any questions and she's not sure she'd have offered any answers. The exercises helped her gain back a lot of strength in her leg and her arm.

She found that it helped in more ways then one. When she was working out she couldn't focus on anything else but that. She let her blood flow and her heart pound in her ears and for that hour or so all she did was think about her adrenaline and her breaths. Nothing else could enter her mind.

She hits the last step and opens to door that leads to the long, carpeted hallway. She stretches as she walks and groans as her muscles flex and she hears the soft popping noises. She reaches the doors to the gym and huffs in annoyance. Her scowl is replaced by a grin when she spots the trainer on duty walk to the door.

"You're my savior, Frank", she says in relief as he opens the glass doors and she slips through. It's a little before 5, but she knows he wouldn't keep her standing out there. He chuckles deeply and shakes his head at her.

"I should just give you a key. We play this game every morning", he mutters. She shrugs carelessly; as if to say 'I like working out' and he chuckles again.

"I'm practically the _only_ person that uses this gym anyway", she remarks cheekily and he shakes his head.

"You're practically the only person that's here at _five_ in the morning", he stresses. That's when her laughter dies down and she nods her head.

"I don't really sleep anymore", she whispers.

He nods and in the dawning sunlight she notices his features. His jaw line is defined and the dimples he has pop as he grins. He's muscular, but not in the typical way you'd think a personal trainer would be. The main thing she's always noticed is his blue eyes. They're so similar and yet so different from a pair that she _used_ to know so well.

"Guess that's what happens when you're a big time record executive", he says with a smirk. She catches the end of his sentence and this time, she has to force the smile. If only that was the reason for her insomnia.

"Guess so", she mutters. "I'll see you later", she says and then heads to the machines.

She puts in her i-pod and steps onto the treadmill. Her specific workout music fills her ears and she sets the incline level to 7 on the treadmill. She starts to jog and waits for it.

She waits for her brain to stop thinking.

_Give me these moments back  
Give them back to me  
Give me that little kiss  
Give me your hand_

He drives through Tree Hill with the intention of going to the school. Jamie's birthday is in 2 weeks and he needs to find that list his godson gave him. Yes, a list. Jamie isn't a materialistic child, but apparently he doesn't trust his uncle to make a sound decision on his own.

He flicks his blinker and turns the left that it signals. The second he does he can feel the wind shift. It's like driving into another world when he comes down this block. When he thinks about it, it kind of was another world.

Sometimes he drives past the old apartment. It's on his way to work so that's not too out of the ordinary. He cuts through the smaller part of downtown North Carolina because he likes to avoid the early morning traffic. The apartment and that park just happen to be on the way of that shortcut.

What's out of the ordinary is that he drives past the block on the weekends. Not every weekend, but at least every other weekend. This is one of those weekends. He doesn't _need_ to take this route because it's a Sunday morning and there's nobody on the road, but he's a bit of a narcissist as of late and so that's why he's here.

He slows down as he drives past the large complex that holds the moderate sized apartment that he still owns. He's probably crazy for still owning it, but he never really worked up the courage to sell it, to let it go completely. He doesn't go there; hasn't stepped foot into that building since he moved out his last box, but he gets a comfort from knowing that it's still there.

Sometimes he wishes he could just freeze time.

He would stop at the week before everything went to Hell, when he and Peyton were still happy. He would give anything to hear that laugh or see the twinkle in her eye when she thought of something exciting or mischievous. The car behind him honks and snaps from his daydreaming; he presses the gas a little harder.

He maneuvers around the small town and parks in the lot for the school. Years ago he never would have thought that he'd have his own personal parking space, but here he is; 23 and with a sign that says '**parking for head coach only**'. He shuts the car off and walks through the empty lot.

He stops once he reaches the quad and for some reason he looks around. He's walked through this area once a day, five sometimes six days a week since September, but he feels the need to take in his surroundings now. They've updated it in the years since he's sat at the tables. They have new metal tables and potted plants are scattered everywhere. But there's this one section of wooden tables and benches that he remembers from long ago.

_Lucas sat at the table in the quad, waiting for his next class to start. He was perfectly content with his water and a favorite, old book. When he heard the approaching footsteps and caught sight of the person making them, he was even more content._

"_So, what's the deal? Are we gonna hang out at this annual Scott money burn or what?" she asked as she sat with him at the wooden table._

_He looked at her and raised his brows. "Yeah right, like I'm gonna spend the night with Nathan and Dan on my Friday off. I don't think so", he said seriously. "I'd rather stay home with __The Great Gatsby__", he said as he held up the book._

_Peyton looked at him and felt her attraction for him soar. He was so different from other guys their age and it intrigued her. She wanted a chance to spend more time with him. "You know, I read a book last night", she said in what she hoped was a casual voice._

_He looked at her in interest. "Really?"_

_She nodded. "Yeah, it's about this girl and this guy and they've got this really weird vibe thing going on, but there's all this drama cause the girl's got this ex-boyfriend who turns out to be none other then . . . the guys brother", she paused for dramatic effect and Lucas stayed enthralled. "So, the whole thing comes to this great, big climax at this big party at their evil dad's house", she finished with a smirk._

_He tried to remain calm. He and Peyton hadn't tried to breach the lines of friendship – Hell they just started to consider each other friends – and here she was propositioning something more then that. "Really? Hmm . . . what happens in the end?" he asked as he leaned forward a bit._

_Peyton smiled internally; she got him. Hook, line, and sinker. "You're just gonna have to show up to find out", she said coyly and she walked away._

_Lucas smirked and turned his head to watch her leave. He was totally going to that party._

That night could have been so simple, instead they endured months and years of pain and heartache . . . they still are. He shakes his head and keeps walking. This is the most he's thought about Peyton in years. The most for one day at least.

It's probably because of the calendar day. Three years ago Peyton was in the car accident that almost took her away from him. This happens every year on this warped anniversary, every little thing becomes a big thing and it turns into Peyton being everywhere.

He can feel his throat tighten and his eyes burn. To stop those feelings he clenches his jaw and clamps his eyes shut; it helps. He hasn't cried in years and he doesn't plan on doing it right now. Right now he just wants to get Jamie's list and go to the store. He envisions those blonde curls walking towards him in the hallway and he shakes his head.

He wants to get that list, head to the bar, and go to the store tomorrow.

_I know you have a little life in you yet  
I know you have a lot of strength left  
I know you have a little life in you yet  
I know you have a lot of strength left_

_I should be crying, but I just can't let it show  
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking_

When she walks into her office she frowns. She knows she's not late, she's actually got 10 minutes before she's even _supposed_ to be here.

"Julian?" she asks in confusion. "What are you doing here?"

She walks to her desk and balances various folders and CD's along with her large coffee. Thankfully, she manages to put them all on the polished wood without spilling her coffee; she won't be able to function without it. She used to simply drink coffee for the act of drinking coffee. Now she literally needs it to keep her going.

He stares at her as she sits down – her black slacks and white blouse keep him mesmerized – and the fact that he still hasn't spoken makes her nervous. Julian is always a man of many words, sometimes too many. "Seriously Julian, you're freaking me out right now", she says with a laugh.

He smiles and puts his hands on his knees. "I read a book last night . . ."

For a second she remembers that day in junior year with the sun beating down on her as she approached the boy she as pretty sure she was going to fall in love with or in the process or falling in love with . . . maybe she was already in love with him at that point.

"Okay", she laughs again, completely unsure about where this is going. Julian makes a guilty face.

"Well I re-read a book last night", she makes a face of recognition. She has an idea where this is going. "It's still really good", he adds with a smirk.

"_The Comet_?" Peyton questions with a kinked brow.

It was published about 6 months after Peyton left Tree Hill. She knows the way the publishing world works and therefore she knows it wasn't written after she left him. Plus, she remembered seeing Lucas typing away at his laptop during his free time.

It's gotten rave reviews since its release and Peyton's secretly proud of him; various copies of it line a bookshelf in her apartment. It's about a scientist and a comet, at least that what she tells herself.

Every other person insists it's about a boy who longs for his lost love to return.

She doesn't like to think that way, but it gives her the butterflies whenever she lets her mind wander to that point. The reviews don't help her refute that. Most of them applaud Lucas for an amazing sophomore piece of work, but there's one in particular that she will forever keep engrained . . .

"_Lucas Scott's sophomore effort is a moving portrait of lost love. It will turn even the most cynical reader into a hopeless romantic." – Terrance Cole, author of "Anything For a Buck"_

"No", Julian says with a bit of a pout. "I was talking about Ravens", Peyton nods.

The other love story that surrounds her life.

"It's a good book", Peyton agrees. She can be mature and proud and she can admit that it's a beautiful story. It just breaks her heart to do all that.

"It would make a pretty good move too", he mumbles. She looks at him and rolls her eyes. He's always so _subtle_.

"Julian, I've already told you, if this is something you believe in you should go for it", she means the words she speaks. She would never want to stop someone from going after their dream.

He shakes his head. "I wouldn't want to do that to you", he says sincerely.

She smiles. Julian Baker is filled with smart comments and a condescending attitude, but she hardly ever sees that. She almost always gets the sincere, gentle guy and she wishes she could fall in love with him, she really does.

But she never will.

"Julian, don't worry about me. I probably won't even go see it", she quips. His mouth drops and she giggles.

"What about the premiere?" he asks with a raised brow. She furrows hers. What about it?

"I'm sure you'll have some flavor of the week by then", she teases, but he simply shakes his head.

"I'd take you", he says seriously.

"Why?" she asks with a laugh.

"Because Peyton . . ." his voice is soft and she can feel her heart pound in her ears, but it's not in the typical adrenaline filled way. She sucks in a breath. This isn't the first time he's tried to get serious about their non-existent relationship, but she's usually expecting it.

Thankfully the moment is interrupted.

"Sawyer!"

She grimaces as her last name is bellowed through the hallway. She really wishes he would call her by her first name. It's like he chooses not to acknowledge her as an equal. She ignores him and it works for a bit, but then it happens again.

"Sawyer!!"

She sighs and stands from her desk. She walks to the door, but stops to look at Julian. His face is deflated and she knows he wants to keep talking about this, but she really can't go there right now.

"Call him", she whispers. "Talk about the movie", she insists before leaving her office.

She walks down the hall and takes a deep breath before walking into his office. She's glad she worked out this morning; most of her tensions gone. She walks in and before she can say a word, he's talking.

"We got a call about someone who's got some space available. They want to talk to someone –"John begins, but she cuts him off.

"I know, Andrew told me about the meeting this morning, they want someone to go down there and run it. I had some other stuff I needed to do", she whispers. He purses his lips.

"You know, its wonder they gave you the position you have", he mumbles and she narrows her eyes. "Was it some pathetic womanly issue?"

On any other day she would roll her eyes and make some typical bitchy comment. Today isn't the day for that. She marches forward; her black heels clack against his hard wood floors.

"I worked hard for this job and that kills you", she sneers at him. He raises his brows, but an amused smirk stays on his lips and she wants to smack it right off. She is going to fight tooth and nail for this new label. She really wants it.

"Is that so?"

"Yeah", she says with conviction. "I didn't have to drop a button or roll my skirt to get into meetings. I was invited in because I'm damn good at what I do. I may have been assistant to the assistant for a while, but that doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing", she says as she raises an eyebrow.

"I know that", he says simply.

"I've got a degree in business and a good ear and that's more then I can say for you", she barks. His amused look remains. She places her hands on her hips and waits for a response.

"That may be so, but I just don't know if you'll be able to handle the environment for this new place", he says plainly. Peyton stares at him and frowns.

"If this is some attempt at reverse psychology so that I don't take it, you can forget it John. I want this new label", Peyton says firmly as she plants her hands on her hips. "Where is it?"

"Some small town in North Carolina", he says and pauses dramatically. He honestly doesn't need the dramatics. Right now Peyton's head is spinning. She takes a deep breath and licks her lips. There's no way it can be the one place she's tried so hard to avoid. There are lots of small towns in North Carolina. But then he says;

"A little place called Tree Hill."

And her perfect bubble that surrounds her perfect life bursts.

_Of all the things we should've said  
That we never said  
All the things we should've done  
Though we never did  
All the things that you needed from me  
All the things that you wanted for me  
All the things that I should've given  
But I didn't_

When Lucas enters his mother's house he's hit with the overwhelming sense of _home_. It's not where he lives permanently, he's got a moderate sized place near the beach, but he loves coming back to the place he grew up in.

"Luke!" his little sister screams as she runs down the hallway. He smiles brightly – besides Jamie she's the only thing that gets him to truly smile – and picks her up into his arms. She laughs loudly and he spins them around.

"How are you Lily bear?" he asks as he kisses her cheeks. She giggles some more and when he places her on her feet she runs in the direction that she just came from.

He watches her go and for a _second_, he sees blonde hair running down the hall instead of her brown locks. It seems like all his _seconds_ have been the same the past few weeks. One way or another they've been linked to Peyton or the life they used to have – could have had – they life they were supposed to have.

"Hey honey", his mother's voice breaks him from dwelling on the past and he smiles softly. He walks over to the coffee pot and pours himself a mug of the steaming liquid. Karen looks at his younger sister and the girl scampers out into the yard. Whatever's coming can't be good.

"What's going on, Ma?" he asks as he sits across from her at the kitchen table. Karen takes a deep breath and looks at her son. The man she will always consider her baby boy and feels her heart break. He's been through too much for his short 23 years of life and she's only about to pile more on to that.

"I sold the café", she says slowly. Lucas's mouth drops and he blinks from shock. She did what?

"You did what?" he voices his thoughts. Karen nods her head.

"You know I've been thinking about traveling", she beings. "Andy and I have been talking long distance and I realized how much missed him", she whispers.

"Ma, I know that, but how come you haven't mentioned anything sooner?" he asks desperately. She shrugs her shoulders softly.

"I don't know. There have been a lot of other things going on and, I guess I didn't want to dump more weight on your shoulders", she admits.

Lucas groans. Everyone is so damn concerned with his feelings and how he'll react to things that they end up leaving him in the dark about important issues. He hates it.

But at the same time, he gets it.

"Mom, this is something that I should have been told", he says seriously. He can't help the anger that creeps into his tone. Karen sends him a look and he looks down. Karen lets out a breath and she reaches across the table to grab his hand.

"Lucas, I'm sorry. I realize this isn't something that I should spring on you", she mumbles. Lucas turns his hand over and grasps her hand in his. No, this really isn't something that she should have sprung on him.

"Who'd you sell it to?" he asks as he removes his hand and stands from the chair. Karen smiles slightly and says;

"Brooke. She's been looking to expand."

Lucas nods, he's glad that it won't be sold to some stranger. At least Brooke will take care of it the way it deserves to be taken care of. Then he furrows his brows.

"What about TRIC?" he asks in confusion. After Deb signed the whole thing over to Karen in his senior year his mother worked hard to make it into the place it used to be; back when Peyton started it.

Karen glances at her mug and swallows hard. "I've um, I've got some people interested", she says vaguely. Lucas raises his brows, but Karen doesn't meet his eyes.

"Some _people_?" he echoes with a disbelieving look. She's got some people interested in TRIC. She's going to trust some random person with something Karen helped build up. With something Peyton helped create.

"Lucas, it's going to be taken care of", she promises. He just nods his head and clenches his jaw. Karen sighs; she knew she shouldn't have dumped this all on him at once.

"What about Lily's birthday? She turns 5 next week", he says with a bit of worry in her voice.

"Andy's coming into town in a few days and we're going out on his yacht. We most likely won't be around", she whispers. Lucas hangs his head; he won't see his sister for her birthday.

He blinks his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I'm just gonna head out. Tell Lily I said goodbye", he mumbles as he walks to the hallway. Karen stands calls out to him;

"Lucas!"

He stops at the desperation in her voice. He heaves a great sigh and turns to look at her. He knows she isn't purposely trying to hurt him, but he's dealt with unstableness in his life before. He thought he had some common ground now.

"I'll call you later", he promises. "I just can't do this right now", he whispers and walks out the front door.

He gets in his car and pulls out of the driveway. One his way back to his house he tries to free his mind of the fact that pretty soon his mother is leaving and his little sister is going to be gone too. He gets to his house and gets out of his car. When he walks into his house he goes straight to the freezer and pushes some frozen stuff out of the way. Once he finds what he's looking for he sits at the table and unscrews the cap.

For the past few years he's tried so hard to be a different person. He's tried to be presentable in front of his sister and act like nothing was wrong in front of his mother. Now his mother and sister are leaving. He doesn't really have a point in keeping up a façade.

He puts the bottle to his lips and waits for the world to fade away.

_Oh, darling, make it go away  
Just make it go away now_

* * *

I couldn't keep her away for long LOL. She probably won't be back in Tree Hill until chapter 10, maybe the tail end of chapter 9. Let me know what you think!


	9. Slow Dancing In a Burning Room

**I still don't own it, just like I don't own "Slow Dancing In a Burning Room" by John Mayer.**

Great song! There's an acoustic version on youtube. As I've stated before, I'm an acoustic girl.

Moodysuburbanteenagelovesong – Haley's not preggers. The fidgeting had to do with the fact that she was more or less babysitting Lucas on the weekends – or she tries to. Peyton isn't aware of the drinking thing because clearly he's not something she likes to discuss. I love that you read into things though!

Also, sorry for the wait . . . school's been hectic and I have no idea where my inspiration for this went, but I'm trying to bring it back LOL.

Also, the last chapter was over the course of around a month.

Enjoy!

* * *

_It's not a silly little moment,  
It's not the storm before the calm  
This is the deep and dying breath of  
This love that we've been working on_

Sleep is a hard thing to get. It doesn't matter that he's got the best mattress money could buy. He's got sheets that have the highest thread count possible and his pillows are soft and mold to his head. He should be counting sheep as soon as his body hits the cream colored comforter. But he doesn't. He never does. And he doesn't know if he ever will.

He's surrounded by the images and thoughts of what could have been during the day, but at night it's so much worse. At night he can't find ways to escape it. He went though a week filled with insomnia, but that was more damaging then anything else. Sleeping pills don't seem strong enough. It seems like he's doomed to a life of tossing and turning. Whenever his eyelids droop her face is the first thing he sees.

She's never upset though. She's always smiling or laughing. Sometimes her hair's straight, other times it's curly. She's running on the beach or curled up on the couch. She's always _his_ Peyton.

Not the Peyton that was hit with the weight of the world.

So that's why he drinks. It's common knowledge that if you drink yourself into oblivion, you'll pass out and get no chance of dreaming. His dreams are dangerous. They make him think about the past and the fact that they weren't strong enough to stay together.

_He_ wasn't strong enough to keep _them_ together.

On some level – subconscious or not – he knows it was all a two way street. He knows they both had a part in the way everything went between them. But he's Lucas Scott and he's always had a complex about being the one to save everything and everyone – mostly Peyton.

But he couldn't save them from themselves.

He didn't bother to make her talk about her feelings. He pretended things were better then they were. He drank himself into oblivion every night. He hated the world and felt that it wasn't anything like it was before they lost the baby.

He didn't bother to fight for her.

He sits and thinks about all the things that went down, but at the end of the day it's pretty cut and dry. They experienced something traumatic. They stopped talking. They stopped sharing a bed. They stopped smiling. They stopped laughing. They stopped loving each other.

Didn't they?

It would make sense, wouldn't it? They stopped everything else and therefore they had to have stopped loving and caring for each other. She walked out. He let her. He watched her walk out the door of the apartment they shared. The apartment they were going to make a home. She didn't love him anymore so she left.

He didn't love her anymore so he let her leave.

Right?

He can smell the ocean air blowing in from the window. He smiles in his sleep and turns on his side. He slings his arm away from his body and gathers the bunched up comforter beside him. He prepares to breathe in that all too familiar scent, but he gets the ocean once more. He's startled awake by the intense feeling of loneliness.

Wrong.

_Can't seem to hold you like I want to  
So I can feel you in my arms  
Nobody's gonna come and save you,  
We pulled too many false alarms_

She walks down the hall and into her office like a zombie. She sits in her chair and focuses on nothing in particular. Her heart starts to pound in her ears and the sound is deafening. She can feel her pulse race and her breaths increase rapidly. She can't take a deep breath and it's impossible to form a coherent thought.

She's having a panic attack.

Her breaths are so ragged that she's literally gasping for air and nobody's around. She doesn't know where Julian went, but right now she needs him. She needs someone. A second later that same man walks into her office with a grin on his face and his cell phone in his hand.

The second he sees her, that grin fades.

"Peyton!" he yells as he rushes to her side. He pushes her hair out of her face and tells her to breathe, but it's all futile. He jogs out to her assistants' office and searches for that paper bag the young girl brought her breakfast to work in. He finds the bag and rushes back to Peyton.

"Breathe into this", he orders as he puts the bag around her mouth. She holds it in place and he rubs her back as she breathes in and out at a slower pace. He nods and can feel his own heart beat slower.

"I'm okay", she says a bit breathlessly. He kneels in front of her and furrows his brows. "Really, I'm okay . . . now", she finishes with a laugh. She puts the bag on her desk and pulls her hair into a ponytail. That was draining.

Julian walks around and sits at the chair he had occupied just before she left. He opens his mouth, but she cuts him off. "Can we not discuss this yet?" she begs. "Where were you?"

"I made a phone call", he says. He knows by now that trying to get an answer from Peyton is like trying to get a stone from water. If she's not willing to or ready to talk about it, it's not happening.

Again, she feels her heart rate pick up. It's like her body senses when Lucas will be brought. Sure enough, Julian says;

"I got in touch with Lucas. He wants to talk about it more in person", he tries to hide the smile, but Peyton won't let him.

"That's really amazing", she cheers. Despite her issues with that man and that town and that book; she's thrilled that Julian will get the chance to put it all into action. He's wanted to do this for a while, but he's been too concerned about her and how she would feel with hearing out it. Now she almost wishes she hadn't been so persistent of him to do the damn movie.

"Thanks", the tips of his ears turn pink and she knows he's a little bit embarrassed. From what she's learned of Julian, his father's less than involved in his life and always finds a way to put him down. It's kind of reminds her of someone she knows – or knew.

"We should celebrate", she mumbles as she flips through her list of contacts for the name of a fancy restaurant. Julian clears his throat.

"We're not doing anything until we talk about the panic attack you had", he demands. She puts down the cards and looks at the man before her. Sometimes he's such the perfect mix of both Scott men that she can hardly believe it.

"We're opening a branch for the label. I'm actually in charge of it all", for the first time since getting the actual promotion she smiles. But that's short lived.

"That's great", Julian says with a smile. He watches as her smile fades and he shakes his head. "Why is this not great?"

"No. It is . . . it's good – it's great", she stutters over her words and she's less than enthused about everything. Julian furrows his brows. He does know that Peyton's wanted more responsibility and more of a chance to prove her-self; he really doesn't get her lackluster attitude.

"Peyton, I'm gonna need more than that", he says playfully.

She takes a deep breath and tries to prepare herself for the reality that this all brings. Just this morning she was telling Julian that she was never going back to that place. That she was done with it.

This is one of the biggest kicks in the ass karma's ever given her.

"It's umm . . . the new label is in Tree Hill", she says with a stronger voice then she thought possible. His mouth drops and a small smirk almost forms; he seems to realize the consequences of his actions.

"Wow", he breathes out. "Do you know where exactly?"

She stares at him for a minute. In everything that had transpired in the last hour she never thought about where exactly she was going to be working. As her mind rattles off locations now, she can only think of one area.

"The only place fit for a recording studio or any type of musical entertainment is TRIC, but Karen owns that . . ." her voice trails off and she remembers a conversation from a few weeks ago.

"_So, any other new things?" Peyton asked in interest as she clutched the phone in her hands. She signed off on some papers and handed them to her assistant. She quickly glanced at the clock; they'd been talking for an hour already._

"_Oh, you know the usual", Karen said breezily._ _"I've been talking to Andy", she slipped in casually. Peyton's mouth dropped._

"_Karen! How long have you two been talking?" she asked in interest. She liked Andy; always felt like he was a good man._

"_You sound just like Haley", the older woman mumbled. "It hasn't been too long . . . maybe four or more months."_

"_Four or more! Karen, that's huge", she squealed. For the next hour, the two of them talked about how she and Andy had come into contact and how things were progressing. The conversation hit a pause and she heard Karen sigh._

"_It's good to talk to him. I just wish I could be with him._

_Peyton frowned over the line and felt her heart ache for the woman she considered a mother. She had been through a lot in her 40-something years and it wasn't fair that something was still standing in the way of her happiness. She didn't know what to say so she simply offered;_

"_I'm sure you'll figure something out."_

"Karen", Peyton says through a puff of air. "This must mean she's leaving", she mumbles to herself.

"Okay, I'm not even going to pretend to know what that means", Julian mutters. Peyton looks at him and lets a sigh escape her lips.

"It means I'm going to Tree Hill."

_We're going down,  
And you can see it too  
We're going down, down  
And you know that we're doomed  
My dear,  
We're slow dancing in a burning room_

As Brooke looks around the well known café she lets her mind wander. She can envision a flurry of mannequins lining the windows and a metallic color on the walls. She smiles to herself as she jots ideas down and color samples.

She moved back to Tree Hill just after Christmas. Her corporation was set up in New York, but she was certain she could maintain everything from wherever she was; plus she missed Tree Hill. She's been living here for a little over six months and now she has an even better reason for staying here.

"Getting a little ahead of yourself, no?"

Brooke rolls her eyes and turns to stare at her former boyfriend; the guy she thought was the love of her life. She quickly learned that wasn't true. He was – is – destined to be with her best friend, but that wasn't something they talked about anymore.

"Aren't you supposed to be watching your little sister?" Brooke comments with a quirked eyebrow. Lucas chuckles.

"I dropped her off that Nathan and Haley's. Mom has a few things left to pack", he says softly. She leaves her notepad on the countertop and approaches him caringly.

"I know this kind of sucks, but she's doing something that's going to make her happy", she says softly. Lucas meets her eyes and nods.

"I know it is, really I do", he says with a small smile. "It's just", he stops to let out a breath. "Everything's changing", he whispers while motioning around the place he spent a majority of his childhood.

Brooke smiles understandingly and nods her head. This isn't going to be easy for her either. Karen trusts her with the one thing that's been a stable in her life. This café is the whole reason Karen's made a thing she has. This was the start of it all for the older woman; Brooke hopes she has the same luck.

"I'll make sure to leave that", the brunette promises as she points to the writing on the wall. Lucas glances upwards and smirks.

"Somebody told me that this is the place where everything's better and everything's safe", he whispers as he reads the scripted writing. His smirk fades softly and Brooke knows why. Peyton wrote that on the wall for Karen when they came back from Los Angeles and still needed a babysitter; according to Lucas.

"Luke –"

"How about I get us some coffee? It's the best in town", he completely diverts anything she's going to say because he knows it'll involve Peyton and that's the absolute last thing he needs. "For now anyway", he adds with a cheeky smile.

They may not be lovers anymore, but she's pretty sure Lucas Scott will always be able to make her melt. It's something about boyishly, rugged looks and the twinkle his eyes get when he knows he's being charming; that smirk is a key factor too.

But maybe it's because under all of that, she knows he's a broken man.

For whatever the reason, she smiles – her trademark dimples – and nods her head. "The coffee is amazing", she rasps. Lucas is halfway to the kitchen when Brooke yells out;

"I'm gonna need the recipe before your mom leaves!"

Lucas chuckles and she can picture the way he shakes his head. "It's coffee, Brooke! There's no secret ingredient!"

She knows this, of course she does. But Lucas's laughter is so limited these days that she's willing to make herself look like a tool just to hear that escape of breath. She sits at the counter and jots down a few more ideas. She can hear Lucas whistle as he does whatever getting coffee together involves and she quirks her brow.

It's amazing how he can be so many different people.

He comes back out from the back room with two cups of steaming, black liquid and Brooke's never been happier to see coffee in her entire life. She smiles gratefully as he puts a mug in front of her, but before he sits her smile turns hopeful.

"What?" he asks, but it comes out as a groan. Brooke opens her mouth, but simply shakes her head.

"I'll get it", she insists as she stands. Lucas scoffs and rolls his eyes.

"Sugar?" he asks. Brooke nods her head and he grabs his mug. "You're lucky you're taking this place over, Brooke", he teases. Brooke's raspy laugh fills the desolate café and instead of sitting down, she picks up her mug and walks over to the windows.

The sun shines brightly and Brooke can hardly believe its summer. Jamie and Lily's birthday is vastly approaching and then Brooke can hardly believe that they're going to be five. The bell chimes and Brooke turns.

"I'm sorry, we're clo – Karen!" she yells with a smile. The older woman embraces the young brunette and when they pull apart Brooke makes a face at Karen's expression. "What are you doing here? I thought you were packing?"

"I was . . . I am", she stutters nervously. She doesn't know why she's so nervous. There's nothing to be nervous about . . . not really anyway. Brooke raises her brows. "Okay, well remember how I told everyone that I sold TRIC to some random, big time, record label?"

Brooke nods, not entirely sure what the point of the older woman's babbling is. Karen's never been one to hold back on her feelings or her words of wisdom. "Okay, well I might have kind of lied", she whispers.

"Okay Karen, you're kind of freaking me out with all this rambling", Brooke states with a nervous laugh. "I mean, I'm usually the one to ramble. It's my thing, I ramble when I'm nervous or on edge or . . . I don't know really. So I know why I ramble, but why are you rambling? Is something wrong . . . did something happen . . ."

Honestly, Karen doesn't know. She knows she should just be honest; she should have been from the beginning, but it's all just so complicated and she knows this, but it didn't stop her. Of all people, she shouldn't have kept this from Brooke.

"I sold it to Peyton", Karen rushes out in one breath and then feels the weight life from her shoulders. Brooke's eyes widen and her mouth drops. A coffee mug falls to the floor and the ceramic pieces scatter; causing the warm liquid to create a puddle. She's not too surprised by the shock.

She _is_ surprised that the mug doesn't slip from Brooke's grip.

It falls from Lucas's hands.

_I was the one you always dreamed of,  
You were the one I tried to draw  
How dare you say it's nothing to me?  
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw_

Peyton sits on her bed and stares mindlessly at the boxes on the floor. Moving. She's moving.

She's moving back to Tree Hill.

She doesn't know for how long, but she's certain it won't be permanent. There's no way she can possibly live in the place that tore her apart. There are too many ghosts there and it's just not something she can deal with.

She knows that's an unacceptable answer.

She tosses some shirts into an empty box and gets ready to throw the next object in, but she stops in her tracks. It's a small black binder from years ago. She hasn't opened it in years, but some of the papers are sticking out and the one that catches her causes her to well up.

A crowd of men in suits and button down and the same solemn expression on their faces. They all have dark hair and wear ties and look miserable. But there's one lone boy that stands out from the rest. He's got blonde hair and a red t-shirt that she's pretty sure she's got folded in a drawer in her room. But he has no face.

THEY ARE NOT YOU.

They weren't. They still aren't. Nobody can compare to Lucas and that's probably what hurts the most. She hasn't really ventured into the dating world since she left and although she knows she should have, she doesn't want to spend the entire date comparing them to the blonde boy she left behind.

Against her better judgment she picks up the other sketches and sorts through them. The memories of Lucas breaking up with Brooke and Jake and Jenny leaving fill her mind. So does her stint with coke and the day Ellie came into her life. There are so many memories that are forever marked for her to see.

Then she comes to the one that nearly makes her cry.

A blonde boy and girl – sixteen year old versions of Lucas and Peyton – facing each other. They're staring into each others eyes and their hands are on each other's bodies. There's one, small, hopeful thought bubble that hangs in the air.

And Now We Can Have It.

They couldn't have it. They'll never have it. Peyton can feel her eyes sting and that familiar burn in her throat; she's going to cry. She holds her breath and swallows back the giant lump in her throat. The phone rings and she's grateful – now she has to mask her sadness.

"Hello", she says into one end of her cell. There's a stretch of silence. "Hello?" she says again.

"_Hey"_, the voice of her best friend echoes in her ears. Peyton can feel her heart plummet and a whole new batch of tears come on strong.

"Brooke", she whispers. To say she and her best friend have a strained relationship would be an understatement. They've both got so many things going on in their lives that it just got hard to talk.

They still do, just on a weekly, sometimes monthly basis. Everything's the same between them as it always was, but they can both agree that not talking to each other everyday is a hard thing for them.

"_How's it going, P. Sawyer?"_ Brooke asks with her usual raspy voice. That's when Peyton freezes. There's something else in that tone her friend uses. She's excited and cheery, but she's also accusatory.

Brooke knows about Tree Hill.

"Brooke . . . I don't know what to do", the blonde whispers as she curls onto her side on her large bed. Brooke heaves a sigh and Peyton can imagine her doing the same thing on the other end of the phone.

"_It's your job Peyton"_, Brooke whispers. _"You have to come here because Karen's leaving and –"_

"I know that, B, but it's gonna be hard", she admits as she holds back the tears. She turns to lie on her back and she stares at the ceiling.

"_That's why I'm here"_, Brooke says with a cheeky smile. _"I can hold your hand and I can push you when you need it. I'm your best friend"_, she says with a strong force behind it. Peyton feels like scum.

"I'm sorry, that we've been so out of contact –"

"_Stop"_, Brooke demands. _"It's a two way street and I know that things are busy and hard and . . . well you're coming home so we can have one of those P. Sawyer, B. Davis reunion tours!"_

Peyton smiles before remembering the last time they had one of those. It was right after they settled everything that lingered between them. Lucas. He was what was between them. Even then, Peyton still wanted to be with him, but she couldn't do that again. Plus, he came home pining for Brooke.

"How do you even know I'm coming home?" she asks playfully; wanting to forget the tension. The brunette on the other end chuckles.

"_Karen can't keep a secret to save her life"_, she says while still laughing. Peyton smiles too, but it doesn't last long.

If Brooke knows, does everyone know?

If everyone knows, does Lucas know?

"B, do you –" she's cut off by her friends yawn and it makes her glance at the clock. It's 12 AM in Los Angeles which means its 3 AM in Tree Hill. "You should go to bed", Peyton says softly.

"_I'm fine"_, the brunette promises, but another yawn goes against it. "_I guess I am a little tired"_, she says sheepishly. _"When are you coming home?"_

Home. That word feels foreign to her. LA isn't home, that's for sure. She hasn't felt home in years. She doesn't even think Tree Hill constitutes as such. The only place she's ever felt remotely close to home is in one place.

Lucas's arms.

But that won't happen ever again.

Peyton shakes her head when she hears Brooke call her name repeatedly. "Sorry, umm, I should be in sometime tomorrow."

"_Okay, well I'll see you when you get in"_, Brooke promises. _"I love you P. Sawyer"_, she says in her typical motherly tone. She's always felt maternal when it comes to the blonde.

"Brooke!" she shouts before her friend hangs up. "Does umm, does _he_ know?" she asks softly; afraid of the answer.

Brooke pauses and debates lying, but she thinks that would only make things worse.

"_Yeah, yeah he does."_

Oh fuck.

_I'll make the most of all the sadness,  
You'll be a bitch because you can  
You try to hit me just to hurt me  
So you leave me feeling dirty  
Cause you can't understand  
_

Lucas paces back and forth. Back and forth. His hands move from his hips to his head to his face. 4 pairs of eyes watch him warily.

He hasn't spoken in 10 minutes.

He's opened his mouth, but closed it soon after. None of them are sure about what he's going to say, but they don't want him to yell. They know that the stress of Peyton coming back cannot be good for him, but they're kind of glad that he knows now.

Its better then her popping up in a few days and him openly freaking out.

"Luke . . ." Haley's the first to venture the conversation. The blonde man stops in his tracks and looks at his best friend before shaking his head and continuing to pace the floor. Nathan huffs.

"Alright, Lucas she's coming home. She used to live here, you know?" he says with his arms folded over his chest. Haley smacks his shoulder. He looks at her incredulously.

"She doesn't live here anymore", Lucas growls out. Nathan rolls his eyes, which doesn't do much to help Lucas's anger. "How could none of you tell me?!" he questions loudly.

None of them get this. They don't understand how huge this is. It's bigger then huge. It's monumental! Peyton Sawyer will be in Tree Hill. They're all sitting there acting like he shouldn't care. Like he has no right to care. And okay, maybe he doesn't have that right.

But it doesn't _stop_ him from caring.

He's spent so many months and hours – years – devoted to being indifferent in regards to that blonde. Of course, he's done a terrible job at hiding it. He's a closet drinker. Except for last night. Then again, he didn't go to sleep after leaving his mother and Brooke at the store. He sat in his room, on his bed, and stared at the ceiling.

It's just, it's Peyton.

"None of us knew", Brooke whispers as she wipes her eyes. Even after Peyton told her to go to bed they stayed on the phone for another 2 hours. When she finally closed her eyes Lucas called at 7:30 demanding they all meet at his house. To say Brooke's past the point of exhaustion would be an understatement.

"So only you knew?" he asks as he looks at his mother. The older woman takes a deep breath and sits up straight in the chair. The other three know this isn't going to be pretty.

"Yes, Lucas, I knew. When I called about investors, the only place I called was Peyton's office. I got in touch with her boss and said I was interested in selling a space. I also told them I wanted one specific person for the job", she admits, much to Lucas's horror.

He stands frozen in his spot, not breathing, not blinking. Completely motionless. She's coming home. She's coming back. She's coming back to him.

No, not to him.

Karen stares at her son and feels her heart ache for him. "I know it sucks and I know you probably hate me, but I couldn't leave that with anyone else", she whispers. He snaps out of his daze and nods slowly.

"I don't hate you", he whispers. "And I get it, I do", he insists when everyone rolls their eyes. "I was just surprised."

That's pretty much the understatement of the year. He knows his mother wasn't purposely trying to hurt him by keeping this quiet, but it feels like she was. She's been talking to Peyton ever since she left and while he doesn't really care about that, she's still his mother and that's still his ex-girlfriend.

His ex-girlfriend that's coming home.

The last time they saw each other they were yelling and screaming and really close to crying. Actually, he's pretty sure he did cry. He broke down like a baby after she left. Then he got himself together and went to the nearest bar.

It just doesn't seem fair to him. She shouldn't be able to pull a Hurricane Peyton and blow back into all their lives. Well, his life really. He's never resented his friends and family more then he does right now for keeping in contact with her.

"I just need some air", he says with a hoarse voice before darting from the room. All three women look at each other before Haley lets out a breath. She hasn't said anything this entire time and she's Lucas's best friend. It makes sense for her to go.

"Let me", Nathan says as he pulls gently on her wrists. Haley furrows her brows. "I'll be good", he promises like a child.

All the women give him a pointed look and he pouts. "I promise!" he hisses before tracing his brother's steps to the balcony.

Lucas lets the salty air hit his lungs and wash over him. The seagulls caw and the waves crash against the shoreline. This is his peace. The beach has always been a comfort. It was the key factor in him buying this house.

He hears the sliding glass door open and he closes his eyes. Taking all his frustrations out on them wasn't the way to go about things. He's just under a lot of new stress. Besides the newest revelation . . . . he received a call from a movie producer wanting to talk about Ravens. He hadn't known what to say at the time so he told the man that he needed to discuss things with his editor and publishing house, but he promised to get back to him.

What the Hell was that guy's name?

"I'm not too interested in this Dr. Phil stuff", Nathan mumbles. It makes Lucas smirk and face him. "I just wanted to inform you that you were acting like a dick."

"I know, I suck", Lucas groans and runs a hand over his face. "It's just . . ." he pauses and Nathan thinks that his older brother is actually going to talk to him about _everything_.

But he doesn't.

"I've got to head into New York", the blonde says softly. "Some movie producer called, but I want to talk to Lindsey first", Nathan nods.

"You know she's gonna chew your ass out for not writing anything", the younger Scott says with a smirk. Lucas sticks his hands in his pockets and nods.

"Probably, but I think it'll balance out when I tell her about the possible movie deal", Nathan's brow rises. Movie?

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah, some producer out in LA called the other day and said he wanted to talk about turning Ravens into a movie", Lucas grins and Nathan does also. His brother says that's he's going to tell the others and as he approaches the door Nathan has a lingering thought.

"What's his name?" Nathan asks in interest and for some reason the name hits Lucas like a light bulb flashing.

"Julian . . . Julian Baker."

Oh fuck.

_We're going down,  
And you can see it too  
We're going down,  
And you know that we're doomed  
My dear,  
We're slow dancing in a burning room_

She takes as she looks around her office. She's leaving soon, but she needs to make sure she's got everything she needs. Files and cd's and other various items fill a box that's on her desk. She takes a seat and puts her elbows on her wooden desk; her head in her hands.

She's slowly sinking. She knows it. She feels it. She has to shake her head to stop the overwhelming sense of dread. It won't be that bad. All she's doing is heading down there to get a label started and then she can come back.

She just has to figure out how to avoid certain people in a town as small as Tree Hill.

"So, I've been thinking", Julian says as he blows into her office. "Whoa, you look like Hell", he says and stops in his tracks.

Peyton rolls her eyes. Always the charmer. It's not her fault that she looks like a truck ran her over and then reversed, only to use her as a speed bump yet again. She get's an eerie chill; maybe a car crash analogy is the best image.

She wouldn't look so bad, but she was on the phone with Brooke for hours last night. It was fun though. They caught up on everything that needed to be talked about and they even had time for gossip. There's this guy that Brooke's interested in, Owen Morello, and he sounds like the first decent guy in her life in a long time.

She's happy, but she's also jealous. Everyone in her life is moving on and moving up and she's just moving. She's just moving back to the one place that still haunts her. Keeps her awake at night and wakes her from her few deep slumbers.

She's definitely a masochist.

"Thanks for the information, Baker", she grumbles and throws her head into her hands once again. Julian slowly approaches the seat in front of her desk and sits. He waits for her to crack; it doesn't matter how long it'll take.

"I don't wanna talk about it", she mumbles from behind her hands. Julian shrugs. "Really, you're gonna be sitting in silence for a while", she warns. One again, he only shrugs. "You're infuriating!" she groans angrily.

He doesn't answer, merely shrugs.

"Fine! I have to go back to Tree Hill and I'm freaking out about it, okay? Everything was fine a day ago", Julian sends her a look, but she ignores it. So what if it wasn't fine? It was good. And good is better then nothing.

"Now, I'm going back to the one place I tried to ignore and forget about. And it just really sucks!"

"I know", he says simply. "But, that's why I'm here", he grins cheekily. She furrows her brows and shakes her head.

"What are you talking about?"

"Remember how I told you that I called Lucas", she nods. "Well, he needs to talk to that editor and whatever, but I figured I could kill two birds with one stone", he says and then pauses.

She knows he's waiting for her to ask what it was that he figured, but she's not going to give in. She watches as he starts to tap his foot. Soon enough his entire leg shakes. Then he's rapping his fingers against her bare desk.

"Come on", he whines. Peyton chuckles and rolls her eyes.

"What did you figure?" she mocks as she stands. She grabs a few things from a shelf; demos she needs to go over. She flips through them and nods in satisfaction. These will keep her occupied on the plane.

"I'll come with you!" he cheers. Her demos fall to the floor and her head snaps to look at him. He's still sitting with a smile of anticipation on his face. He can't be serious. She takes a deep breath.

"Julian, I know you're worried about me, but this isn't exactly an answer to help", she admits softly. She loves that he cares for her, but him acting like a superhero isn't going to help. He can't save her.

She isn't sure anyone can anymore.

"I'm not worried", he counters. "Okay, so I am, but I'm not solely going to Tree Hill to protect you or whatever", he says with a scoff. "I'm going to scout locations and meet the other characters", she watches as his eyes light up.

"They're not characters", she argues with a laugh. "They're people and they're my friends", Julian waves his hand at her.

"Apples and oranges", he says breezily. "My point is that I can get a look at everything, other then the pictures I've seen from you, and get a feel for the town. Plus, I can use my charm to convince old squinty to do this thing", he mumbles.

She eyes him warily. She knows he's serious because one thing Julian Baker doesn't joke about is his work. It's the only time she ever sees the smart mouthed, demanding, borderline jackass, version of the guy everyone else knows so well.

"Ju –"

"Either way I'm going", he says with determination in his voice. "I just figured we could go together and keep sane on the flight", he looks at her and she feels herself caving.

"You'd make me even more on edge", she says with a scrunched nose. Julian takes a second to admire the adorable things she does before he shakes his head. This isn't the time for that. There'll never be a time for that. But he can't just turn it off.

"I would not. You know . . . I've always wanted to join the mile high club", he barely gets his sentence out before Peyton throws a cd at his head. She rolls her eyes and moves to sit on the edge of the desk, closer to him.

Anger. It probably shouldn't, but it makes him grin. She's angry because she's caving. He picks up the plastic case that nearly took out his eye and hands it to her. She takes it and toys with it in her hands. After a minute of silence she huffs.

"The flight leaves at 3."

_Go on cry about it  
Why don't you?  
Go on cry about it  
Why don't you?  
Go cry about it  
Why don't you?_

He's in his room, packing a small overnight bag for his upcoming weekend in New York. He hasn't talked to Julian since that call the other day, but Lucas is still pretty sure he wants to do this. It's going to be hard, he's sure and it'll take patience and energy, but he's also positive that it's going to be good to take his mind off of _everything_.

He slings his bag over his shoulder and freezes. He won't be able to forget anything. He walks down the stairs of his house and closes the front door behind him. He doesn't know what he was thinking when he started to agree to a film.

This entire book – or at least a third of it – is dedicated to his love for Peyton. The love that they always shared, even when he wasn't wise to it. He starts his car and pulls out of the driveway. He's suddenly so angry with himself that it scares him.

He doesn't believe that he thought this would be good for him. How will it be good to make a movie about the love he held for a girl who he doesn't even speak to anymore? He'll have to take part in the casting process and he's sure he'll have a say in the screenplay. It'll all be too much.

He reaches Nathan and Haley's house and he cuts the engine. He gets out of the car and grabs his bag from the trunk. He's leaving of the airport from their house since everyone will be here. He walks up the pathway with his thoughts still on the movie, but he quickly plasters a smile on his face when his godson answers the door.

"Uncle Luke!" the almost five year old yells. Lucas grins and scoops him into his arms. The only time Lucas truly smiles is when he's around the young ones. They don't need to know the pain and heartache he's gone through.

Does the rest of his family deserve to suffer for it?

Probably not, he muses, but he doesn't know if he can deal with it any other way. He looks down at the blue eyes that mirror his own and he smirks knowingly.

"Are you supposed to answer the door without your mom or dad?" Jamie scrunches his face as if he's contemplating an answer. There's only one answer and they both know this.

"Technically, I'm not supposed to answer for strangers", he bargains. "But you're not a stranger. You're Uncle Lucas!"

Lucas smiles. He adores his nephew and he appreciates the words he says, but he can't help but to think that he's wrong. Lucas is very much a stranger.

Most days, he barley recognizes himself.

"James Lucas Scott!"

Both their eyes widen at the voice that hits their ears. Haley is pissed. Probably beyond pissed and they can both easily tell so by the tone of her voice. Lucas puts James on his feet and the little boy stands frozen.

"You better run and hide", Lucas teases, but Jamie does just that. Haley enters the room as the closet door closes.

"Where is he?" she asks with that fire behind her eyes. She isn't actually angry at her son. She's angry with him. Most might not get that, but growing up with only his mother, Lucas does. Haley's angry that Jamie answered the door without an adult. Most likely without even asking if he could get it period.

"Haven't seen him", he says as he points to the closet. Haley lets out a breath of air and rolls her eyes. She puts her hands on her hips and raises her voice.

"Well that's too bad. I'm just putting lunch out and I figured he'd be hungry. Let me just lock this door and we can go outside", her heel clack against the hardwood floors. Just as she nears the closet, it swings open and a wide eyed Scott flies out.

"Don't lock me in there, mama!" he says in fright. Haley bites back her smile.

"Did you answer the door without telling anyone?"

When James hangs his head Lucas smirks. He walks into the kitchen and can't shake that pang he feels in his heart. He'll never get to know if Peyton would be the bad cop and he the good or if they'd switch off depending on who was the bad one the last time.

"Luke!" Lily yells as she runs over to him. He picks her up and holds her close. She buries her face into his shoulder and her long hair tickles his neck. She's his little princess and he's going to miss her when she leaves in a few days.

But, he's relieved that he won't be haunted with a permanent reminder that she's the only living Scott daughter.

They all eat lunch and laugh about the things Jamie and Lily do that still seem to surprise them. They talk briefly about the day Karen and his sister leave, but it's only in passing. Haley mentions something about one of her students that are giving her a hard time, Quentin Fields. Lucas knows the name and the story well. He's Nathan at sixteen.

They clean the table and after the dishes are done Lucas announces that he needs to leave. He hugs everyone and shakes hand whit his brother. Lily launches herself into his arms and kisses him sloppily.

"Don't forget to get me something", she says seriously and he looks at Brooke. The brunette shrugs. Sometimes he thinks they're spending too much time together.

He and his mother walk out to the car and they drive in silence for a minute before Karen clears her throat.

"I didn't hire her to purposely hurt you", she whispers. Lucas nods and pats her knee.

"I know and I'm sorry I freaked out", she takes her eyes off the road for a minute to look at her broken son. This isn't the life she wanted for him. This isn't the life she dreamed for him.

"Maybe it won't be so bad", she muses aloud. Lucas can't correct her. His mother may know the basics of what happened between him and the other blonde years ago, but she doesn't know it all.

She doesn't know the yelling. She doesn't know the days of silence. She has no idea that Peyton tried to kick him out first. She also doesn't know that he watched her walk away from it all. But he can't correct her because that would open the door for a whole new conversation. So instead he clears his throat and says;

"Maybe."

_My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room,  
In a burning room  
In a burning room  
_

She stands in the terminal and taps her foot. They've just landed in Tree Hill and she's already itching to leave. It's not that she doesn't love her hometown, because she does. Especially this time of year.

The trees are full and green. The flowers are all in bloom. Different birds chirp a beautiful melody. It's all gorgeous. But it's still Tree Hill.

She's left behind a lot of pain and suffering. She's left behind a pain filled and suffering person. As if on cue she sees a flash of that blonde hair. And it's like nothing's changed.

He's coming to pick her up from a long flight after she's been out of town. She runs up to him with a grin and when she's close enough, she jumps into his arms. Her legs lock around his waist and he holds her go close she can barely breathe; but she doesn't care. He tells her he's loved her and missed her and asks her to never leave him again. She tells him the same things and then promises to never leave his side. And then they kiss and it's flawless.

A hand gently presses into the small of her back and flinches Peyton from her daydream. She tilts her head and tries not to act disappointed when she see's Julian trying to guide her through the crowd. She knew it wasn't going to be Lucas.

"You ready?" he asks as they hit the warm sidewalk of North Carolina. She doesn't know what he's asking if she's ready for. She's not ready for any of it. She's not ready to run a label. She's not ready to make the big decisions. She's not ready to renovate.

She's not ready to see Lucas.

But she smiles and nods her head. "Ready as I can be", they hope into a cab and Julian spurts out the address of the hotel they're staying in for the time being. He chatters to himself about the sights and how quaint everything is. It apparently looks exactly like he imagined.

She hears him, but she doesn't respond to anything. She's not sure he's expecting a response. She's too focused on the world that flashes outside this cab. They pass streets and stores and other little things that leave her with memories she's tried to bury. It's all suddenly very real to her.

She's home.

And she's never been more terrified.

_Don't you think we oughta know by now?  
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?  
Don't you think we oughta know by now?  
Don't you think we oughta learn somehow?  
Don't you think we oughta, don't you think we oughta_

_Don't you think we oughta move along?_

_Cause my dear; we're slow dancing in a burning room  
_

* * *

Sorry I made you wait so long and there was no LP! Let me know what you think!


	10. Save a Place

**I own nothing, not even "Save A Place" by 1969.**

Alright, so I originally had a different song here. Literally, I planned this chapter around that song, but when I heard this on OTH and looked up the lyrics; I couldn't _not_ use it! Hopefully I made the right change.

Enjoy!

* * *

_When the cloud over your mind  
Finally breaks and rains to remind  
You of me covering you  
That's when the light comes crashing through  
_

He walks through the terminal with his bag on his shoulder and a smile on his face. Being away from Tree Hill and the memories did him a lot of good. He was able to get _some _sleep and he didn't drink; except for when he went out with Lindsey and her new boyfriend.

He lets out a yawn and runs a hand over his tired face. It was a whirlwind few days, but they were totally worth it. He got the green light from Lindsey and the other few people that were part of the publishing and now nothing stands in the way.

He tried to get in touch with that Julian guy a few times over the last few days, but all his efforts were futile. Lucas figures that he's a busy guy, but he sounded so eager when they spoke before he left, he assumed he'd answer at least one of the phone calls or he'd return one of the messages he's left.

Right now though, he wants to put work and this movie behind him and focus on his family. They deserve his attention and they deserve to see some smiles; some real smiles. Plus, his godson's birthday party is in a few days and he needs to store all the information he can on where he went and what he saw while in New York.

Jamie is already interested in traveling and the sights of other places. Meeting new people and learning new things truly interest him and he always had a million questions for Lucas when the older blonde came home from book tours. Sometimes, if they weren't too far from home, he got to take Jamie with him.

Which was a riot.

People would ask questions about who he was and where Nathan and Haley were. They wanted to know if it was really Jamie Scott or if Lucas was lying. They took pictures with him and would even let him scribble his name in their book. More often then not, the smiles and laughter were halted when Peyton was brought up.

It was even worse after _The Comet_ came out. Everyone was so sure it was about unrequited love and the longing for something to hold on to. Passion and yearning at its deepest part of the person's soul. It was about a scientist and a comet. It didn't start out that way, but after everything happened it quickly became that.

He figures he owes it to them to come home with some sort of good news. He knows it wasn't fair to take it all out on them and after some time away he can see that clearer. It's easier to take out your frustrations and pent up aggressions on the people that you love because you can believe that they'll always love you. And he knows that his family will always do just that.

He's already put them through a lot.

Thinking them makes him think of his mother and Lily. They're leaving soon; in a couple of days actually and he's dreading it. He hates goodbyes, but more then that, he feels like he pushed them away. He's been a rollercoaster of emotions and he's never heard anyone say they can blame him for it, but he's sure after all this time they're more then sick of it.

The yelling. The anger. The drinking.

Mostly the drinking.

He knows it isn't healthy and he knows it's a problem, but he doesn't exactly care. It's how he channels his feelings and his emotions; they all get put into a little box that he can toss to the side. After it's tossed to the side it's buried deep down. Eventually though, it all comes back to the surface.

And the cycle begins again.

Sometimes he thinks it would be easier if he could leave too. Just pack everything up and leave town, just like she did. Escape the world that's haunted him for so long. He feels that familiar sense of dread and that pit in his heart returns. It's sad that this is what Tree Hill has become, but it's his reality.

It's weird how a simple place can make someone feel so utterly depressed. Then again, this isn't just a place, this is Tree Hill and this is the place with all his history. His love with Peyton started and ended here.

It's also where his little girl is buried.

He fiercely shakes his head because there's no _way_ he can think about that right now. Its bad enough he thought he saw Peyton right before he left. He was across the terminal when he saw it. That unmistakable flash of blonde curls. He's pretty sure that no matter where he goes or what happens in his life that will always be the one thing that grabs his attention.

With his thoughts still on that curly blonde he wonders if she really is in Tree Hill yet. He knows she's coming home, but he has no idea when she'll be home. According to his imagination, she's been home for a few days already, but he doesn't think it's possible. His mother hasn't left and in his mind that means Peyton doesn't need to be here.

He's proud though. He can't remember if he's felt that for her since she left, but he is. He's so incredibly proud of what she's built and what she's become. She's a powerful woman out in LA and she's well known in New York.

She's got a billboard a few miles down from Brooke.

He steps out onto the sidewalk and smiles. Maybe he can enjoy the next few days here; maybe he can stay on his New York high and be free from his demons. He slides into the cab and places his bag beside him. He tells the driver his address with ease and then he watches as the scenery passes him by.

That pit in his heart grows a little bigger.

_So I'll keep away and save a place for you  
And I'll only make the same mistakes as you_

She's been lying low the last few days. Three days to be exact. She wanted to get her bearings and figure out just what it was that she was going to do and how she was going to handle everything, Jamie's birthday is in a few days and that's when she'll make her appearance. Right now Julian has strict orders to not leave the hotel room.

She has other obligations.

The second Peyton steps into TRIC she knows coming home was a bad idea. Everything still looks the same and it all feels the same. Even though it's the last thing she wants to feel, this is home.

This is what fueled her passion for music and her surety that it could change people's lives. She can still see herself, bright eyed and bushy tailed. She misses that Peyton.

She walks past the banister and flips her hair over her shoulder. When she does, she catches sight of the counter where she remembers sorting through CDs. She hates that this place is covered head to toe with Lucas.

_She was kind of sick and tired of talking about Jake, but Lucas didn't know that. He couldn't know that because she didn't let it be known. He was pining for Brooke – and not being subtle about it – and that she had Jake. And she loved him, she did, but something was missing . . ._

_Apparently he took the hint because then he said;_

"_Well, how about I distract you from something that sucks with, something that sucks?" he joked as he walked next to her. He rested his arms on the counter and looked at her. Peyton laughed and nodded her head._

"_And what's that?"_

"_Nathan's having some pretty serious money problems, so I was thinking that maybe if we got everybody together we could figure out a way to raise some cash", he said meekly. Peyton smiled; he had just a huge heart._

"_Cool, I'm in", she said without any hesitation. Lucas smiled._

"_Yeah?" she nodded and made a noise and he smirked. He started to walk away, but stopped before he got too far._

"_Oh by the way, remember right before Jake came back and you accused me of being a crappy friend?"_

_Peyton could feel herself blush. That wasn't exactly one of her best moments. "Yeah, look I'm really sorry –"_

"_No", he cut her off. "You were right. I don't _ever_ want that to happen again", their eyes locked and Peyton could feel herself falling into unavoidable hole._

"_So if you need anything I'm around, okay?"_

_She nodded and spoke, but her voice was clouded by the lump in her throat. "Okay. Thank you, Lucas", he nodded and rapped his hands against the wood before walking away. He stopped on the stairs and took one last look at her._

_She knew what was missing._

_Jake wasn't Lucas._

With her thoughts still on Lucas, she goes somewhere she never lets herself go anymore. The day she left Tree Hill. The day she left Lucas. She stops in her tracks as words she spoke and the body language she gave off run through her head.

It was definitely a movement clouded by heartache.

"Ms. Sawyer", her eyes snap open and she faces a sweet looking older woman. Peyton can remember seeing her picture on 'for sale' signs around Tree Hill when she was a little girl. This place really never changes.

"Yes, hi", she says politely and holds her hand out. "I was just reminiscing", she says meekly. The older woman smiles and nods her head.

"If you would just follow me", she says as she heads off past the bar and into a back room. Peyton glances at the stage in the front and remembers the time Lucas told her he'd never cut her out of his life. That was clearly a lie.

"So, where exactly am I supposed to set up a recording studio?" she asks as they continue to walk. They meet a giant steel door and Peyton frowns. Is the realtor secretly Lucas in disguise and now he's going to kill her and hide her body here?

"This is the room that you're interested in", she says in a kind voice and pulls on the large handle. Once it's opened Peyton's eyes widen. She doesn't know how she worked here for so long and never knew this room existed.

There are large windows and tons of space. She can already picture where her desk would go and what walls would house her album covers. She quickly shakes her head. She's making this sound permanent.

This isn't permanent.

"Wow", she breathes out. The light is bright and she can see the dust particles fly through the air. It's almost magical. Like she can be anything she wants. Or like she can do anything she wants. For a second she frowns.

Can she go back two and a half years?

"Yeah, it's a really lovely piece of property", the voice breaks her from her pathetic musings and she whirls around in shock.

She stands there like a deer in headlights as she stares at the older woman. Sure, they talk on the phone and pass along e-mails, but this is different. This makes it all real.

"Karen", she whispers. The brunette's eyes soften and her lips form a smirk that causes Peyton's heart to leap. It's so _goddman_ painful. She opens her arms and takes a step forward.

"Peyton Sawyer", she says in that motherly tone that Peyton's missed in her years away. There's nothing compared to hearing it in person. The blonde walks forward – speed walks really – and wraps her arms around Karen.

"It's so good to _see_ you", she whispers and runs her hand along the blondes hair. Peyton can feel the tears prick her eyes and she snaps her lids shut. She lets out a shuddering breath of air and says;

"I've missed you."

Karen holds her just a little closer and smiles. She pushes Peyton back to arms length and gives her a stern look. Everything she could ever want to need to say is etched into her eyes and it makes Peyton look down at the scuffed floors.

"I've missed you too", she whispers honestly. "Now, what do you think about the place?" she asks as she latches onto her arm and walks them around the generous space. Peyton lets out a breath of relief and nods her head.

"It's amazing, Karen. You don't mind me tearing it apart?" she teases. Karen shakes her head.

"As long as you promise to keep it running", she says with another pointed look. Peyton's smile falters and once again she looks to the floor. She knows the answer Karen is looking for. She can't give her any answers. So, Peyton doesn't say a word.

She doesn't want to start lying to Karen now.

_When you stop hitting the wall  
It's not the plaster that ruined this hall  
When all the blood all over your fingers is dried up  
The pain will still linger_

As he walks up the steps to Nathan and Haley's house Lucas smiles. He can already hear the children themed music and he can smell the barbeque cooking some delicious food. He's probably also smiling because his mother and his sister are following behind him.

He doesn't know what caused it, but something made Karen want to stay for the party. They're meeting Andy at the dock tonight after all the festivities. He can hear Lily talking excitedly about the party and her friends and the pretty pink dress she has on that Brooke made her – an early birthday present. He loves that his sister is so girly, but she's still a total Scott.

He walks into the house without knocking on the door and maneuvers past the other five year olds that fill the house. Lily runs off to find her cousin and friends and Karen hands him a tray of cupcakes and searches for Deb. Lucas heads to the kitchen.

He places his gifts on the long table that he passes on his way and lets out a breath of accomplishment. He holds the cupcakes easily now and steps foot into the tiled room. Nathan stands in the corner and watches with a smirk.

His best friend bustles around the kitchen like a madwoman. She mixes lemonade and puts cookies on a plate. She checks on the chicken fingers and mixes homemade honey mustard. Lucas watches as Nathan watches her.

"I don't need any help", she grumbles. Nathan snickers and Haley stops to glare at him. "Nathan", she whines and motions around her.

Her husband shrugs. "You said you didn't need any help", she throws the dishtowel at him and he laughs while catching it. When she turns her back on him he walks over and wraps his arms around her waist.

"Sorry Hales", he mumbles against her hair. "What do you need help with?" he asks sweetly.

Haley leans into him and lets out a breath. She shakes her head and pulls away from him. "Nothing", she grumbles playfully. "Go make sure the kids aren't destroying the house."

Nathan smirks; knowing that he's won and kisses her temple. "Try and enjoy this day. He's only gonna turn five once."

When Lucas hears this his mind automatically thinks about the child that never got to live. Today she'd be 2 years and 8 months old. She'd be babbling and walking and probably holding a basketball or a paintbrush.

Little Emma Grace.

"Luke, man I didn't even know you were here", Nathan's voice causes him to snap from his daydream and he's more then grateful. His brother pulls him in for a manly hug and Lucas laughs.

"I wouldn't miss this for the world. Mom and Lily are around here somewhere and these are cupcakes", he says as he places them on the table.

Haley makes a noise. "I told Karen not to make anything", she says in exasperation.

"Have you just met my mom?" Lucas teases. "So, I talked to Lindsey about doing the film", he cuts to the point. "She thinks it's a great idea."

"Lucas, that's great" Haley says and rushes over to hug him. Lucas hugs her back and looks over her shoulder to his half smiling brother. He furrows his brows.

"What's wrong?"

Nathan shakes his head. "Nothing, just . . . promise me no drinking today, okay?"

Lucas blinks in shock as Haley pulls away from him. That's pretty much the first time someone's told him not to do such a thing. Not like it was at the top of his list for the day anyway. He looks at the eyes that mirror his and opens his mouth.

"Nate I –"

"Luke, I don't want questions and I don't really want to discuss it now, but just promise me that you won't have the beer. I hid the liquor", he admits softly.

Haley stares between the two brothers and feels herself growing incredibly uncomfortable. She wasn't expecting this conversation to start today; she didn't really expect it to ever happen.

Denial is a powerful thing amongst the small group.

Lucas blinks a few more times before he feels himself nod. "Yeah sure, no problem", he says with a weak voice; mostly from embarrassment.

Nathan nods and folds his arms over his chest. He didn't want to say it, but it had to be done. Today is Jamie and Lily's day and he doesn't want anything to ruin that. And if that means he needs to call his brother out on his drinking then he will. It's probably about time anyway.

Haley coughs awkwardly and excuses herself from the room. Nathan hangs his head and pinches the bridge of his nose. Clearly, he didn't handle that well enough for Haley. Nathan looks back at his older brother and sees the look of anguish on the blondes face. This was so not the right day to bring up his drinking.

"Look, Luke –"

"You should head out there. Make sure the kids aren't destroying anything", he says with a soft smile. Nathan opens his mouth, but Lucas cuts him off again. "I'll start those dishes so that Haley doesn't blow a gasket", he walks right past the dark haired Scott and Nathan sighs as he walks out of the kitchen.

Lucas rolls up the sleeves of his blue button up and turns on the warm water. He wonders if this is always going to hurt. If he's always going to hurt the ones he loves. He lathers up a sponge and starts some of the dishes.

He's always liked washing dishes. It helps him to clear his head and gather his thoughts all at the same time. The window is open and he breathes in the warm summer air. He inhales deeply and freezes. He can smell it.

Lavender and vanilla.

It floods his body and burns his sinuses. He walks away from the kitchen sink and heads to the doorway where he stands in shock. Curls and legs. Green eyes and blonde hair. Sweet laughter and a southern twang.

Peyton Sawyer's home.

He watches as she lifts his sister into the air and spins them around wildly. Lily throws her head back and laughs thunderously. When Peyton stops moving Lily leans in close and the two of them share a personal whisper that he already aches to be let in on. He's still trying to wrap his head around the fact that she's within the same ten feet as him when he notices something else.

She's brought a boy with her.

_So I'll keep away and save a place for you  
And I'll only make the same mistakes as you_

Peyton puts Lily down and turns to pick up Jamie. He wraps his arms around her neck and fingers her blonde curls delicately. It almost makes Peyton cry because that's exactly what he did when he was younger.

"You're home", he whispers into her ear.

She's been dreading coming back here. It's given her anxiety and nausea and she's absolutely cringed when thinking of staying here. It's been the last thing she wanted to do. She wouldn't even dare to call it home.

But hearing it come from Jamie's mouth has never sounded sweeter.

"Yeah buddy", she whispers softly. "I'm home", he hugs her a little closer and places a wet kiss to her cheek.

"I've missed you", he whispers shortly after. Peyton nods her head in agreement.

"I've missed you too", she whispers. She kisses his head and then his cheek before promising him that he's going to love his present. Everyone watches the interaction Peyton has with the Scott children and they all feel a pang in their hearts.

She's feels it the most.

If God wasn't such a cruel individual her daughter would be here. She'd run around the house and squeal with laughter as Lucas picked her up into the air before resting her small body on his shoulders. Her curls would be wild and blue eyes would be piercing.

Little Emma Grace.

She puts the small Scott down and feels her arm pulled in a different direction. She doesn't have time to recognize the person that's doing it. A second later she's pulled into their arms for a bone-crushing hug. Peyton hand cups the back of her head and her short brown hair.

Brooke always was a good hugger.

"P. Sawyer", she whispers with her raspy voice. She runs her hand up and down her back in a comforting manner and Peyton smiles. Is it that obvious that she's nervous as Hell to be here?

She _is_ nervous. Her palms are sweaty and her thoughts are running at a million miles a minute. She feels like she could throw up at any minute and her care keys are securely tucked in the pocket of her dress in case she needs a fast getaway.

She just didn't think she was that transparent.

"I have missed your face B. Davis", Peyton says slowly and her southern accent pops out of her mouth. Julian watches it all with amazement in his eyes.

He's done his research in preparation of this event. He's watched Nathan's games and he's seen some of the old footage Peyton still has. He's listened to Haley's music and dug up some videos of her on tour. He's met Brooke a few times and she's exactly how he's always pictured her. Lily and Jamie he's gotten to know through pictures and e-mailed videos. Karen is someone he doesn't think he'll ever be able to figure out, all he knows is that she's pretty much the mother to all the people that currently huddle together.

But the only adult she's related to is Lucas.

With that, his eyes drift around the room and he spots a man that he knows is Lucas, standing in the doorway between the kitchen and this hall. He looks like he's about to kill someone or punch a wall. He definitely doesn't seem like the graceful man Peyton reminisces of.

Once Peyton and Brooke break apart and she greets everyone else, she tucks a curl behind her ear. She can feel his eyes on her. She has since she stepped foot into the hallway. His stare burns her skin and sears her heart. Finally, she turns to look at him.

It's a terrible idea.

He looks good; really damn good. He's wearing jeans and a blue button up that brings out his eyes. His hairs a little longer then the last time she saw him. He's got a day or two old scruff on his face which is something she's always loved and she aches to rub her cheek against his. But she stays where she is and drinks him in.

He does the same with her.

She looks gorgeous; excruciatingly gorgeous. She's wearing a white sundress that looks amazing against her tanned skin. Her hair is in tight curls and looks more blonde then that magazine cover depicted. Her makeup is perfect, minimally done, but done enough to bring out her eyes and pout her lips. Her legs are long and shiny and glorious; he wants to run his rough hand against her smooth flesh and watch the goosebumps that arise.

All he wants to do is hug her. Or touch her. He just needs to _feel_ her. But he can't.

And that hurts so _fucking_ much.

She takes a deep breath and he watches her chest rise and fall. He hasn't exactly been celibate over the years; there have been a few meaningless one night stands between the drinks at bars. But that one simple action – Peyton simply taking a breath – is almost enough to make him need some alone time in the bathroom.

He's broken from his daydreaming by the sound of heels against the hardwood floor. She's walking in his direction. She's already said hello to everyone that she's passing so he has no idea what she's doing now. And then it clicks.

She's walking over to him!

He feels the room being to spin and he can see everyone staring at him. It's awkward and he's uncomfortable and he doesn't know what he's supposed to do. Does he hug her and act normal or does he run? After a minute of debating, he does what he does best.

He escapes.

He turns on his heels and heads into the kitchen. He places his hands on his hips and takes painfully deep breaths. Just knowing she's in the same house is suffocating him. He needs to . . . he needs to get away. He needs to not be here.

Now he knows why Nathan made him promise not to drink.

_Scream until you smile  
But I'm the only one who hears_

Peyton jerks back as he retreats into the kitchen, but her movements only stop for a second. She shakes her head and smoothes out her dress before she walks right into that room. She follows his path and breathes in his smell. She's missed that scent.

Everyone watches as she disappears and they all hold their breath. This meeting could go a million different ways, but they hope it doesn't end in screaming. Julian watches it all with a confused expression. He knows it's got to be awkward for the two blondes, but he doesn't get why everyone is wide eyed and frozen in place.

Back inside the kitchen Peyton watches as he runs around the space and frantically opens and closes drawers. She doesn't know what he's looking for, but he really does look like a crazy person searching for their drugs.

If only she knew how right she was.

He knows there is beer in the fridge, but he doesn't need that right now. He needs something stronger, much, much stronger. The cabinets slam shut and he groans in aggravation. He pauses and faces the open window before he glances to the top of the refrigerator. He smirks in accomplishment.

Nice try Nathan.

The bottle of whiskey is too far back for him to reach with his hands. He grabs a large spoon that Haley uses when she makes soup and he stands on the tips of his feet. After a minute of maneuvering he can feel the ladle of the spoon catch the bottle; he inches it forward. He knows it's sick that his heart beats faster and his anticipation increases as that glass bottle nears the edge of the stainless steel icebox. But he doesn't care.

Peyton seems to think that this is the best opportunity to make her-self known. She takes a soft step forward and bites her lip. She fidgets with her fingers and takes a few deep breaths. She never would have thought this would be so hard. That's a lie; she totally knew this would be hard.

"Hi."

Her soft voice takes him off guard and he flinches from the shock of it all. His jerking action causes the glass bottle to fly forward and fall to the ground. It shatters and splatters the amber liquid everywhere. Peyton gasps from the shock and Lucas curses loudly.

"Shit!" he yells. "Shit, shit, shit!" he bends down, hoping to gather the glass when he cuts his finger. "Holy Shit!" he yells again.

Peyton rushes forward and crouches down across from him. She reaches up and grabs a dishtowel to sop up the liquid and starts to grab the shards of glass. Lucas's voice stops her.

"Be careful", he warns. "They're really _fucking_ sharp", he grumbles and cradles on hand in the other. Peyton looks at him and her eyes widen.

"Shit, Lucas", she ways softly and reaches for his hand over the puddle between them. She goes for his wrist instead and walks them both over to the kitchen table. He sits in the chair and throws his head back.

Her scent is even more intoxicating up close.

"I'm sorry", she mumbles. "I shouldn't have spooked you like that", she walks back over with another dishtowel and Lucas briefly wonders how she knows where all this stuff is. She wraps the towel around his hand and mumbles something about the pressure being good for it.

It brings him back to the school shooting. He took off his shirt and wrapped it around his leg to stop the profuse bleeding. He knows he's not bordering on death; at least not from bleeding. But it's nice to have someone care.

Maybe it's just nice to know that she cares.

"Don't worry about it", he says in an assuring tone as he thinks back to her earlier words. "I umm, I shouldn't have really been after that anyway", he whispers. It makes her furrow her brows, but she doesn't press him for anything. This is all too surreal.

She's sitting in the kitchen having a perfectly normal conversation with Lucas Scott. The same man that she has the most screwed up history with. The same man that knows her better then anyone. The same man that still owns her heart.

But she doubts he knows that.

"It seems fitting", he mumbles softly. Peyton meets his eyes and nods her head. It certainly does make sense that after nearly three years of silence they'd meet back and have some sort of disaster happen.

"I guess it does", she whispers sadly and bites her bottom lip. Lucas smiles, but it's incredibly hollow and she knows that. She wears that smile everyday of her life.

Together, but unknowingly, their minds drift to Emma. Would she have his goofy squint or Peyton's chickeny legs? Would her eyes be blue or green? Would she have curls or straight locks? None of it would matter, of course.

She'd be perfect to them.

Their eyes meet, but they both quickly look away. The pain they each hold is too obvious and they don't want the other to see them vulnerable. They may be able to hide it from friends and some family members. They can pretend all is well. They can laugh and joke and smile. But they're screaming deep inside. They're screaming to be freed and heard and left alone. And they can almost hear it pass between each other.

But they'll never say it aloud.

_When you wake up to the sound  
Of a thousand voices around  
Can you hear the rattle of words  
That only takes a heart to be heard_

* * *

Let me know what you think!


	11. You Could Be Happy

**I own nothing, not even "You Could Be Happy" by Snow Patrol.**

First of all, I went back and forth between two songs for this chapter. This song and another by Kelly Clarkson. I love the Kelly Clarkson song so I'm pretty sure I'm going to use it for either a later chapter or a one-shot. Second of all, I love Snow Patrol and I'm aware that I've used this song in another story and song repeating is my personal pet peeve, but it wasn't the entire song . . . that's my justification LOL.

So, this has taken a while and I never intended for that to happen, but life gets in the way. That and I've kind of lost my muse for this.

**Coconut16** and **RJMoonspell4**, this is really for you both because you were so adamant about an update. Hope I didn't disappoint . . . there's quite a bit of LP.

Enjoy!

* * *

_You could be happy and I won't know  
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go  
_

The moment between the two blondes is short lived. Haley and Nathan charge in and as soon as they see the broke glass Nathan lifts Lily from the ground and Haley puts her hands on Jamie's shoulders. Karen walks in behind them and her face distorts at the strong smell of whiskey. Her eyes fly to Lucas's.

Her blonde son looks down.

"Kids, stay out of the kitchen", she says warmly. She takes Lily from Nathan's arms and she grabs Jamie's hand. "Let Nathan clean this up, okay?" she says and looks at the two five year olds.

She leaves the doorway with both children in front of her and a scathing departing look for Lucas. He can feel his mood worsen and it's definitely not helping that Peyton's still sitting right next to him. Her smell is intoxicating and he's pretty sure he can survive on that alone. But that would mean he needs Peyton in his life.

And he doesn't.

That's what he's been telling himself for more then two years and it's what he'll continue to tell himself. He knows it's damaging and that's the reason behind all his deep-seeded issues, but she left him. People always left her; she knew how it felt. And yet, she still left him behind.

Nathan walks over to the mess on the floor while Haley turns on the overhead fan. As she makes her way over she notices the blood on Lucas's hand.

"Luke", her name leaves his mouth in the same manner it would as she scolded Jamie. The blonde looks between Haley and his bandaged limb and offers a weary smile; it's not reciprocated. "I'll get the first aid kit", she whispers.

"Good going, bro", Nathan mumbles when his wife's gone. He takes a dishtowel out of the drawer and gathers up the glass. "You can't pull it together for _one_ day?" he asks seriously.

Peyton raises her brows as she watches Nathan. He doesn't lift his head once as he scolds his brother and cleans the mess. And what does he mean by _pull it together_? Something is definitely not right.

"Nate, I snuck up on him. It's my fault", she says softly. The dark haired Scott shakes his head and stands from his crouching position. He throws the dishtowel in the trashcan with force and it makes Peyton flinch.

"No", he says forcefully. "This is all on him", the look Nathan gives her lets her know she should back down, but she's Peyton Sawyer. When did she ever back down from a fight, especially with Nathan?

She stands from the chair she's occupied and begins to walk over to Nathan. Lucas shakes his head and stands also. This isn't going to end well. Luckily, at least in some context, Julian chooses that moment to make an appearance.

"Peyton, they have a moon bounce!" he announces with wide eyes and a smile. Peyton smiles back and shakes her head. "Oh, come on, you gotta come", he whines.

"There's too much –"

"Go", Nathan says. "Have fun. Just watch out for that kid Chuck; he goes for the knees", he tells her as if she's going into a battle. Julian smirks while Lucas squints at him.

From his corner of the kitchen he can make out certain features of the new man. This guy is probably an inch or two taller. His head is shaved and he's wearing a smirk that's a lot like his own. They've got the same eyes and build and if Lucas didn't know any better he'd think this was his replacement.

And that notion hurts him.

"See, come on!" Julian begs some more. He even stomps his sock covered foot against the tile of the kitchen. Peyton laughs and shakes her head and after one more encouraging look from Nathan. She's walking out of the room.

Without so much as a second glance at Lucas.

When she leaves the room goes silent and Lucas feels uncomfortable. He feels like a child that got caught with his hand in the cookie and that's embarrassing. Except in this case, he's a twenty three year old man and the cookie jar was a bottle of whiskey; that's even more embarrassing. If it wasn't known before, it's obvious now.

He's got a drinking problem.

Lucas let's out a little breath of air and starts to speak, but Nathan cuts beats him to it. "Don't Luke", he warns through gritted teeth.

The older blonde looks out the window and back at his brother. "Really Nate, I –"

"Lucas, not now, okay?" he says and blue finally meets blue. "It's Jamie and Lily's birthday and I asked you to do one thing! And you couldn't do it!" he roars. "Not even on their birthday!"

"Look, I know, okay? I'm a terrible brother and a horrible godfather, but it's Pe –"

"Peyton", Nathan spits at him. "Yeah, I know", his words are mumbled and it's obvious he's not interested in that answer any more. He finds the mop and tosses some cleaner on the floor.

When Haley walks in she notices the stances that both Scotts have and she's sure something happened that she'll be clued in on later. For now her priority is Lucas.

"Come here", she says softly and sits at the table. Lucas heaves a great sigh and it causes Nathan to slam the mop onto the floor.

"Yeah, I'm sure this is such an inconvenience to you!"

"Nathan", Haley says loudly. He looks at her and clenches his jaw. He understands that his wife wants to keep things calm for the sake of the party, but he doesn't think he'll be able to.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Lucas says desperately. Nathan nods and throws him a fake smile.

"It's all forgotten", he says with a flip of his hand. Lucas knows that his brother is lying and he also knows that Nathan isn't just talking about today, the last nearly three years are things that need to be apologized for.

"Let me see your hand", the petite brunette says and she pulls his bandaged hand from his body. She makes a face at the blood that's soaked through and Lucas frowns.

"It's really not that bad", he mumbles. Haley unwraps the cloth and lays his hand flat with his palm up.

She puts the disinfectant on and Lucas winces; Haley meets her husband's eyes. Together they share a look that can only be passed between married people. Everything they need is passed along in the invisible connection that's taking place and even though Lucas isn't a part of it, he knows he's the main subject.

"It looks worse then it is", he says with an obvious double meaning. Haley lets out a humorless laugh and Nathan leaves the two of them alone.

"I somehow doubt that", she mumbles.

Lucas winces again, but the disinfectant is nowhere near him.

_And all the things that I wished I had not said  
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head  
_

"Okay, okay", Peyton says with a breathless laugh. "That's enough bouncing for me", she says seriously and starts to leave the blown up contraption.

"Awe, come on!" Jamie pouts. "Just a little longer?" he pleads with those blue eyes that get her every time. She almost caves, but then a kid – she's pretty sure it's Chuck – crashes into her and Peyton's reached her limit.

"I need a rest, kiddo. I'm too old for all this activity", Jamie looks at her seriously and when he squints his eyes in the familiar fashion she was once so accustomed to her breath catches in her throat.

"You're not old", he says honestly.

"You're too kind", she mumbles and playfully pinches his cheeks. Jamie smiles and pushes her away before turning to look at Julian.

"Will you stay?" he pleads. Julian smiles at the five year old before setting his eyes on Peyton. It's his silent way of asking if she'll be okay on her own for a while. He knows she grew up around these people, but he's more then positive that the Peyton from high school is different than the Peyton now.

"Sure he will", she says with a grin. She winks at Julian and ruffles Jamie's hair before hopping out of the moon bounce.

"Peyton, wait up!" a small voice calls out to her. The blonde turns and smiles as Lily runs at her. "Can I hang out with you?" she asks timidly. Peyton lifts her into her arms and holds her close.

"You don't want to play with you friends?" she asks softly. Lily shakes her head and Peyton shrugs. "Well, if you're sure."

"I'm sure", Lily says with a smile. "I see my friends all the time . . . I never get to see you", naturally Lily doesn't mean to break Peyton's heart, but that's exactly what happens.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that Lily-pad", she whispers. The small brunette shrugs and puts her little hand on her cheek.

"It's okay, you're here now", Peyton laughs and leans forward to nuzzle their noses. When Lily giggles, Peyton can feel her heart flutter and ache all at the same time.

Would Emma have the same giggle?

Peyton shakes her head and puts that thought behind her. "You're right, I am here. What should we do?"

Peyton holds Lily in her arms against her stomach. The five year old unwraps her arms from around her neck and taps her nose with her finger. She tells Peyton that she wants to get some cookies and then they can figure it out from there. Peyton laughs and together they head into the kitchen.

Lucas watches the whole thing from the sidelines.

Brooke's done her best to sit by and let nature or fate or whatever run its course and do what it felt was necessary, but with the two of them in the same area she just cannot let that happen.

"Hey Broody", she says softly. Lucas looks at her and smiles softly as he takes a sip of water from the plastic bottle. "How's it going?"

"Been better", he mutters. Brooke follows his gaze and frowns when Julian leaves the moon bounce with Jamie at his side. She can hear Lucas grumble and it makes her close her eyes.

"So, how's your hand?" she asks and then bites her bottom lip. That probably wasn't the best thing to ask. "I mean –"

"The hand is fine. My self respect is kind of low though", he whispers painfully. Brooke reaches forward and places her hand on his shoulder. "I wasn't expecting this day to be such a disaster", he mumbles.

"Well it's not over yet", she points out.

"Oh, so I've got something to look forward too", he says sarcastically. Brooke chuckles and Lucas does too. He thinks it's the first time all day that he's actually laughed. "I'm sorry, Brooke. I'm not the best company right now", he admits.

Brooke looks at him with a pensive stare and says; "You're your own best company, Lucas. Believe that", she remembers Peyton telling her that years ago when Brooke was sure that she needed a boy to define who she was.

It took a few more years, but she learned that that wasn't the case.

Lucas raises his brows in subtle surprise at the insightful words of his brunette friend. Brooke scoffs.

"Don't look so shocked. I have my moments", she teases. Lucas laughs again and silently thanks her for always being there. He knows that she's Peyton's best friend first and everyone else's friend second . . . it means a lot that she's willing to help him out.

"How's the café coming?" he asks, but before he gets an answer a five year old is throwing themselves at him.

"Uncle Lucas!" Jamie yells and throws his hands in the air. Lucas' eyes widen and his mouth drops animatedly.

"How much sugar have you had?" he asks teasingly. Jamie laughs like any delirious five year old would and shrugs his shoulders. "What's going on, kiddo?"

Jamie scrunches his nose adorably. "Peyton calls me kiddo", he says as a mere observation and to anyone else that's all it would be, but to Lucas it's so much more.

He wonders if he and Peyton would have called Emma by the same playful names. Would they have had their own personal names for her? Would Peyton have a pet name for him?

That thought leads him to the days when they were together and happy and happily together. They had pet names and lingering stares and he knew that when Peyton bit her lip she was thinking things she shouldn't be thinking.

But those memories are gone and all he remembers are the last few weeks of their relationship.

The yelling and the name calling and then finally the walking out. Of course he wishes he'd done things differently. Would it have mattered? He doesn't know, but it would have been better then him sitting back and watching her leave.

Their conversation – argument – from that day plays in his head like a movie. The packing and slamming of drawers. The yelling and the demands. The protests and the defiant attitudes. And then that final sound of the front door slamming shut; sealing both their fates forever.

He shakes his head and clears his thoughts just in time to see that guy Peyton brought approaching him. He looks down at his godson and smiles a little. "I need to use the bathroom, hang out with Brooke for a little, okay?" he asks and before either Jamie or Brooke can answer, he's handing the five year old off to the brunette.

He needs to get away from this guy.

_Is it too late to remind you how we were  
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur_

"Alright Lily-pad, go find your mom and ask if it's okay before you have any more cookies", Peyton says playfully. She puts the brunette on her feet and watches as she charges down the hall with the echo of _mommy_ bouncing off the walls.

She feels that constant pain in her chest grow – for just a minute. Her daughter would run around and scream for her. Actually, she'd probably be a total daddy's girl. With her blonde curls and blue eyes, Emma Grace.

Peyton shakes her head and rounds the corner to the kitchen. She stops in her tracks when she sees Nathan at the table with Haley beside him; having a deep conversation. Before she can leave without being noticed, Haley lifts her head and smiles gently.

She doesn't know what the married couple was talking about, but she's sure she has an idea. She also doesn't know what's transpired in this small town over the last two years, but she's also sure she has an idea. Things have seemingly snowballed and the avalanche is taking them all out in the process.

"Hey Peyton", she says in that motherly tone the blonde has always admired. Peyton raises her hand and offers a small wave to the married couple. "I like your outfit", she says with a smirk.

Peyton glances down at herself and chuckles. She slips the basketball shorts off and Haley stands to take them from her.

"I'll put these upstairs and then I want to get the coffee going for the adults", when Haley glances at Nathan he smiles. When she sends him a pointed look he stands and starts putting coffee in the pot. "Thanks honey", she says with a sweet smile.

Peyton snorts and when Haley leaves the room she slides up to Nathan. "Don't you dare tease me", he warns with a smirk.

She holds her hands up in a surrendering manner. "I wasn't going to do such a thing", she says; not at all convincingly. "Thanks for lending me a pair of your shorts", she says needlessly.

Nathan shrugs. "No big deal. I'm pretty sure Jamie and Julian would have flipped out if you didn't play in the moon bounce."

"And I'm pretty sure I would have given the kids a show they didn't need", Peyton says with a laugh.

"Yeah, but the dad's would have loved it", he mumbles. Peyton's mouth drops and she slaps his shoulder. Nathan ducks out the way and hops to the other side of the kitchen. "You sure your done bouncing?" he asks with a laugh still in his throat.

Peyton nods her head. "Definitely, that's like the workout of a lifetime", exasperatedly she sits in the chair at the kitchen table.

"Oh, that's not true", Nathan chides and turns to look at her. "I've worked out with you in LA. You're a beast on that treadmill."

_Because I'm trying to run from my life_, she thinks. But she doesn't say that, she doesn't say anything, she simply shrugs. Nathan looks down and pushes away from the counter.

"At least it doesn't smell like whiskey anymore", the curly blonde quips. Nathan laughs softly and shakes his head. If she only knew. "What was all that about, by the way?"

Nathan shakes his head and clears his throat. "It was just . . . that was an expensive bottle of liquor", he mumbles. He doesn't know why he's lying to her.

She doesn't know why he's lying to her. "Nathan . . ." she trails off when Haley flies into the room.

"Nate, is that coffee almost ready? I'm in desperate need of some caffeine", Nathan laughs and kisses her temple. Peyton watches as Haley blushes when Nathan whispers something into her ear.

"Guys, the adults are a little restless", Lucas announces as he enters the kitchen. He stops and looks at Peyton who's looking at him; they both look in opposite directions.

Haley grabs the coffee pot and Nathan takes the sugar and milk. "We're on it!" she yells teasingly. "Oh shoot, could you grab some mugs, please", Haley asks when she's halfway out of the room.

Lucas and Peyton both walk to open cabinets and reach for some mugs. Neither knows whom Haley was talking to, but they both figure if they work together, they can get more mugs out and Haley would be happy. When they start for the same mug and their hands touch, they feel it.

That ever present spark.

Peyton reels her hand back and Lucas flinches from the contact. It's been so long since he's felt that. The feeling of his blood flowing and his heart pounding and it's all because of a simple touch from Peyton. He's brought back to reality by the sound of something crashing.

"Shit", Peyton curses and then laughs at the giant shit show the day had been. She bends down and picks up of few of the pieces. "Haley is going to kill us if we break another thing", Lucas chuckles and nods his head.

"Seriously, I don't know what it is about us", he says and stops once he realizes his words. Peyton looks at him and feels her heart pound in her chest. She tucks a curl behind her ear and whispers;

"I guess it's always gonna be there."

His eyes close and he's taken back to that summer before their senior year. When his heart was so sure and then so conflicted, but then so sure again – of Peyton. His heart was always sure of Peyton. He wishes he could stay in that summer forever and fall asleep beside her and wake up with her sprawled out next him.

He looks at her now and they're both so far from the people that spent that summer together. He barely remembers the feeling he felt when he uttered those words to her. They're so far from being actual people that it kind of scares him. So he doesn't respond to her words.

He simply blinks and leaves the room.

_Most of what I remember makes me sure  
I should have stopped you from walking out the door_

The party starts to die down and the core group is left. Karen's been running around making lat minute phone calls and arrangements, but Lily stayed put and she's currently nestled in Peyton's lap. She and Julian are on the loveseat and Nathan and Haley are cleaning up the random things that never got taken care of. Brooke and Lucas are on the couch across from them and Jamie is asleep in Brooke's arms.

"Luke", she whispers. She stares at him and he doesn't move an inch. "Lucas", she whispers again. He glances at her quickly and then looks back at Peyton and Julian. Brooke rolls her eyes and lets out a breath of air.

"Could you take Jamie, my arms asleep", she whines softly. He gladly takes his nephew from her arms and the five year old barely moves as he's being transferred. "Thank you", Brooke whispers.

"No problem", he mumbles.

Brooke stares at the couple across from them also. They're involved in a conversation and it seems to be pretty intense because neither has looked away from each other in a few minutes. Lily's asleep in Peyton's arms and Julian has his arm draped casually across the back of the couch. They almost look like a couple.

And Brooke realizes why Lucas is boring holes into them.

"They're not together", she whispers. Lucas looks down at her and Brooke rolls his eyes. "You're about as transparent as a piece of glass", she quips.

Lucas shakes his head and ignores her.

"They work together from time to time, she helps him with the soundtrack for some movies", she says breezily. Lucas furrows his brows and tilts his head in her direction. The knot in his brow deepens once he feels Brooke tense beside him.

"Movies?" he whispers. "Does he _produce_ those movies?" Brooke bites the inside of her cheek in the way she always does when she's unsure about something. He can see one of her dimples pop out as a result and she listens as he lets out a gust of air.

"Luke, it's not –"

"Karen, do you mind if I put her upstairs", Peyton's voice cuts Brooke off. "My arms starting to fall asleep", she says meekly. The older woman smiles and glances at the clock behind them all.

"I should probably bring her home actually. We've got a busy day coming up", she says with a sad smile. She hugs Haley and Nathan and kisses the top of Brooke's head. She takes Lily from Peyton's arms and then pulls the blonde into a hug then she tells Peyton's friend – who Lucas is learning more and more about – that is was nice to meet him.

"I'll help you, mom", Lucas says and as he stands he hands Jamie off to Nathan. The blonde man takes Lily from his mothers' arms and Peyton smiles discreetly. She always loved to see him with Lily because he was always so careful.

As they walk outside Karen opens the car door for him and helps him settle Lily into her car seat – it's always something he's had a problem with. He carefully closes the car door and sighs as he stares at his mother.

"What?" he asks harshly. Karen gives him a warning look and he sticks his hands in his pockets. "What?" he asks, softer this time.

"I'm not going to lecture you", she starts, but stops once Lucas rolls his eyes. "You may be in your twenties, but I am still your mother, Lucas Scott. The only reason I'm not lecturing you is because I know Nathan has and will continue to do so."

"Ma, it's not like I was going to drink the whole bottle", he says flippantly. She raises her brows incredulously.

"It's not?" she folds her arms over her chest and Lucas places his hands on his hips. "Lucas, I know that seeing Peyton again is hard –"

"Everyone keeps saying that they know how hard this all is . . . how can you possibly know?"

Karen reaches forward and grabs his hand. "I know because some days when I look at your sister, I have to catch my breath", she whispers.

He immediately closes his eyes. "Mom, I'm sorry. I didn't –"

"I know", she whispers. "But just realize that there are people who understand. It's in different ways and it may not always seem like it, but we understand", she squeezes his hand and lets it fall to his side.

"It's just so hard to be around her", his voice is raw and filled with the emotion that he doesn't want to show. "It's even harder to be around her and not be with her", he reveals.

"Oh my boy", she whispers fondly. When Lucas rolls his eyes at her term of endearment Karen chuckles. "You'll always be _my boy_", she says the same way she has so many times before.

"I should probably head back inside", he says mutedly and nods in the direction of the large house. Karen nods and pulls him into a hug. "I'll see you off at the dock or airport or wherever Andy has you leaving from", he teases.

Karen pulls away from him and her eyes are sparkling with excitement and anticipation and love. Lucas misses that feeling and the way his eyes lit up at the mention of the one he loved. He misses being able to trust someone completely and being able to depend on them for anything he may need.

Maybe he just misses having Peyton.

"Lucas!" she calls out once he starts to walk away. He stops and looks at her with a questioning glance. "Don't be cruel. Be the boy I raised", she tells him seriously.

He walks into the house to find the living room empty except for Peyton who's currently trying to balance a silver platter and a stack of plates in her arms. He watches for a moment as she struggles and then curses softly and stomps her foot.

"Let me help", he offers. Peyton spins around at the sound of his voice and from shock she almost drops everything. Lucas swoops in and effortlessly takes some of the items.

Peyton frowns and rolls her eyes. "I could have had it", she mumbles. He smirks and nods in a somewhat patronizing way.

"Because you're so graceful", he teases. Peyton's mouth drops, but she can't find anything to say. She's been a klutz since the day she was born; it's a miracle she was a cheerleader.

The moment between them is short lived because reality sets in. Their awkward feelings return and once they enter the kitchen with everyone else, they avoid each other at all costs. Lucas hates it. He hates that they've let themselves come to this point.

They never talked about the breakup before getting back together in Peyton's hospital room. They stopped talking about their feelings. It's their entire fault that everything crashed down around them. He quickly shakes his head; Peyton's only been in town a week, it's entirely too _soon_ for this revelation.

Or maybe it's entirely too _late_.

_You could be happy; I hope you are  
You made me happier than I'd been by far_

"Jamie! J. Luke, let's go!" Lucas yells as he walks up the stairs of TRIC. He hasn't been here since before his mom sold it and he hasn't even thought about stopping by since Peyton's started remodeling, but Haley asked him to do her a favor.

He doesn't get a response from his young nephew and when he walks further into the building he can feel the past catching up with him. In the far corner there's a couch where he hugged Peyton as she cried over Jake and offered her a chocolate bar; something he learned makes every girl a little happier.

He sticks his hands in his pockets and he daringly walks further into the flat. He passes the bar and from where he stands he cranes his neck to look into the office that Peyton's currently residing in. he can see some album posters on the wall and the shelves that are waiting to be filled.

"What are you doing here?" he jumps at the voice and turns around to find Peyton with a smirk on her lips and a cardboard box in her hands. "Sorry", she says with a soft laugh.

Lucas frowns because he can tell she isn't really sorry at all. She pushes the box further into her embrace with her lifted knee and Lucas – always the gentleman – takes it from her. Peyton smiles softly and bows her head as she walks past him.

"So, like I asked before, what are you doing here?" she asks once they enter the office. Lucas doesn't answer; instead he places the box on her couch and looks out into the hallway they just came from.

"Should I expect my nephew to be dragging in a box that's bigger then him?" he asks with a hint a playfulness in his voice. Peyton smiles, but then shakes her head.

"No, why would he?" she asks in confusion.

"Because Haley said . . ." he trails off when he realizes that this entire thing has been a set up. Peyton smirks at the thought of Haley always meddling in things, even when she promises she won't.

"I'm pretty sure Jamie is with Skills", she says confidently. Lucas nods and sticks his hands in his pockets and Peyton thinks that he still look adorable when he does that.

"So . . . this is awkward", he points out and Peyton laughs so hard she snorts. "I'll just . . . I'm gonna go", he mumbles and turns to leave.

"No!" Peyton's voice stops him. "I mean, you don't have to. Unless you want to, because then you totally can because there's nothing that says you need to stay here so I mean –"

"Peyton", he says her name and she stops rambling. A blush fills her cheeks and he smirks at the crimson shade. He loves that she rambles when she's nervous. He loves that he knows that she rambles when she's nervous.

And he kind of loves that he makes her nervous.

"Sorry", she says meekly.

He waves her off and walks around the large space. He has to admit that it looks pretty good. The walls still have the exposed brick and with Peyton's albums hanging on the wall, it all looks flawless.

"So, do you have any plans for the summer?" she asks and sits at her desk. Lucas shakes his head and sits in the chair across from her. Without really thinking, he blurts out;

"That guy you're with –"

"I'm not with him", she cuts him off. "And something tells me you already know who he is", she says softly.

"That's the guy who wants to make Raven's into a movie, huh?" he asks as he puts his elbow on the mahogany wood. She nods and smiles at him hesitantly.

"You're gonna do it, right? You have to do it, Lucas", she encourages. Lucas shrugs and her mouth drops.

"It'll be a lot of work", he mumbles. The truth is, he doesn't want to work with a guy who is so closely related to Peyton. It may seem childish, but he just doesn't feel comfortable with it.

"You've never strayed from a little work before", he meets her eyes and his lips set in a straight line.

"Things change", he says simply. Peyton lets out a sigh at the awkward air that looms around them. She knows this is how things will be for a while – maybe forever – but she hates that it's that way.

Maybe she shouldn't be so eager to be his friend. Maybe she shouldn't be talking to him at all. It's just so hard not to talk to him and not to be his friend. But she'll never be his friend.

She'll always be his almost fiancée or the almost mother of his child.

There's always an _almost_.

"Look, I get that there's tension –"

"How's the artist hunt going", he cuts her off in a desperate attempt at avoiding their torrid past. She meets his eyes and he can see the mixture of emotions that swarm in those green orbs.

"It's good", she whispers with a hoarse voice. He takes in a deep breath and prepares to apologize, but it dies on his tongue. If he's going to apologize it shouldn't be for the cold front he's putting on now.

It should be for the last few years.

"It's actually been kind of frustrating", she admits. He meets her eyes and she proceeds to tell him about all the trials and tribulations. Most of the bands or individuals she meets with are hesitant to commit to her because she doesn't have anything completely done.

She mentions a few people; a young girl named Mia and someone by the name of Grace that seemed more interested then the others and he hopes that they agree to work with Peyton. She's totally dedicated to the people that put passion into their art and he knows she'd make an amazing album for each of them.

The entire time she talks, she smiles and her voice rises in excitement. It's enough to make Lucas smile and laugh as if they're old friends again.

"You look happy", he muses softly. Peyton meets his eyes and she nods timidly. In a movement that surprises them both, he places his hand over hers and squeezes gently. He opens his mouth and says something that he's never meant more in his entire life;

"I hope you are. You deserve it."

_Somehow everything I own smells of you  
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true  
_

She feels him before anything else. Well, not really him; his presence.

She's sitting on the beach in nothing but a tank top and khaki shorts. The beach has always been her refuge. It's calm and serene and the waves break along the shore in a wonderful rhythm. She hugs her knees to her chest and looks up at the stars.

You don't get stars like this in Los Angeles. It's always too bright, even when it's nighttime and the loudness that constantly surrounds you takes away from the beauty that quiet moments can hold. She's missed this more then she ever thought she would. More then she ever realized.

She can hear the sand crunch beneath his footsteps and she wishes she was anywhere but the beach. It's always been their place to go or to end up. Looks like some thing never do change.

He sits beside her without saying a word and she basks in the silence. She didn't know it, but this was exactly what she wanted. To sit on the beach with his solid figure beside her; it's probably one of the most comforting things she's felt in a long time.

"Fancy meeting you here", he mumbles softly. She can picture the smirk on his lips and when her eyes sneak a glance at him and she sees that smirk, she wants to cry. She doesn't know what he's doing or what any of this means, but she wants it to be normal.

"Imagine that", she whispers and hates that her voice is so rough. She's felt the tears in her eyes since he sat down beside her, but she really thought she'd be better that hiding them.

She still hasn't cried. She's been strong and she's held her own and that's just who she is now. Or, it's who she was. Now she wants to cry; the good kind of cry. Where you can't breathe and you can't see because you're eyes are so water filled.

And she wants to fall into his arms.

But she won't, she'd never let herself. They're not the same people – it's a known thing – and as a result, they're not the same connected souls. Too much has happened and too much time has passed.

"So . . . what brings you out here in the middle of the night?" he asks gently. He plays with the sand that surrounds him; choosing not to meet her eyes. He picks up a pile of sand and spreads his fingers so that they all fall through.

"I've just always loved the beach", she murmurs. He nods his head and looks up at the stars. "It's safe", she whispers so low that if he wasn't sitting beside her, he wouldn't have heard her.

"I know what you mean", he says softly. Peyton rests her head atop her bent knees and she looks at him in the darkness of the night.

"What are you doing out here?" the curiosity in her tone makes him smirk. He brushes his hands on his pants and then puts his arms behind him so that he can lean back.

"Just missing my mom and Lily", he admits sheepishly. Peyton smirks playfully, but inside her stomach is doing back flips. He's still so dedicated to his family and it makes her ache for the family she almost had with him.

She faces forward again simply because looking at him for extended periods of time makes her think of better days and then that leads to the worst of days and that's just not something she can do. She shivers when a breeze runs over her bare shoulders and in an instant, something's covering her.

"I'm gonna do the movie", Lucas muses. She takes the sweatshirt off her shoulders and without giving it a second thought, she slips her head through the grey material. She hadn't even noticed that he was wearing a sweatshirt when he sat down.

"That's really great, Lucas", she says with a smile.

She and Julian might be sharing a hotel room, but that doesn't mean they speak about everything they do. Plus, she knows Julian is still trying to wrap his head around this small town and everything it means – the relationship between the two blondes is at the top of that list.

He clears his throat and she closes her eyes. "I think I'm gonna go", he mumbles and starts to stand.

She lets him get five steps away before she's calling out to him. "I don't want it to be like this", she says in a loud, broken voice.

He stops in his tracks and shoves his hands in his pockets. He debates not even turning around, but her voice is too shattered and he doesn't want to add to that. But then he thinks about all the time that's passed and all the pain he's felt and he just can't handle his emotions.

"Like what?" he asks stupidly. He watches as she bows her head and then runs her hand through her hair.

"_Like this_", she says obviously. "All weird and awkward and . . . _forced_", she says boldly.

He turns around slightly at the same time she turns her head. Their eyes lock and they each see the brimming of unshed tears. It breaks Lucas' heart and makes Peyton want to pull him into a hug.

"I don't know how it _can't_ be", he says sadly.

She sighs loudly and stands – brushing her legs off in the process. He watches as she walks over to him and starts to take of the grey sweatshirt that was like his second skin in high school. He holds up his hand.

"You've got a long way to walk", he says softly. "Keep it", she looks surprised, but he couldn't take it back.

It's going to smell like her.

_  
Do the things that you always wanted to  
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do_

"So, have you been making any headway with Peyton?" Haley asks as she places a mug of coffee in front of him. He looks up at her and squints his eyes.

"There's not headway to make", he says flatly. Haley rolls her eyes and lets out a disbelieving noise. "Seriously Hales", he grumbles.

"Lucas", she scolds. "It's Peyton Sawyer. You used to talk about her like she was a God! This just can't stop because of –"

"Because she left, Haley", he says loudly. "She walked out our apartment door and never came back. We both had a lot to deal with and she felt like leaving was the better option", Haley casts her eyes down to the kitchen table.

She clearly wasn't thinking about everything in that context.

"I'm sorry", he mumbles after a few minutes of uneasy silence. "I didn't mean to take it out on you . . ."

Haley's hand covers his on the table and she squeezes softly. His eyes meet hers and she gives him the smile only a best friend could. That's all she does and he's grateful because he cannot handle the conversation that could have taken place.

He moves his hand from her and stands to put his mug in the sink. He runs some water in it so that it doesn't get a ring in the middle from the leftover coffee and then he turns to face her. She smiles knowingly and nods her head in the direction of the pantry.

"I put some homemade cookies in the jar", he cheers and seems to jog over to the maple wood doors. He takes the lid off the ceramic container and smiles bitter sweetly when he takes out a few chocolate chip cookies.

"Haley! Haley James Scott!" the voice yells – by now they all know its Peyton. "Where the heck are you?!"

The young mother chuckles lowly and shakes her head at the eagerness in her friend's voice. She turns to look at Lucas and notices the gentle smile he wears. She doesn't know when they'll – Lucas and Peyton – will finally talk about everything, but she knows that they can't last long in this town without it happening.

"There you are foxy", Peyton says playfully as she walks into the kitchen. She doesn't notice Lucas at first and so she tosses her purse onto the counter and slides into the seat he's just occupied.

"Guess what?" she asks with excitement shining in her green eyes. Haley laughs and shakes her head in confusion.

"What is going on?" she's excited too simply because this is the most personality she's seen in her friend in a long time. "What is it?" she asks impatiently.

"I signed someone!" she yells. Haley's mouth drops and she throws her hands onto the kitchen table. "I know!" she squeals.

"Get out", Haley gasps. Lucas closes the doors and stares at her with a profound sense of pride filling his senses. She's done it, she's really doing it!

"I know!" she yells again. Both girls stand and embrace each other. They squeal and jump around and squeal some more.

Between all the yelling and jumping, Lucas learns that the girls name is Mia and she incredibly quiet when it comes to her own talent. So she wants Haley to help her out. Her brunette friend shakes her head and waves her hands.

"There's no way", she mumbles. "I'm teaching and there's Jamie and Nathan has basketball . . ."

"Okay, but you're Haley James, you live for music", Peyton says with a grin. Her friend still doesn't seem interested, so Peyton continues. "Please do this for me", she begs.

"It might be fun, Hales", Lucas makes himself known and Peyton turns her head in shock to look at him. A blush rises to her cheeks at the show she's just put on, but he smiles at her fondly.

She sees a glimmer in his eyes that she thinks is pride, but that could be her imagination.

"Yeah Hales, it'll be so much fun!" Peyton says brightly. Her hands grip Haley's shoulders and she shakes her gently. "If you don't do this, I'll tell Brooke", she warns seriously.

"I'm in", she says quickly. Peyton laughs and pulls her in for another hug. She whispers a million thank yous and for every single one, Haley tells her she doesn't need to thank her at all.

"I have to call Nathan", she says and then quickly runs in search of the house phone. Lucas and Peyton are left alone, but she hopes there will be on blood shed.

He watches as Peyton tucks a piece of hair behind her ear and then rocks back and forth on her heels. He can tell she's excited, but that she's trying to hide it. He doesn't know if it should hurt him or not, but it does. She should want to jump around with him . . . but he knows that she really can't.

"Congratulations", he says softly, sincerely, and Peyton smiles. She looks to the floor before meeting his blue eyes.

"Thanks", she whispers and tucks some hair behind her other ear.

She seems genuinely happy and it looks really good on her – that sundress doesn't hurt the situation. Haley runs back into the room and they both sit at the table while they discuss Mia and her voice. He watches with a smile.

He always knew she was full of greatness.

_More than anything I want to see you, girl  
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world_

* * *

Let me know what you think!


	12. For Blue Skies

**I own nothing, just like I don't own "For Blue Skies" by Stray's Don't Sleep.**

Yes, an update for this story! I know it's been a while and I'm sorry for that. I've given you all my song and dance about being busy this summer and so I'm just going to promise to _try_ to update this more frequently.

Also, love, love, love this song!

Enjoy!

* * *

_It's been a long year  
Since we last spoke  
How's your halo?  
Just between you and I_

"So, tell me more about this Mia girl", Haley says as she unpacks another box. She smiles as she places a few frames on the desk and then she folds her arms over herself and waits for Peyton's answer.

"Well like I told you last week, she's quiet. She was in a band before this and the lead singer was kind of an asshole. She's just coming into her singing and writing and it's kind of hard for her. Which is why I wanted you to help her out", Peyton says with a smile.

Haley laughs and walks over to her. "I know, and I already told you I would", she says playfully and bumps her hip. Peyton laughs loudly and Haley stops to look at her. For the first time in a while Peyton seems genuinely happy.

Or she just got a lot better at faking it.

Haley opens another box and she takes the newspaper off of another frame. It's one of Peyton and Julian and it makes Haley furrow her brows. She turns around and Peyton looks up at her in confusion.

"Did you like living in LA?" Haley asks as she sits in one of the large chairs Peyton has near her desk. The blonde nods her head and sits on the floor Indian style. She tucks some hair behind her ear and tilts her head to the side.

"It's different, you know? People don't know you and they don't really want to take the time to. If you can't make them money or give them sex it's kind of pointless to have you in their life", she says of some of the people she's come across. Haley frowns and Peyton laughs.

"I know how it sounds, but it's about who you surround yourself with", she says softly. "And you talk about it like I don't live there anymore", she tosses a ball of newspaper at her brunette friend. Haley catches the ball and tosses it back.

Haley rolls her eyes, "Can we give up the charade?" she asks in exasperation. "Peyton, you're setting up a record label here and you'll love it too much to leave it to someone else –"

"Haley James", Peyton warns. The petite girl shakes her head and keeps talking. If Nathan and Brooke won't go to this point, she will.

"No, Peyton stop living out of a damn suitcase and sleeping on grimy hotel sheets –"

"It's a five star hotel!"

"And buy a freaking house!" Haley ignores the interjection. "This is home", she whispers. "It's where you had some of your best and worst moments, but that's what makes it home", Peyton looks at the hardwood floor because she cannot meet her friend's eyes.

"I know how you've felt about moving here, but Peyton come on. We're all attached to you at this point and Jamie would be devastated if you left", she says pointedly. Peyton's lips form a tight line and she squints her eyes.

"You know he's my weakness Haley", she mumbles. She lets out a breath and runs her hands through her hair. "If I promise to think about it, will you drop it?" she asks playfully.

Haley chuckles and nods her head, "For a little while at least."

Peyton rolls her eyes and Haley sends her a wink. She's realized that she's missed Tree Hill. Not so much the painful and haunting memories, but the people. _Her people_. Because that's who they are. They're her people; they know how to push her buttons and make her want to scream, but they also know how to comfort her in a way that she's sure her mother's are proud of.

Peyton stands and heads to another box while Haley sits there and watches her. She can't help it; her mind wanders back to that time that seems so long ago. When Peyton and Lucas were together and her blonde friend sported a baby bump.

"How are you?" she asks softly, before she can stop herself. Peyton stops what she's doing and completely knows that's a loaded question, but she doesn't want to answer it. She also knows that's not an option with Haley.

"Well, right now I'm kind of pissed because my friend told me she'd help me unpack", Peyton says with a smile. "All she's done is sat on her ass playing twenty questions", she tilts her head to the side and smiles again, but this time it's fake.

Haley stands from the chair and places her hands on her hips. "Well maybe that friend wouldn't have to play twenty questions if her other friend was honest about things", she mimics Peyton's fake smile and watches as the blonde throws her hands in the air.

"Jesus Haley", she mumbles and shakes her head. "What is this, pick on Peyton day?" she asks rhetorically. Haley shakes her head and takes a step closer to her longtime friend.

"No", she whispers. "Peyton, there is this whole part of you that I don't know, that _nobody_ knows –"

"You ever think it's because I don't like to talk about it!" she raises her voice and she realizes why she like being home. It's not because of the brawl and she her friend are about to have; it's because when she raises her voice Haley doesn't recoil like people in LA would. Haley stands a little straighter and looks a little tougher.

"I understand that, but –"

"Haley I don't think you do. I lost a child. I lost _my_ child", it's the first time – in practically three years – that she's said it aloud. She can feel her throat start to close and the onset of tears is really, really strong.

"I know Peyton, but what I think you forgot is that Lucas did too", she whispers and the tears are already trailing down her cheeks. "And then he lost the love of his life", she doesn't need to add that last part, but she does anyway.

Someone needs to make her realize that Lucas didn't stop loving her.

Peyton bites her bottom lip so hard that she bleeds. Her hands cover her face and she counts to five before pulling them away. She kind of feels a little angry now and her jaw clenches as she speaks;

"Haley, I know you're his best friend and I can appreciate that, but . . ." she trails off because she needs to gather her breaths so that she doesn't burst into tears.

"This has _nothing_ to do with that", she says, a little shocked and hurt that Peyton would assume that. "Peyton, who was the one who found you in that park after the funeral?" she asks softly.

Peyton meets her eyes and she can feel her heart stop beating. For so long she's put these memories and images behind her that she could almost pretend they didn't exist or that they never happened.

Now she can't . . . but she thinks that might be a good thing.

Haley coughs a little and then shakes her head. "All I'm saying is that I'm here. _We're all here_ and that won't change", she promises. Peyton nods and looks up at the ceiling.

"I bet I'm really convincing you to move back, huh?" Haley asks with a laugh. Peyton smiles and looks at her. She throws that newspaper ball at her and Haley lets out a yelp as she tries to catch it; Peyton laughs loudly.

And she doesn't know it, but she really has convinced Peyton to move back.

_You and me and the satellites  
I never believed you  
I only wanted to  
Before all of this  
What did I miss?  
Do you ever get homesick?_

They're at the Rivercourt, Nathan, Lucas, and Jamie and so far Jamie is kicking their butts. Lucas and Nathan share a smile and then both laugh when Jamie sinks a free throw; granted it's not from the foul line, but it's an accomplishment for a five year old.

"Hey dad!" Jamie shouts and Nathan and Lucas turn around. Nathan doesn't notice – or he pretends not to – and walks over to his son. Lucas wonders if there will ever be a moment when he doesn't feel like Emma is around him.

"What's up, Jimmy Jam?" he asks as he puts his hands on his hips and slows his breathing.

"I bet you I can make twenty free throws in a row", he smiles and holds the ball in front of him. Nathan raises his brows and tilts his head. The differences between his childhood and Jamie's are astounding, but that's' the way he wants it.

The second the game doesn't become fun, Jamie doesn't do it.

"No way", he waves the small brunette off and turns around. He can hear James yell that he's gonna make him eat his words and Nathan chuckles. He joins Lucas on the picnic bench and reaches for the bottle of water.

"He loves the game", Lucas comments with a smile. Nathan nods, he cannot disagree with that. "You know what's crazy?" he whispers and doesn't wait for Nathan to ask. "If things worked out differently, Emma would be running around with him right now."

Nathan sucks in a breath and holds it for a long while. He doesn't know what's sparked the sudden trip down reminiscent lane, but he certainly doesn't want to brush it off. Lucas doesn't talk about what happened. He either drinks or yells about it; maybe he's finally realized those aren't answers.

Or maybe it has something to do with Peyton being back in town.

"She'd be . . . close to three now?" he forms it as a question, but he almost knows the exact age she'd be.

"Two years and nine months", Lucas whispers. His elbows are resting on his bent knees and he's cupping his face. Nathan doesn't know what exactly he's staring at, but for once, he wants to be in his brother's head.

Little Emma Grace.

Lucas doesn't know if it's healthy that he still thinks so deeply of his daughter this long after her death, but he thinks it has to be semi-normal. People grieve over things for long periods of time all the time. He knows for a fact that his mother still thinks of Keith.

"What brought that on?" the younger Scott asks softly. Lucas lets out a noise that's mixed between a breath and a laugh and shakes his head.

"I don't know. I'm sorry; I shouldn't be so depressing right now –"

"It's not depressing", Nathan promises. "Talking about Emma doesn't have to be something that's disheartening. It's good to talk about it . . . kind of therapeutic", he muses as he watches Jamie shoot the free throws. He's been paying attention to Lucas, but he's also noticed that his son hasn't missed a shot yet.

Lucas furrows his brows and tilts his head to stare at his brother. "Dude, you are sounding more like Haley every day. It's a little creepy", he says with a laugh. Nathan chuckles too and shoves him playfully.

They don't get to say another word because they hear Jamie shout a name that's all too familiar and then run off into her arms. Lucas watches and it's like one of those slow motion movies – it's also terribly cliché – her hair blows into the summer wind and her shorts are ripped in the best ways.

She's gorgeous.

"Hey guys", Peyton whispers as she approaches the older Scotts; Jamie still in her arms. Nathan smiles and stands to kiss her cheek. He takes Jamie out of her arms and whispers that they're going to play a little one on one.

Peyton stands there and fidgets with her hands while Lucas looks at anything that isn't her; though that's kind of hard to do. She finally sits beside him and they both watch Nathan play with Jamie.

"He really loves this game", Peyton finds herself whispering. Lucas lets out a low laugh mostly because he said the same thing just ten minutes ago. Peyton looks over at him with the most beautiful smile he's ever seen and asks; "What?"

"He's a Scott", Lucas explains simply. Peyton rolls her eyes and leans back against the weather worn wood. "It's in our blood."

"I know, I know", she says playfully and they both laugh a little harder. Nathan looks over and smirks at how normal then can be when they let _themselves_ be normal. He wonders when they'll finally talk and admit that they still love each other.

It's obvious they do.

They both quiet down after that and Lucas feels his heart race. It's been so long since he's felt something other than a drunken stupor that he forgot what it feels like to have emotions. The more he thinks about that the more horrible it sounds. He doesn't like being that guy; he doesn't want to be that guy.

Maybe he'll make a change.

It's actually been a while since he drank. Jamie's birthday was two weeks ago and even then he only had two beers after he left. He thinks that maybe he can do it, be sober and still feel like he can live life. The wind blows again and he inhales that scent that was a staple in his life and he closes his eyes.

Peyton can hear the breath he takes in and lets out. She sneaks a peek at him from the corner of her eyes and instantly thinks it was a mistake. He looks good, but it's not the first time she's thought that. Now he's got scruff and his white t-shirt clings to him in all the best ways and she really shouldn't be thinking this.

"Hey Peyton?" he whispers suddenly. Peyton turns to look at him and wonders if he was reading her mind. She shakes her head, they can't do that anymore. "Did you ever miss it?"

She doesn't know if he's talking about him or Tree Hill.

"More than I ever admitted", she whispers.

He doesn't know if she's talking about him or Tree Hill.

_I can't get used to it  
I can't get used to it  
I'll never get used to it  
I'll never get used to it_

Nathan and Haley have a barbeque for the Fourth of July. All their friends are gathered and some of Jamie's friends from school. Nathan and Lucas are manning the grill and Skills is in the pool with Jamie. The girls are in the kitchen sipping daiquiris and laughing about nothing and everything.

"Brooke, I have definitely missed your drinks", Peyton says with a laugh. Brooke and Haley chuckle and they all toast to it. They girls take a chug of their drinks and they laugh as they stare at each other.

"Alright P. Sawyer, I've got a question . . ." Brooke starts and Peyton raises her brows in anticipation. "You never hooked up with Julian?"

Haley spits her drink back into the cup and looks at her brunette friend. "Brooke!" she admonishes.

"What? He's good looking, I was just asking", she says innocently. She smirks as she sips her drink and Peyton rolls her eyes. "So . . ."

"No I didn't", Peyton says with a laugh.

"So then it's okay if I do?" Brooke's smirk is devilish and it makes Peyton miss being here even more. She's missed her friends and the antics they get into. Haley's mouth drops and she yells Brooke's name again.

"What? I know there's a girl code, I was just making sure I didn't overstep any boundaries", she holds her hands up and re-crosses her legs.

"What about Owen?" Haley asks in confusion. Peyton raises her brows. She has yet to meet the man that Brooke was non-stop talking about months ago. Brooke's face turns pensive and she tucks a strand of hair behind her ears.

"Owen had a bit of a commitment issue", she whispers. Peyton and Haley share a look and the blonde is desperate to bring back the mood from before.

"Well it would be fine, Brooke", Peyton says with a laugh. "Although you'll be waiting a while", she comments. Julian recently had to fly back to LA; one of the other movies he was looking into is having problems and he needed to be there to take care of them.

"I feel like it'll be worth it", she whispers and then giggles at her own words. Peyton scrunches her face, but Haley laughs also.

"When did you become such a prude?" she asks playfully.

Peyton's face turns a little red and she shrugs her shoulders. "I'm not a prude, he's like one of my best friends", she says in defense of herself.

"Okay whatever", Brooke says with a wave of her hand. "I want hear some juicy hook-up stories. You've been back for weeks now and I have yet to hear anything!" she says in horror. Peyton downs the rest of her drink and rests her elbows on the countertop.

"I don't have any", she says simply. The girls look at her like she's got four heads and Peyton giggles. "I'm serious. When I went out there I wasn't exactly thinking of my next sexual partner."

Haley nods and sips her drink. "But still, it's been like three years . . . nothing?" she asks and holds her hands out.

"Nope, I actually think I might be a virgin again."

Lucas chokes as he walks into the room and hears those words from Peyton's mouth. Now all he can think about is Peyton and the things they used to do and the things he wants to do and . . . he needs to stop thinking these things.

"Wow, that's a lot of _Brooking_", the fashion icon whispers.

Peyton's face turns red and she buries her head in her hands. Her life is an embarrassment. Haley and Brooke chuckle loudly, but before they can say anything Nathan walks in with a plate of food.

"What's going on?" he asks as he sets the food down. Haley opens her mouth, but Peyton cuts her off.

"Nothing!" she yells quickly. Lucas smirks and looks to the ground while Haley and Brooke continue to giggle. He walks into the bathroom and tries to steady his breathing after seeing her. She hasn't slept with another man in years . . . that's pretty damn good information.

"Are you sure –?"

"Hey where is my favorite little man?" Peyton asks as she stands from the stool. Haley goes outside and calls everyone over to the table where the hot dogs and hamburgers are. Jamie runs into the house with a hot dog in his hand and ketchup on his lip.

"What's up Peyton?" he asks between bites of his food. Haley scolds him for his poor manners and he apologizes before looking back at his favorite blonde.

"I just remembered that I have a birthday present for you!" she whispers in excitement. Jamie's eyes light up and Haley furrows her brows.

"Peyton, you already got him something", she scolds her oldest friend. The blonde rolls her eyes and shrugs her shoulders.

"That wasn't the real present. I got us tickets to a Duke – Carolina game", Jamie's mouth drops and he looks at Peyton with wide eyes. "It's in two weeks", she says, but that's more for the adults in the room.

"Oh boy!" he says and then runs outside, no doubt to tell his friends. Nathan stares at Peyton and shakes his head.

"How did . . . when are . . . you're good, Sawyer", Nathan says at last. He smiles and shakes his head when Peyton nods and tells him that she knows.

"I'm even better because I've got three tickets", she adds. Nathan's eyes widen and he pops a French fry into his mouth.

"Sadly, I don't think I can make it. The team wants to have a mid-summer workout session or something . . . I don't know, but I do know that I'm out."

Peyton's shoulders slump and she looks to Haley who shakes her head. "Sorry, I've got to help Mia", Peyton frowns and looks to her best friend.

"Sorry I . . . I just don't want to", Brooke says honestly. Lucas walks back into the room just in time to have everyone stare at him and Peyton bite her bottom lip – she isn't trying to be seductive, but she never has to try.

"What did I miss?" he laughs and sticks his hands into his khaki shorts. He's wearing a dark blue button down and she wonders if Haley's yelled at him for not having on any red. Peyton knows that's not entirely true; he bent over earlier and she saw a strip of his boxers . . . red's always been her favorite color.

She quickly glances around the room and realizes that nobody is going to answer him. She takes a deep breath and hooks her thumbs into the belt loops of her shorts. "I got Jamie tickets to the Duke – Carolina game –"

"The charity game? The one they're doing to help out the point guard's family?" Lucas asks in shock. The others simply watch on. Peyton nods and Lucas lets out a whistle.

"That's so lucky! I was trying to get tickets to that for weeks", his voice is a mixture of jealousy and appreciation. Peyton groans internally and doesn't dare to meet anyone's eyes.

Lucas stares at her for the millionth time today. He just doesn't think he'll ever get tired or use to the fact that she's in Tree Hill. She's wearing a pair of white shorts and royal blue, empire waist shirt with a red bow on the back.

"Well, umm . . ." Peyton tucks her hair behind her ear and then runs her hand through it. "I have three tickets and Nathan can't go so if you're not doing anything in two weeks . . ." she mumbles.

Lucas' eyes widen and he looks at his brother and Haley; they don't meet his eyes. He needs some help with this answer. Of course he wants to say yes, but he doesn't know if he should. Them alone could lead to things that wouldn't be good for the group and he doesn't want to ruin things. He's really trying to be a better person.

"Uhh, yeah", he says and then clears his throat. "That sounds like it would be fun", he says casually and Peyton smiles softly. Nathan, Haley, and Brooke all share secret grins while their two blonde friends walk off to do their own things.

Baby steps . . . it's exactly what their friends need.

_I'm under that night  
I'm under those same stars  
We're in a red car  
You asleep at my side  
Going in and out of the headlights_

They get to Durham about an hour before the game and Jamie insists they walk about the small town. He takes Peyton's hand as they walk and Lucas sticks his hands in his pockets. The little boy says something that has the adults laughing loudly and an elderly couple on the street admires them.

"What a beautiful family", the white haired woman comments. Peyton looks down at Jamie and blushes while she shakes her head. Lucas swallows hard.

"We're not –"

"A family", Peyton finishes. The older woman unknowingly or knowingly gives them judgmental eyes and Lucas frowns.

"We're not even together . . . he's my brother's son", he doesn't know why he's giving them this drawn out explanation, but he can't seem to stop himself now. "We're friends . . ."

He lets his sentence trail off and he lets out a breath. He doesn't really know that they're friends . . . well really they're not. The husband of the older woman looks at his wife and cups her elbow gently in an attempt to get them moving again.

"That was awkward", Peyton whispers once they're alone again. Lucas chuckles and throws his head back. Peyton smiles and quickly glances at him. "Alright Baby James, how about we get some lunch?"

He cheers in agreement and the three of them head into a little diner that's just a few blocks down. They spend their time eating and laughing at Jamie's excitement. Lucas also spends a little time – okay a lot – looking at Peyton. She's decked out in Carolina blue and it makes his heart race. Everything she does makes his heart race and he doesn't know if he can keep feeling it.

It's great and different, but it was easier when he didn't feel anything. It was easier when he didn't dream at night and when he didn't want to be alone with Peyton. It was easier when he drank, but he knows he shouldn't go there again. At this point everyone's ready for him to drop the ball and send him to rehab and he can't really blame them.

He didn't realize that every day was going to be a battle.

It's a chillier summer day and when they leave the diner Peyton wraps her sweater around herself. Her jeans are tight and cling to her in all the right ways and she's wearing her classic converse sneakers. It amazes him that he went so long without seeing her every day.

He hands Jamie his Blue Devil sweatshirt and the five year old beams as he wears it around the town. Lucas gets picked on for daring to wear a Tar Heels sweatshirt and he simply rolls his eyes at the college kids that initiate the ribbing.

Even though it's a charity game, the building is packed. They have stands set up for donations and he smiles when Peyton makes a b-line for them. The mother of the starting point guard for Duke was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Between her treatments and the cost of Duke, his teammates rallied together and put together this whole event. It's actually pretty great.

"Okay, ready Baby James?" Peyton asks with a smile. Jamie grabs her hand and then he grabs Lucas' hand and the three of them walk to their seats. Lucas tries not to feel like they are the family they were mistaken for earlier.

Jamie spends the time yelling at the defense and telling the boys they need to pick it up. Peyton does pretty much the same thing, but for the Tar Heels. Lucas smile every time she gets worked up over the missed shot or a foul, he never really knew she was such a fan.

He mentions something at half-time and Peyton smirks. "What? Getting you to watch the game with me was harder then pulling teeth!" he says dramatically.

"It was not!" she argues. He shrugs his shoulders as if to say, _if you say so_, and Peyton laughs again. She thinks back to that night on the beach a few weeks ago. She hadn't wanted things between them to be awkward and she knows they won't be best friends anytime soon, but the fact that they aren't always so tense around each other is pretty great.

They both spend the rest of the game watching Jamie and his excited face anytime something happens to make the crowd go wild. He stands and cheers with the rest of the gym when the clock counts down the final ten seconds and when the buzzer sounds he jumps up and cheers for the Blue Devils' win.

"That was awesome!" he says in tired excitement as they leave. It's a bit crowded so he's holding on to Peyton's hand tightly. When he nearly trips and falls on his face Lucas scoops him into his arms and carries him the rest of the way to the car.

"I can walk, Uncle Lucas", he says sleepily. "I'm not a baby", his head is on Lucas' shoulder and his eyes are closed as he says these things. Peyton smiles and Lucas chuckles mutedly.

"I know buddy, but your mom will kill me if you get hurt", he says softly. Jamie doesn't respond because he's off in a dreamland. From beside them Peyton yawns and Lucas looks at her with raised brows.

"Too much excitement for you?" he teases. She rolls her eyes, but yawns again and they both laugh. "Guess it's a good thing I drove", he mutters.

Peyton originally wasn't going to let him, but Lucas insisted that because she had gotten the tickets and wouldn't let him pay her for his, he needed to do something. When he pulled up to Nathan and Haley's (she went there so he wouldn't know where her hotel was) she felt herself fall into another time.

They're driving back to Tree Hill with the radio on low and Jamie gently snoring in the back seat. He and Peyton have been quiet for a while and when he looks over at her again she's asleep and he can only smile. She never did well on road trips. He thinks it's amazing that she did so well on this car ride, especially after her accident all those years ago.

She lets out a little noise and turns to get more comfortable and he wishes he didn't want to always be with her while she slept.

_Could I have saved you?  
Would that've betrayed you?  
I wanna burn this film  
You alone with those pills  
What you couldn't do I will_

Peyton buys a house. It's right on the beach and has blue shutters and French doors. It's got four bedrooms and a wraparound porch. It's perfect for her. And she hyperventilated the entire time she signed on the dotted line.

She's standing in her living room – well what will become her living room – with her hands on her hips and a soft smile on her lips. She's moving home. She's _moved_ home. She's got a house and a record label and all of this is so permanent she doesn't think there will ever be a way to back out of it.

She doesn't really know if she wants to, though.

Things with Mia are going great and Haley's being a huge help with that. She and Brooke are spending more time together then they have in the last few years and she feels like she's got her best friend back again. Nathan's an amazing workout partner and she wouldn't trade that for the world. Jamie lights up her world whenever she sees him and she loves that feeling. And then there's Lucas.

There's always Lucas.

They aren't friends, but they aren't _not_ friends. She doesn't know if that makes any sense, but it's the best way she can think to describe them for the time being. They don't go out of their ways to contact each other, but they don't totally ignore one another if they're in the same room.

"Okay", Julian's voice causes her to spin around and bite her thumbnail. "What's this I hear about you buying a house?" he asks playfully.

She smiles brightly and runs full force into his arms. He laughs loudly as she squeals against his neck. It's not often Peyton gets this girly over things, but when she does; all he can do is go along with her.

"Isn't it perfect? You have to see the view from the bedroom", she says as and she starts pulling him in the direction of the wooden stairs.

He lets out a noise of appreciation and nods his head. "If the view involves you, I'll go anywhere", Peyton whirls around and scrunches her face in the most adorable way. The past few weeks have her really well and Julian's kind of glad.

He thought he would have kicked Lucas Scott's ass by now.

She swats his shoulder and he makes a face full of pain even though it didn't hurt at all and she takes his hand again as they walk up the stairs. He sets his messenger bag on the floor outside her room and when she opens the door he literally takes a breath.

She's got giant sliding glass doors that lead to a decent sized balcony. He can smell the ocean and hear the seagulls. The stars are bright and twinkle perfectly and this is all really amazing.

"Are you sure this is what you need?" he asks without thinking and Peyton looks at him. She joins him on the hardwood floor – her furniture's coming tomorrow – and nods her head.

"Yeah", she whispers. "I really think I need to stop running", her tone is hoarse and Julian just nods his head. She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "Tell me about this other movie", she demands and slaps his leg.

And they don't say another word about her past or her fears.

"No Nathan, not over there!" she yells as she watches him put down a plush, white chair. He huffs and looks at her before putting his hands on his hips.

"Where the Hell do you want this then?" he asks in frustration. He doesn't mind helping Peyton move, but he didn't know he'd be at the wrath of Brooke Davis.

"Closer to the window", she says as she waves her arms in that general area. Nathan shakes his head and Brooke puts her hands on her hips. "It's going to be her reading section", she explains simply.

Nathan scoffs and shakes his head. "She doesn't need a reading section Brooke, she's not Luc –" Nathan stops his sentence and both brunettes stare at each other. They have flashes of what a different future would be like. One where Peyton _would_ need a reading corner.

Brooke doesn't miss a beat for long. "Well then it'll be her listen to depressing music and draw creepy things corner", she says with a quirked brow. "Put the damn chair over here, Nate!"

From inside the kitchen Haley and Peyton laugh at the less than serious argument. Nathan and Brooke have been going at it all day and the two women are glad they've locked themselves away in this room. It hadn't started out that way, but Peyton wanted Haley's opinion on where to put certain things.

"So, I know it's a few weeks too late and I don't even know if it's necessary, but I'm sorry about that day in your office", Haley says softly. Peyton smiles and shakes her head.

"It's totally unnecessary, but thank you anyway. I think it was the push I needed", she says honestly. "Everyone around me either doesn't know about the accident or they walk on eggshells –"

"Julian doesn't know?" Haley asks in disbelief.

"He knows the basics . . . not the whole thing", she says and Haley meets her eyes with an understanding look that only mothers can carry. This is why Peyton loves being around her. Haley is a calm place in the middle of a storm.

And Peyton's in the middle of her own personal storm.

"Hey, where's Lucas?" Haley asks delicately. Peyton shrugs and looks away sheepishly. She may have forgotten to extend and invite.

"Hales", the blonde whispers. The married woman holds her hands up in surrender and moves to the cabinets. She puts the plates away and doesn't say a word as she does so; she still knows Peyton. And she knows the woman needs to explain herself.

"I just . . . I mean we're not exactly friends and I figured that if I did tell him it would be weird. But the weird thing is that it's not weird when we're together, well sometimes it is, but most of the time it's easy . . ."

"Should it be easy?" she asks. Haley starts to shake her head and insist that she can't really tell Peyton what to think or feel, but her friends green eyes are pleading and she caves.

"I think it makes sense", she admits. "You and Lucas want to bring out the best in each other, but sometimes you end bringing out the worst", Peyton looks at her and raises her brows.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that . . . Lucas had a really rough time after you left and I know I don't need to tell you that, but it was really dark for a while. Since you came back I haven't seen him touch a bottle of alcohol . . ."

Haley keeps talking about how the two blondes need to talk and get everything out in the open in order to even begin to really move on and she's right. Peyton's thought it all before and Brooke and Nathan have told her the same thing, but she's focused on something that Haley said before all that.

"He hasn't touched alcohol? Haley, what does that mean?" she's stopped unwrapping the newspaper from the coffee mugs and her attention is solely on Haley.

"It means that he's had a bit of a problem, he still probably does, but it hasn't reared its ugly head."

Peyton spends the rest of the day smiles and laughing and acting like she hasn't thought about Lucas' problems all day. Knowing that she's the one who basically determines if Lucas will start drinking again is too much for her to handle that night.

For the first time in weeks, she pops a few little pills before bed.

_I forgive you  
I'll forgive you  
I'll forgive you  
I forgive you_

"Brooke!" Lucas calls out as he walks into his mother's old café.

He doesn't get an answer and before he calls her name again, he looks around. The walls are a light shade of purple and the lights that hang above accent some of the things she already has hanging up.

He smiles at the mannequins and looks at some of the jewelry that he's sure will go on those plastic, sculpted dolls. It's surreal to think that after everything that's gone on and everything that they've experienced, they've all come back to the one place that they seemed dead set on never returning to.

"Brooke!" he calls out again. He turns around just in time to see Peyton pop her head around the back wall. He smiles softly and holds up his hand to wave.

"She got called into a last minute meeting in New York. She'll be back sometime tomorrow", Peyton explains softly. He nods and sticks his hands in his pockets as he strolls over to her.

"She's got you painting?" he asks with a laugh at the back of his throat. Peyton rolls her eyes and focuses on the paint around the moldings.

"She said that as her best friend and an artist, I owed it to her", Peyton says with furrowed brows. Lucas laughs and nods his head. That's definitely something Brooke would say.

"Well it looks good", he comments as he looks around. He notices the way Peyton blushes and he smirks. "You still can't take a compliment huh?"

Peyton's face turns even redder, but she doesn't answer him. Instead she says; "I didn't _really_ mind helping her anyway. She basically redecorated my house the other day. I sort of did owe her", she reasons.

Lucas rubs the back of his neck – a move that isn't lost on her – and takes a seat on the bench that's behind her. He can see the thin strip of flesh between her shirt and shorts and he has to stand up so that he can't see it anymore.

"I uhh – I heard about the house", he says softly. "Congratulations", he's sincere and it makes her smile.

"Thanks", she whispers as she focuses on the words she's writing. _Clothes over Bros_ is written in script around the store in little places. It's almost like a scavenger hunt. She puts the brush down and looks at Lucas.

"I would have told you, but –"

"Hey, it's not a big deal", he assures her.

She stands from the tarp and pushes her bangs from her eyes with the back of her forearm (it's the only body part with no paint on it). "I feel like it is . . . or like it should be", she says as she shakes her head.

Lucas lets out a breath. Peyton's been in town for a little over a month and they're venturing into a conversation they should have had years ago. He _still_ doesn't know if he's ready for this.

Honestly, the idea of it is making him want to drink.

"Things have been awkward, but it's not always bad. We spent a whole day together in Durham a few weeks ago", he tries to rationalize.

"No, I know. Maybe I'm just being irrational, but –"

They both take deep breaths and look at anything but each other. Peyton picks up her paintbrush and starts to paint a larger portion of the other wall. She doesn't know what she was trying to accomplish, but she kind of hates that she tried to do anything just now.

She knows that if she talked to him about it they'd yell and she would cry and she still cannot cry. If she starts, she'll never stop and she can't be that weak person. She's glad she has Mia and Brooke's store to focus on for now.

Lucas watches as she works and he sighs internally. He walks over and picks up another paint brush. He matches her strokes on the same wall and she looks over and gives him a ghost of a smile.

Baby steps.

_For blue, blue skies, for blue, blue skies  
For blue, blue skies, for blue, blue skies  
For blue, blue skies, for blue, blue skies__  
I'll forgive you, I'll forgive you  
I'll forgive you, I'll forgive you  
I'll forgive you, I'll forgive you_

* * *

I'm clearly trying to start to the forgiveness/redemption process. Let me know what you think!


	13. Gone Away

**I own nothing, not even "Gone Away", by SafetySuit.**

Not even going to comment on the length of time it's been since I last updated. Just know that I'm sorry! This really sets in things in motion for the rest of the story.

Seriously, this is an absolutely gorgeous song. I know I use songs in everything and I appreciate everyone who takes my tastes into consideration and for those of you who trust my musical influences you NEED to download this if you don't have it. Its one of those songs where the lyrics (my favorite part of music) have the power to just bring you to tears.

Enjoy!

* * *

_I think about life  
And oh how it changes so fast  
And oh how it's so hard to last here  
Waiting for something to give_

"Brooke Davis, you are kind of amazing."

His former girlfriend places her hand on her hip and kinks her brow; her stance totally asks if that was ever a doubt. Lucas chuckles and takes a sip from the bottle of water in his hand. It's the grand opening of her boutique in Tree Hill and it seems like the whole town is here (and that could very well be the case).

"Tell me something I don't know Lucas Scott", she teases. He laughs again, louder this time. Brooke punches his shoulder and when the bell above the door chimes (the music isn't all that loud) their eyes are directed to the people that are walking in.

And Lucas can feel his breath stop.

Her hair is down and in those famous curls, but the thing that really steals his attention is her dress. It's a color green that he's never seen her wear and it dips low between the valley of her breasts. The hemline is just before her knees and that leaves her always wonderful legs exposed to the world. (But he doesn't think it's ever going to be easy to see those scars).

It's also not so easy to see her walking in with Julian.

It's only been a week since he helped Peyton finish painting most of the store and since then he's spoken more with Julian and laid it all out on the line. They don't have to be friends, in fact they probably never will, but they can work together. Lucas wants the movie made more than he's wanted anything in a really long while.

And he believes Peyton and everyone else when they say that Julian isn't connected to her in any romantic way, but it's a little obvious that the man has feelings for her. He can't exactly blame Julian though. It's been years since Lucas has been with her and he's nowhere near being over her.

"Oh yay! My best friend brought my newest boy-toy", he can hear Brooke rasp. Lucas turns his head to look at her and she grins. "Well, I need to find a way to entertain him since he'll be in town so much", she says innocently.

Lucas smirks and rolls his eyes while Brooke shoves his shoulder in jest. They're both laughing when Peyton and Julian approach and when Lucas laughs as he makes eye contact with her, Peyton feels her heart flutter. But she'll never admit that.

"Hey guys", she says with a smile. "Brooke this is amazing!"

"I know right!"

Both girls squeal and embrace which leaves the two men to stand there awkwardly. They nod and Lucas sips his water while Julian scratches his ear. He notices that the girls start to walk off a little bit and he groans internally.

"I was thinking that we should have a meeting pretty soon, just to set things up and get everything in order . . ."

"Sounds good", Lucas agrees while nodding his head. Julian nods again and soon enough they're both standing in silence again. Lucas doesn't know how he's supposed to make an entire movie with a guy he can't make a conversation with.

"I'm gonna get a drink", Julian mumbles and brushes past the blonde. Lucas groans as his business partner walks past him. This movie is a fantastic opportunity for him and he doesn't want to make things too awkward because . . . well that just isn't enjoyable.

"Uhh, so Julian, I was thinking, I know that this is a collaboration, but I want to be more involved with it", Lucas says once he returns. Julian makes a face of interest and Lucas continues. "Well I know this story and these people better than anyone so what if I wrote the screenplay?"

Julian raises his brows. He had asked Peyton if she thought Lucas would be interested in writing the screenplay, but she didn't really know. Writing about Keith the first time was hard for him, having to write out the scene and imagine what was going through Dan's mind as well as Keith's. Julian's glad he didn't have to flat out ask Lucas himself.

"I think that would be really great", Julian says with that grin and offers Lucas his hand. Peyton and Brooke join them just as they shake hands.

"What did we miss?" the brunette asks with a smile. Julian looks at her and then to Peyton.

"Lucas here just decided to write out the screenplay for Ravens", he says in excitement. Brooke's eyes widen, but Peyton's the one to speak.

"Really? Wow", she says in quiet astonishment. Lucas meets her eyes and smiles softly. This is weird; finding each other again. It's almost like high school when he was the loner and she was the popular cheerleader. Except now there's way too much history between them.

"Julian, I want to talk to you about who should play me", Brooke says coyly. He lifts his head and grins at her while Peyton hides her chuckle. They are seriously like the same person. Her brunette best friend reaches forward and places her hand on Julian's arm.

"I guess that's something we need to discuss then", Julian says smoothly. Brooke nods and they both walk off (not before sending Peyton small smiles). Lucas smirks at Peyton and she bites her lip before they both burst into laughter.

"They're kind of the opposite sex equivalent of each other", he comments.

Peyton nods. "Trust me, I know", she says in exasperation. "The paint job looks pretty great, huh?" falling back into a conversation about neutral topics is easy by now. They're pros at avoiding issues and past memories.

"Yeah, I did a great job", he says seriously, but steals a glance at the curly blonde. Her mouth drops and she places her hand on her hips threateningly.

"Please! You stood in the same spot and pushed a pushed a roller up and down!"

He rolls his eyes like he doesn't believe her, but they both know she's right. He didn't move much from the two foot diameter he set up for himself. He kind of liked the view he had – that's a secret that will stay with him.

Peyton eyes the water bottle in his hand. Her mind flashes to what Haley said the day she moved in. as far as she knows Lucas hasn't touched alcohol since she's been home, but of course she can't know for sure. And if Lucas's drinking is as bad as Haley made it seem then there's no way any of them could really know. It's a reality that he could be hiding it from them all.

She places her small silk clutch under her arm and looks past him. "I'm gonna get a drink, do you need anything or are you sticking with the water?" she asks innocently enough.

Lucas shakes his hand while holding up the half empty bottle of water. "This is what I'm sticking with, but I'm alright for now", he assures her.

Peyton nods and walks past him, Lucas breathes in her scent. He's not too discreet in turning his head and watching her saunter off to the counter where the bartender is. He's still a guy and she's still Peyton, of course he's gonna look. Jamie runs up to her and Peyton laughs as she picks him up into her arms.

Lucas thinks tonight has the potential to be a really good night.

_I think about time  
A luxury so hard to find  
And I just can't figure out why I  
Wasted it all here without you_

He watches from afar as Peyton talks with Nathan's agent. He likes Clay; he thinks he's a good guy. Plus, he's been through his own share of heartache. His wife passed away suddenly a few years ago; an undetected aneurysm caused her to collapse to the floor and she was instantly gone. And he's always done right by Nathan, making sure he stays with the Bobcats and getting him the best deals possible.

But right now, he doesn't like the way he's looking at Peyton.

He knows Clay's been through a lot in the past few years and since his wife's death he's become a one-night stand kind of guy. It's not like Lucas is passing judgment because he was that guy up until a few weeks ago; he just doesn't want Peyton to be another notch on Clay's bedpost. And he doesn't want Clay to be Peyton's first time in three years.

He strides over to the counter with a purpose. Julian and Brooke are totally wrapped up in each other and Nathan and Haley already left for the night. That doesn't leave too many people for Peyton to walk home with. So he sends Clay a nod and then focuses all of his attention on the curly blonde before him.

"I think I'm gonna head home", he says while sneaking a glance at the man who's trying not to eavesdrop. Peyton nods (though she doesn't really know why Lucas is telling her this) and tilts her head to eye the man she's been talking to for most of the night. Clay seems pretty great and she doesn't think she's done getting to know him.

"Okay, well I think I'm going to stay", she says slowly, doubting that's the answer Lucas is looking for. "I'll see ya, goodnight", she reaches her hand and squeezes his forearm. Maybe that bit of courage comes from the three glasses of champagne she's had. The bubbly always goes to her head.

Lucas stands a little straighter and looks at Clay before looking back at Peyton, his Peyton. Without giving it a second thought his hands curl around her thin arms and pull her close to him. He knows Clay's wondering what the hell is going on and he's sure Brooke's eyes are burning a whole into his back, but he doesn't care. Because he just needs to tell her something.

"He's not good enough for you", he breathes out against the shell of her ear.

And then he loosens his grip and glides down her arms to hold her hands before letting them fall to her sides, then he walks out of the boutique. Once the fresh air hits his lungs he sucks it all in. It's like he's riding on the biggest high of his life, but no drugs or stimulants were involved. Just Peyton.

His moment of . . . whatever he's feeling is short lived because the door opens and Peyton steps out like a bat out of hell.

"Hey! Don't do that!" she yells from her place on the carpeted stairs. Lucas places his hands on his hips and furrows his brows. So much for tonight being a good night.

"Do what?"

"He's not good enough for you?" she reiterates his words from just moments before. Lucas bows his head because suddenly the high he was feeling is replaced with guilt (and he doesn't know why). "I don't want you saying things like that to me, Lucas! That's not fair to me!"

And in those short five words his guilt switches to anger.

"You know what wasn't fair to me?" he yells and doesn't wait for her to respond. "Being abandoned by you!"

Peyton blinks and takes a step back like he's just slapped her. He supposes verbally he has, but that's not his concern right now. Right now, he wants to tell her all those things he's held in for years and tiptoed around for weeks now.

"You left, Peyton! You decided that you couldn't handle this anymore and you just took off! I get that it was hard for you, but did you ever once consider how hard it was for me? I lost her too; I lost our baby too, Peyton! And then I lost you!"

He doesn't even know he's crying until the tears hit his shirt. He breaks the steady eye contact they had and once he does Peyton lifts her head and blinks her eyes; her tears will not fall. The tipsy feeling she had disappears and all that's left is a numbing feeling that she knows is going to turn into a killer headache.

"Lucas, I can't –"

"You can't talk about it?" he snidely assumes. "I don't care! Peyton, you got to leave! You got away from the pain and the memories and I live with them every day!"

She stomps down the steps and marches right over to him. Any sadness she felt dissipates and she really just wants to punch him in the face. How dare he make any type of accusations.

"So do I Lucas!" she screams. "Every time I close my eyes I relive those days!" she yells so loud that her voice feels raw and sore. "Don't you dare assume that I don't carry that weight around!"

"Then why'd you leave?" he question brokenly. The sight of him so broken and hurt kills her. And the fact that she did play a part (a vital part) in it kills her even more. "We could have gotten through it together . . ."

"I couldn't . . . I couldn't be around you", she whispers. "It hurt too much", her voice cracks and Lucas's jaw clenches. She can't stop them now. Big, hot tears roll down her cheeks and fall off her chin.

He's not thinking as he pulls her into his arms and kisses her tenderly. He just knows that he wants to and that seems like good enough reason to. Peyton melts into him, the feel of him. His strong arms and soft lips. She's missed him, she's missed this.

But she knows it's not right.

Because he's fucked up and she's fucked up and they can't be together because they'll just fuck each other up even more. She places her hands flat on his chest and pushes away from him. She's still crying and doing her very best to stop it. She's been stronger than this for years now; she doesn't understand why this needs to happen tonight.

"I knew we weren't mean to be", she says stronger than she thought she could. Lucas's eyes darken angrily and he gently shoves her as his hands let go of her arms. He doesn't want to physically hurt her, but he can't stand to be anywhere near her right now.

His jaw quivers, he can feel his eyes burning, and he hates it. He hates that he's just barred his soul and opened old wounds that didn't need to be opened. He hates what Peyton's said. And he hates her more than he's hated anyone (not counting Dan).

And he really hates how badly he wants a drink.

Lucas walks away and Peyton's left sobbing on the sidewalk.

_But I'll be fine  
Oh don't you worry  
Cause I'll be fine  
See I'm in a hurry to be_

"Peyton when did you accumulate this much crap?" Brooke asks as she furrows her brows at the sight of the boxes that have yet to be unpacked. Her blonde best friend has lived in this house for too long to still be living out of cardboard boxes. And Brooke won't stand for it any longer.

She's also trying to take Peyton's mind off of the disaster the other night turned into.

"I don't know Brooke; I lived on another coast for years! Ever think it's not crap, by the way?" Brooke raises her brows and makes a face as Peyton's voice filters in from the kitchen. No, this all seems to be pure crap.

"Whatever", she mumbles. "I'm hungry! When's lunch?"

Peyton rolls her eyes and walks into the living room. "It's grilled cheese, lunch can be ready in ten minutes", she says simply. Brooke nods and opens another box that's on her hardwood floors.

She takes a sip of her coffee and smiles as her best friend - the head of Clothes Over Bros – takes old items out of a box and dusts them off before placing them on the bookshelf. Brooke's dressed in sweats, her hair is in a messy bun, and it's Sunday (Sunday's are really the only day she has to herself). Peyton's appreciative, but she's not naïve.

Brooke and Julian are the ones who picked her up (literally) off the sidewalk and then had to carry her into her house. Thankfully neither of them have talked about it since then (Julian went back to LA the next morning), but nobody's talked about Lucas. It worries her and she knows it probably shouldn't, but she can't help it. She knows that Lucas has a drinking problem of some sort and she doesn't want to be the trigger.

Too bad that trigger was pulled long time ago.

"I'm gonna start fixing the bathroom", Brooke grabs the box labeled _bathroom junk!_ and heads down the hallway. Peyton sips her coffee some more and leans against the window frame to look out at her gorgeous view.

She's starts reflecting which is never any good, but can't help it. And the days that she finds she can't help doing that are the days she doesn't want to help it. This house should have a totally different feel to it and she should hear the pitter-patter of little feet followed by heavier footsteps that are purposefully slow in pace.

Suddenly her house feels too big. She doesn't need four bedrooms and living on the beach isn't that big of a deal . . . she bought a house she doesn't even need! Her eyes snap shut and she takes a deep breath. Right now Peyton needs to distract herself from her own thoughts. She realizes that she hasn't heard anything from Brooke in the last five minutes and with Brooke that's rarely a good thing.

"Hey B, this is the right thing to do . . . right?" she asks in a timid voice as she rounds the corner. She stops in her tracks when she spots Brooke at the bathroom sink with a small cosmetics bag in her hand.

Her brunette friend eyes her and lets out a breath. "Peyton, what is all of this?" she asks in reference to the bottles of pills that reside in the black zipper bag. Peyton shakes her head and speedily walks over to her.

"It's nothing Brooke", she mumbles as she grabs the bottle from her friends hand and then snatches the cosmetics bag. She turns on her heels and picks up the cardboard box before throwing all the items into it.

"Peyton it's not nothing . . . those are sleeping pills and anxiety and depression meds; they are _bottles_ of pills", she says firmly. There's a mixture of fear and anger in her voice and Peyton stops where she is; she closes her eyes.

"Leave it alone Brooke", she says through gritted teeth. Brooke places her hand on her hip and arches her eyebrow, fully ready for an argument.

"I will not _leave it alone_", she bites back. "Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer . . . what's going on", her voice is much softer this time. It's obvious she's concerned and Peyton can't really fault her for that (even if she wants to).

Peyton pinches the bridge of her nose and gathers her bearings before turning around. She tosses the box to the ground and kicks it into the guest bedroom. "They're not all full bottles", she starts to mumble, but Brooke will have none of that.

"I know, some of them are empty so that you can run off to the doctor whenever you want and tell him that it needs to be filled again. I work with models Peyton; I know how this shit works. Now tell me why!"

"I was prescribed the sleeping pills after the accident. After I lost the baby I was prescribed Xanax and Prozac", she whispers and Brooke swears she feels her heart stop beating. "I just . . . I was having nightmares about the car accident and the baby and I – I couldn't handle it so my doctor gave me the prescription, but it wasn't refillable. I haven't taken them in a while, but being here just makes it all so hard . . ."

Brooke's stance falls and she walks over to her best friend with a sad smile on her face. "Maybe you should try talking to someone", she offers carefully. "Like a specialist."

"I'm not crazy", she spits out with hard eyes.

"I know that! You're not crazy Peyton, you're –"

It might be obvious, what she's about to say, but Peyton's eyes are daring (or pleading, she can't tell) her to just come out and say it. Because pretty much everyone else has skirted around true feelings and deep dark emotions and quite frankly it's time to stop all the hiding.

"You're broken", her voice cracks and Peyton snaps her eyes shut. "Okay, you're nothing like the Peyton I used to know, but you're trying so hard to fit that mold and it just isn't working. You and Lucas are just so broken and it's so hard to watch", by now the tears are falling down her delicate cheeks.

"I don't want to talk about it", Peyton's voice waivers, but her stance is still strong. Brooke knows the old Peyton is in there somewhere, but she's held down by all the terrible shit she's gone through. "I can't talk about it . . ."

"You _need_ to; it's not healthy to lock it all up, P. Sawyer", Brooke whispers; her voice raspier than usual.

And then Peyton starts crying. It's a little whimper at first, but by the time she's wrapped in Brooke's arms and they're sitting on the floor of her new home that coincides with her attempt at a new life, she's sobbing and shaking and it's obvious she's doing more harm to herself then good.

"I . . . miss he – her", Peyton says between gasping breaths and loud coughs. Brooke doesn't know if her friend is talking about the old version of herself or if she's talking about Emma.

Either way, this feels something like a breakthrough.

_Gone away awhile  
Tell me all the things that I  
I'll be missing here in this old life  
Man cause I just don't know_

He's sitting alone in his house much like he has for the last few days. The lights are off and the television is on, but it's muted. There's a bottle of scotch on the table and a lowball glass is a third of the way filled with the amber liquid.

He's only left his house to get more liquor and hasn't bothered to answer the phone when people call. He doesn't really care about any of the feelings his friends may have because they haven't gone through half the things he has. And sure, that sounds selfish and a little childish, but it's the truth. In the last three years he's lost more than he ever thought he would.

And he doesn't want to fucking talk about it. He just wants to drink.

It's not healthy and not the smartest thing ever, but fuck it. He raises and drains the glass. By this point it doesn't even burn anymore; as if he's drinking a glass of water. Just as he's pouring another mouthful his front door opens and slams shut.

Nathan stands in the doorway of the living and stares at Lucas. His face is a mixture of disappointment and utter disgust. This man (he uses that word lightly) is supposed to be his older brother; the person he looks up to. Quite honestly there's nothing to admire in the least.

"If Peyton could see you now", he says as he folds his arms over his chest.

"Fuck off, Nathan."

"I'm serious . . . I bet she's kicking herself."

Lucas opens his mouth to spit out a snarky remark, but he's just too tired to. Plus, this whole thing is killing his buzz and that's not something he's trying to do. "How come you're here? Usually Haley comes by."

"I told her not to bother, you weren't worth it", this time Lucas makes a face as the liquid burns his throat. "But she told me that you were still her best friend and my brother."

Lucas smirks softly. "Good ole' Haley, always concerned about everyone."

"That's where you're wrong, Luke. The only person she ever really needs to worry so much about is you because you feel the need to act like a total dick", Nathan says with venom in his voice.

"Don't give me that crap. My life isn't of any –"

"Don't!" Nathan cuts him off and charges into the dark living room. "Don't you dare say that it doesn't concern us because it does Lucas, more then you know, but if you're gonna sit there and say that we don't care or that your life doesn't affect us then I don't know why I'm here at all."

Lucas listens as he turns on his feet and walks down the hall. He wants to let his baby brother walk out that door and not give a shit, but a part of him wants to keep talking and keep yelling and make sure that someone understands his point.

"You don't know what it's like!" he yells as he stands from the chair.

Nathan whirls around and seems to leap towards him. "How are any of us supposed to know? You don't talk to us Lucas! You look for answers in the bottom of a bottle and its gotta stop", he says desperately.

"I have nothing!" the older of the two yells, it actually causes Nathan to flinch. "I lost the only man I ever considered a father when I was eighteen, Peyton nearly died in a car accident, I lost my daughter, and then the love of my life walked out on me! I lose everything that means something to me and I can't do it anymore!"

"We're still here", Nathan shouts back. "You haven't lost everything, okay? Your mom and Lily are here, Haley and Jamie and me; we're all here Lucas!"

"And I can't lose you", Lucas whispers. It starts to make sense to Nathan now, the drinking, the distance he's kept . . . if he keeps everyone shut out then they can't get close enough for it to kill him if he ever loses them.

"Lucas, we're not going anywhere", Nathan promises softly. By now he knows that Lucas has heard that promise more than once in his life and he may not even want to consider him his brother at the moment, but when it comes down to it they're the only real family each other has.

"It shouldn't be like this, you know? It's got to stop sometime. First the HCM and then losing Keith and the baby and Peyton. It's not a reality", he says softly.

Nathan shakes his head and runs his hand through this hair. It's like Lucas will never learn. He isn't the only person in the world who's ever had something tragic to them; he can feel his anger about this entire situation rise.

"It's life Lucas! Do you think Haley and I wanted to have a baby at eighteen? Do you think Karen wanted to struggle to raise you on her own? Or have another child just as you were leaving for college?"

"That's not the same, Nate", Lucas yells.

"I know that, nothing about our lives is typical, Lucas. That's what makes this Tree Hill", he takes a breath and gives it all one more shot. "You know there is one person who knows exactly what you're going through and shutting her out isn't smart."

Lucas's jaw clenches and he walks turns his back on his brother. Nathan watches as he fills his glass with more scotch and downs it only to fill it again. The brunette scoffs and shakes his head.

"Fine; if this is your answer then there's nothing we can do for you. I told Haley this was pointless"

Nathan slams the front door behind him with a force that has the entire doorframe shaking. Lucas shakes his head and lets Nathan's words flow through his veins. He's officially a deadbeat; his own brother thinks he's a lost cause.

Lucas throws his empty glass at the wall and watches as it shatters; much like his life.

_I think about you  
And all of the times that we shared  
And oh what a wonderful pair we  
Made it so far here we go again_

Haley watches as Peyton walks around the studio. She's seated at the piano and has a birds-eye view of the mechanic state her friend is in. the blonde walks from her desk to the pool table to the recoding booth all without ever having a facial expression.

Haley knows about the incident with Brooke (the brunette called her hysterical crying at eight that night) and she's well aware of the argument that occurred between Nathan and Lucas the other day. The threads are starting to fray and pretty soon this delicate blanket that's coated her two blonde friends is going to shred to pieces.

And they just can't do it anymore. She's kept her eyes on Lucas for the better part of three years and she's done her best to be there for Peyton, even when she was so far away. But she always knew there was going to come a time where she just couldn't be the protector, the mother hen. She never really knew what was going to happen though.

Haley's pretty sure she's going to find out soon enough.

Lucas is lost in his world of alcohol and she's certainly going to deal with him, but right now she wants to talk to Peyton. She was the first person to get her to open up the slightest bit about LA and losing Emma so maybe she can get her to crack. The young mother shakes her head; that's a horrible way to put it and it's a horrible thing to want. But it's completely necessary.

Her phone buzzes next to her and she smiles when Nathan's picture pops up. She picks it up with one eye still on Peyton and quietly greets him. Before she can even get a word in Nathan is yelling. She doesn't understand much of what he's saying simply because he's _so_ mad, but she catches certain bits. Apparently Karen called the house because she hasn't been able to get in touch with Lucas. Nathan's so furious because he had to lie to her and tell her that Lucas hasn't been feeling too well lately, but he'll make sure his brother gets the message.

Haley pinches the bridge of her nose and closes her eyes tightly. Nathan's still yelling and she knows he just needs someone to yell at because he can't yell at Lucas anymore (it does no good) and he wouldn't scream at Peyton (he just wouldn't). So they end up snapping at each other over the smallest things and they both know they're not angry with the other, but at a certain point a person just has to say enough is enough.

Haley's finally reached that point.

"I gotta go babe, Mia's here", she whispers into the phone. Yes, she's lying, but she really needs to talk to Peyton. Just as she's thinking of what to say or how to act Peyton walks into the room and heaves a great sigh.

"I want to give you something", Haley says suddenly. Peyton raises her brows and moves closer to the piano. "I called around and I want you to take this number", she says sternly and slips a small, white slip of paper over to her friend.

"A number for what?" Peyton asks as she examines the name. There's a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that has her dreading what this name and number mean.

Haley takes a deep breath and rushes out, "It'sforatherapist."

Peyton shakes her head so fast it's as if it'll fly right off her neck. She tries to push the piece of paper back at Haley, "I don't need thi –"

"Stop it!" Haley yells out of frustration. "Stop telling everyone you're fine when you're not! If you were fine you wouldn't have broken down like you did at Brooke's boutique or the other day!"

Peyton blinks. She figured Brooke would tell Haley about the incident at her house, she just didn't expect Haley to throw it back in her face like this. She crumples the paper up and tosses atop the piano; it jumps and rolls closer to the petite brunette.

"Haley, let's just work on Mia's album", Peyton seems to warn. Haley stands and smooths out the crinkles so the name and number are legible.

"No Peyton! This isn't something I'm going to let you get away with not talking about. Now I know you don't like to discuss the car accident and losing Emma, but you have to. This whole time you've been bottling everything up and . . . Peyton you're starting to crack and honestly we aren't going to know what do to when you finally break."

The curly blonde looks at the floor and closes her eyes tightly. Mia's due in the studio in a half hour and this is most definitely not the conversation to be having right before you're only client arrives.

"I don't ever talk about things . . . I brood and I draw and I listen to angry music . . ."

"No, you did that when we were kids. I know it sucks to think about, but we're adults now. You need to start acting like one and that means owning up to things", Haley says without thinking.

"And what does that mean?" Peyton asks with a raised brow.

Haley regrets her words, but it's too late to take anything back now. "You left", she says simply.

Peyton rests her hands on the black piano and takes on the look of an angry bull. "How dare you", she hisses.

"You left", Haley says again. "And Lucas let you. And it all sucks because you were supposed to be together forever and have every dream you ever dreamt be complete with each other. I'm so sorry that you've been dealt such a shitty hand, but you can't keep doing this", she whispers helplessly.

Peyton frowns for all of a second (Haley never cusses); "What exactly am I doing?"

Haley says it flat out because it's the most obvious answer in the world; "Hiding."

"What am I supposed to do? Jump into his arms and tell him that I'm in love with him?" she asks rhetorically.

Haley smiles for the first time since entering Peyton's studio. "I knew you still love him", she says cheekily.

Peyton blushes before shaking her head and smiling sadly. "It doesn't matter Hales, he – he hates me. He has to . . ." she trails off.

"Lucas does _not_ hate you", she says with a gasp. "It's impossible for him to hate you. He's spent the last few years kicking himself over ever letting you leave. Peyton, he didn't want to work with Julian because he assumed you two were dating. Trust me . . . he loves you."

Their moment is cut off when Mia walks through the door. She jokingly asks who died because of the solemn looks on both women's faces. Haley puts on her stage smile (the one she used to use for her concerts, but now she uses to Jamie can't tell when she's upset) and tells the young girl that she's gonna be dead if she's not ready to push out some awesome recordings. The dark haired singer rolls her eyes and makes a comment about being born ready before walking in the direction of the recording booth.

Out of the corner of her eye Haley sees Peyton slip that little piece of paper into her back pocket.

And she feels like she can breathe a little easier.

_I think about love  
And oh what a beautiful song  
And oh how it needs to be sung here  
Sing it so loud all the world can hear  
I think I'll be_

He's sitting in TRIC with a glass of scotch in front of him. He wouldn't even be out of his house, but he ran out of alcohol and he's pretty sure Nathan paid off every liquor store in the area (he doubts that's legal) to refuse to sell him anything.

So here he is in the most obvious place in the world, trying to get drunk. It's not smart (nothing he's done lately is), but this is just the most ridiculous thing he's done lately. He's not worried though. This place is owned by his mother and since she's not here he's the unofficial owner; nobody can kick him out or refuse him.

He motions to the bartender, it used to be Owen and for a while it was Chase, but now it's some grungy looking guy who prides himself on knowing what people like to drink. The bartender man finishes his conversation with another patron and sighs softly as he approaches Lucas.

"Are you sure you need another?" he asks delicately. Lucas squints his eyes.

"I can tell you what I _don't _need, you telling me what I should and should not do", the blonde barks out before pushing the empty glass in the other mans direction. He's too lost in his dealings that he doesn't notice Julian walk up the stairs and into the club.

But Julian's not looking for Lucas. He needs to talk to Peyton.

The curly blonde is sitting at her desk with her hair pulled into a loose ponytail and her workout clothes on. She needs to hit the gym and work off all the frustration and anger she's got piling up inside of her. There's some last minute paperwork that she has to file and sign and then she's getting out of here and spending a decent hour at the gym and hopefully get in a run on the boardwalk.

Someone walks into the office and she expects it to be Nathan, they haven't talked since before Haley blindsided her with the number of that therapist. That piece of paper is safely tucked into the drawer of her night stand; close enough in case she needs it, but far enough away that she can forget it's there altogether.

The footsteps stop just shy of her direct view. For a second her heart races and she thinks it might be Lucas making an attempt to talk about how they left things. She lifts her head and strains her eyes . . . thankfully it's not Lucas.

"Julian!" she cheers with a wide grin. He legs push her out of her chair and propel her forward. "What are you doing here?"

He reciprocates the hug she offers, but it's halfhearted. He hasn't seen or spoken to her since the night of Brooke's boutique opening. It's not that Peyton hast tried to reach him because she has, but he's been avoiding her. Her freak out didn't freak him out (he works in LA, he's accustomed to them).

"I've been calling you", she says softly as she untangles her arms from his waist. "I'm pretty sure Brooke's in meetings all day"" she informs him once she doesn't get any type of answer.

"I know, I'm not here to see her", he mumbles. Peyton turns and walks closer to her desk. If he's not here to see Brooke then there are only two other reasons for him being here.

"I haven't talked to or even seen Lucas since you left", she says softly as she scuffs her running sneaker against the ground. Julian shakes his head once again.

"I'm not here to see Lucas either."

Peyton bites her bottom lip. That only leaves one other reason.

"You probably have some questions . . ." she trails off.

Julian beats her to the punch; "How could you not tell me?"

Peyton puts the folder on her desk and folds her arms over herself nervously. "I'm guessing Brooke told you?"

Julian narrows his eyes at her accusatory tone. Is she really going to try and blame this on someone else? He takes a step forward as she leans against her desk. He hadn't wanted to get angry, but it's far too late for that.

"After we dragged you to the limo and I carried you inside I was a little confused. Brooke started to tell me some fabricated story, but she broke down, Peyton! And stop trying to make it about other people! I've spent the last two and a half years with you and you never said anything!"

She's spent the last few days being forced to talk about her feelings and emotions. Considering she went over three years without talking about those deep dark secrets, there has been a lot of time for it all to stew. Now it's boiling over and there's apparently no stopping it. She simply snaps.

"I moved to LA because I didn't want to think or talk about it! And I loved spending so much time with you because you didn't know the gory details about my losing the baby or Lucas turning to alcohol and me slipping into depression", she says loudly.

"You should have told me", he argues softer this time. Peyton shakes her head and folds her arms over herself.

"I didn't want to talk about it; I didn't want to remember that it ever happened. Being in LA and around you, it helped me to forget for a little while . . ."

"Until you went home and tried to go to sleep", he supplies as she trails off. Peyton lowers her head.

"I guess Brooke told you about the pills too?"

"I thought we were close", he whispers, ignoring her question (that means it's a _yes_). "If you had told me I . . . I could have gotten you help. There are great doctors in LA."

"Julian, I didn't want to be helped", she says softly. "I wanted to forget and with you I was able to, and even though it was only for a little while each day, I'm glad that I had you for that time in my life and I'm glad that I have you now . . . as long as you don't hate me", she says meekly.

Julian sighs loudly and shakes his head. "I don't hate you", he mumbles.

Peyton walks forward and wraps her arms around his waist. Julian places his hands just above her lower back and his cheek rests on the top of her head. He's been confused about a lot of things that concern his feelings for Peyton over the last few years. But after the last few days all he wants is for her to be happy again and comfortable. After being (gently) rejected by Peyton for years he's learned he needs to let go of that illusion; plus, he's kind of got a thing for Brooke.

"No more lying though, okay?" he asks softly.

Peyton nods and takes in a deep breath. "No more lying . . . wanna grab something to eat?"

"Nah, you clearly want to get to the gym and I already have plans", he mumbles while turning away from her. Peyton smirks and grabs his arm.

"Plans with a certain best friend of mine?"

"Maybe", he says with a smile. "By the way, Lucas is sitting at the bar."

With that Julian walks out and Peyton takes a deep breath.

Then she walks out to the club.

_Gone away awhile  
Tell me all the things that I  
I'll be missing here in this old life  
Man cause I just don't know_

He's yammering on about the girl who stole his heart and never gave it back. This isn't the first time he's done this, but every time he has rambled like this it's been a different bartender so they always tend to humor him and listen for a little.

Grubbs is an understanding man. He's been through heartache and he's written about heartache, but he doesn't think it can ever compare to the life that Lucas has been through. He's read the books and he watches the news, Peyton hired him and he's played piano for Haley's little protégé. He knows the Scotts and he knows their extended family and the drama that it carries.

Therefore, he knows Lucas shouldn't be drinking and he definitely shouldn't be drunk.

"Why don't I call you a cab?" Grubbs offers once Lucas takes a break from his rambles. The blonde looks at him and seems to actually contemplate it. But in the end he shakes his head.

"Why don't you get me another drink?"

Grubbs knows his bartending rights and obligations. He could easily refuse to serve Lucas, but in the end that would cause more damage and embarrassment then good. He walks off to get Lucas another drink.

"You don't have to do that Grubbs", Peyton says strongly as she approaches the bar. Lucas makes a face and glares at her. Who the hell does she think she is?

"Yes he does and I think you should stay out of this", he warns. Peyton places her hands on her hips and steps inside the bar. She takes the glass from Grubbs and motions for him to start serving the other patrons.

"He doesn't have to do it if I say he doesn't" she tells Lucas seriously. He shakes his head and leans forward, his weight resting against the wooden top of the bar.

"Peyton, you may own a space in TRIC, but at the end of that day that's all you own", he seethes. "No I suggest you go back into your little studio of yours and make some music."

She absolutely hates his tone of voice. He sounds asinine and pigheaded and she really wants to punch him in the face. Drunk or no drunk, he has no right to talk to her like this.

"Actually when your mother left she signed over TRIC to me. I own this entire space", she throws back into his face proudly. He's crestfallen for a minute, but quickly recovers.

"You're lying", he says with his eyes squinted.

"If you don't believe me than you can call her, although I don't think she'd appreciate a drunken phone call from her twenty-three year old son", Peyton spits out.

He gulps noticeably and Peyton smirks internally. This isn't exactly how she imagined their first time talking would go, but that's the thing with them. There's always some element of surprise. And she really doesn't want to think it, but it really does hurt to see him sitting here like this. Let's be honest, she'd have to be a fool not to think this has at least a little to do with her.

"Look . . ." he starts to say, but she cuts him off.

"No you look, as the owner of this bar I have the right to refuse service. Lucas, you need to leave", she orders.

She doesn't stick around to see how he reacts, simply turns on her heels and walks out from the behind the bar. As she passes Grubbs she pauses and quietly asks him to call Lucas a cab. He assures her that he will do just that.

Lucas watches her walk away and is overcome with the urge to follow after her, take her by the arms, and . . . well he doesn't really know what else he'd do, but he just wants to run after her.

But as usual, he doesn't.

He looks over at Grubbs to double check that he isn't going to serve him any more drinks and when the bearded man shakes his head, Lucas scoffs. Ever since Peyton came back into town she's been consistently screwing things up and it's pissing him off. He grabs his jacket off the back of the bar stool and pushes the heavy door open before storming down the metal stairs.

It's a cool evening and when Lucas sticks his hands into his pockets he finds his car keys. He's parked just a few feet away and his desire for alcohol is just too great. He knows there's a small liquor store just outside of town. It wouldn't take more than twenty minutes to get there.

He's still deep in contemplation when a yellow cab pulls up in front of him. He clenches his keys into a fist in his hand and laughs bitterly. She acts all tough and bitchy, but she'll still call a cab for him?

"Hey buddy, you needa ride?" the older man asks through the rolled down window of his taxi. Lucas has dealt with Haley and Nathan and Brooke being there for him and telling him to get his shirt together and he can handle that because he knows they care.

And if Peyton's doing the same thing . . . it means she still cares.

And that's more than he can bear right now.

Lucas smiles his best charming smile and waves him off. "Nah, I just got here", he lies easily. In recent years he's found that lying and denial are pretty much second nature.

The driver seems to hesitate before nodding his head and driving off. Lucas watches the taillights as they disappear down the softly lit street. He walks in the direction of his vintage mustang and fidgets with his keys. Somewhere deep down inside he knows that he shouldn't be doing this.

But he's ignoring that voice completely in favor an escape from reality. Everything with Peyton and Nathan and Haley is just too much and he knows that if he doesn't drink more he's never going to get to sleep tonight and that's all he wants to do. So he gets into his car, starts the engine, and pulls out of the parking lot.

Lucas never makes it to that liquor store.

_I just don't know  
I just don't know_

He's hooked up to monitors and can hear the beeping and smell the disinfectant. Everything's still a little fuzzy, but he definitely knows he's in the hospital. His body's sore and he can't move his left leg. For a second he thinks he had another heart attack.

And that seems to trigger the memories.

It wasn't a heart attack at all; he almost wishes it was. After he pulled out of TRIC he made it down the straight road and managed to turn along the necessary streets. But sometime during all that he lost his train of thought and ran a red light. His car hit a pole.

That's the last thing he remembers before falling back into a slumber.

When he wakes up again Haley is clutching his hand and sitting at his bedside. She lets out a breath of air and lunges forward to gently hug him. She kisses the top of his head and rests her cheek against his forehead.

"Oh thank God you're okay", she says in complete and utter relief. Lucas is pretty sure she's the only one who's glad to see him awake . . . maybe even alive.

"Did anyone else get hurt?" he asks with a raspy voice. Haley grabs the cup of water and guides the straw into his mouth. After he takes a large gulp she says;

"You remember? The doctor wasn't sure if you would . . . no, no other cars were hit", she promises. He nods his head thankfully and closes his eyes. This might just be the most sleep he's gotten in years.

"I can't do this anymore Lucas", she whispers. "None of us can, it's all too draining and this was just the icing on the cake. It just . . . this isn't – we're just all so tired", she whispers brokenly.

Lucas keeps his eyes closed and his face expressionless. The truth is, he hates himself right now more than he ever has in the last few years. He's sunk to a new low and he deserves to be abandoned. He just doesn't want to face it right now.

Soon enough he falls asleep and Haley kisses his head one last time before leaving the room.

When he opens his eyes he finds a fierce brunette with fire in her eyes, leaning against the closed door to his room. He wants to close his eyes and pretend he's still sleeping, but it's far too late. She's storming over to him.

"How could you be so _fucking_ stupid!?" she growls between clenched teeth. He knows she isn't expecting a real answer so he simply lays there. "You have nothing to say? Are you even sorry?"

"Of course I'm sorry!" he snaps back. "I never wanted to be the person who took someone else away from their family", he comments softer this time. His heart monitor began to soar and with his preexisting condition that's probably not the greatest thing to happen.

Brooke's face turns solemn and he notices the tears that start to gather. He's just about to question it, when she speaks; "You're doing that anyway."

Before he can comment on it she wipes her eyes and walks out of the room. Lucas is left to think of all the hurt he's caused his family.

It takes him a while to fall back to sleep after Brooke leaves; his mind was racing. But he knows that he did eventually because he's jolted awake by the sound of his brother clearing his throat.

"I don't want you to talk", Nathan says, he raises his hand to stop Lucas from saying anything. "I'm just here to tell you that I'm done. Haley and Brooke are done. Lucas I cut you out of my life once this will be easy for me. Don't call the girls because they'll cave and I'll be pissed. You're not a person we need around and Jamie doesn't need to see his Uncle acting like a fucking douche bag."

He says his peace and walks to the door. Before he leaves he turns again and Lucas is hopeful that something positive will leave his mouth. That's not the case.

"From this moment on, you're back to being the bastard son I never wanted to know."

Lucas wishes he could be pissed off at everything Nathan said, but he knows it wasn't said without merit. He hasn't been a good person for a really long time and he used to pride himself on being one. He almost doesn't want to fall asleep because he's scared to death that his mother is going to be the next person he sees when he wakes.

When he wakes up later that night (he knows this because it's dark outside) he's more than surprised to see Peyton standing at the foot of his bed. Her arms are folded over herself and with the aid of the moonlight he notices the dried tear tracks.

"Hey", he says softly. She bites her lower lip and lets out a shuddering breath of air. Lucas knows this is going to be the worst conversation he gets today.

"You could have killed someone", she whispers sadly. "You could have killed someone or really hurt them . . ."

And that brings on the memories he desperately tried to keep out.

_Lucas walked back into the bedroom and climbed in next to her. She smiled as he carefully rested his hand on her stomach and his head next to hers on her pillow._

"_Who was at the door?" she asked softly, clearly not letting him rest without knowing. He looked over at her and moved his hand from her belly for just a second, to brush some hair from her face._

"_That was the detective who's working the accident case", he said softly. Peyton's eyes widened and she seemed to stop her breathing._

"_Well what did he want? Did he say anything important?" she pried._

_Lucas cleared his throat and said; "They don't usually do this unless it's a lawsuit or something, but he wanted you to know . . . the teen that was driving the car, he was over the legal limit."_

"_He was drunk?" she said with a scowl. Lucas nodded and Peyton let out a noise of utter disgust. "Drunk drivers kind of haunt us, huh?"_

_Her mother. His accident with Keith. Now her accident can be added to that list._

"_I just don't understand how someone can even do that. Don't they realize that they could hurt someone, or even worse, kill them?" he asked rhetorically. _

"_No everyone's a good person, Luke", she whispered lovingly as she stroked his cheek. She leaned up carefully and kissed him. "I'm lucky I got one of the good ones."_

"I'm sorry", he says as she stands before him. Peyton shakes her head and starts to back away.

"You don't need to apologize to me", she assures him. But they're both pretty sure he actually does. "We called your mom, but never got through so she doesn't know about the accident; it's probably better that way", she whispers.

"Peyton I –"

She doesn't give him the chance to finish because she doesn't know what's going to follow those two words. Besides being afraid of his words, she feels the pressure building behind her eyes and she doesn't really want to cry in front of him. So she walks away.

"I'm so sorry", he whispers into the dark room.

And for the first time in a long time, he lets the memories play in his mind like old movies.

He cries himself to sleep that night.

_But I'll be fine  
Oh don't you worry  
Cause I'll be fine  
See I'm in no hurry  
No I'll be fine  
Oh don't you worry  
Cause I'll be fine  
See I'm in a hurry to be_

He thanks the older man and gives him a generous tip. The second Lucas walked out the hospital doors he was very accommodating. It couldn't have been easy since he's at least forty years older, but he made it look easy. He carefully gets out of the taxi and takes a deep breath.

Nathan wasn't kidding when he said he was done, but Lucas can't dwell on that now.

Lucas hobbles up the steps of his house on the beach. From the outside it's pristine with its wraparound porch and white shutters. But he knows inside is a completely different story. And he's going to change that.

He pushes open his front door and leaves his crutches leaned up against the wall. He doesn't technically need to use them, but the doctors told him it would be a good idea. He's got two bruised ribs and a sprained ankle. He's lucky, he knows this, but it's going to make cleaning things more difficult than ever.

He starts with the little things. He opens his windows wide so that the ocean breeze filters in and fills the house with that wonderful salty smell. Then he grabs some garbage bags and checks all the nooks and crannies of his place. He knows where he hides the bottles and he knows they need to go.

The person he's become is not the person he wants to be for the rest of his life. If anything his car accident was the biggest wakeup call he could have ever asked for (not that he would have asked for it to happen).

He passes his stereo and stops to put on an old CD that he hasn't listened to in years. The second the first song starts to play a smile spreads across his face and he continues to hobble around his house, filling the garbage bag with a variety of filled and empty bottles.

She can tell it's going to rain. The birds are squawking and the breeze is stronger than it has been all day. As she approaches Lucas's house she watches the shutters swing back and forth and can hear the loud music that's playing.

Peyton stands in his doorway and watches as he hops around the house. He's wiping down furniture and fluffing pillows. She thinks this is probably his first step at being a different person. A better person.

"Hey!" Lucas says over the music. He limps over and lowers the volume. "Hey", he says again; much softer this time.

"Nathan told me you got released today", she says instead of greeting him. He nods his head and lets out a soft laugh.

"I didn't think any of them even knew", he mumbles. Peyton runs her hand through her hair. He doesn't sound bitter or anything, but she still feels the need to defend the others.

"They just . . . they don't know how to handle it", she says softly. Lucas slowly walks closer to her. He cannot believe that after everything she's standing here talking to him and making it seem like what he did is something that she can handle; it's not. It's not something any of his friends should have to deal with.

"Neither do you."

Peyton can feel her eyes burn and she really dislikes that she's opened these floodgates because they never stop. She cries almost all the time and it's been weeks since the opening of Brooke's boutique. She needs to deflect the conversation away from her.

"Nathan, Haley, Jamie, and Brooke; I know they'll miss you so much and Julian has been looking forward to working with you for so long, I know he'd hate to miss out on that", she says with a shaky voice.

"And you?" he asks bravely. Peyton meets his eyes and her tears slowly spill over; gliding down her reddened cheeks. She really didn't want to make this about her, but right now this moment they're having . . . it just feels right.

"Do you really need to hear me say it?" she questions tearfully. The song changes and it confirms her earlier thoughts; she gave him this CD years ago. When they were juniors in high school and teetering the lines of friendship and more.

Lucas swallows and whispers, "Yeah", while nodding his head.

Peyton takes in a deep, shuddering breath. "Lucas, if anything ever happened to you . . ." she trails off to suppress the sob that's gathered in the back of her throat.

Lucas instinctively takes a step forward and absolutely aches to touch her. Peyton crying has always been his kryptonite (aside from her legs). Without caring to think it might be inappropriate or dangerous, he lifts his hand and brushes away her falling tears with his thumb.

The last time Lucas really saw her cry was the day they she gave birth to their daughter. He could feel her slipping away after that, but didn't try hard enough to keep them together. He lost himself in booze and decided that struggling for their relationship was pointless.

Well he won't let that happen again.

Peyton leans into his light touch. It's been so long since he's touched her and the fact that he's even willing to must be a good sign. She unconsciously takes a small step forward and breathes in his scent; it seems to be the one thing that hasn't changed about him.

"Do you want to stay for some coffee or something?"

Peyton blinks her eyes and takes in a gust of air. She runs her hand through her blonde locks and shakes her head. Staying probably wouldn't be the best idea. They're both emotional and lonely and . . . she just shouldn't stay here.

"I should head home before the storm hits", she whispers. Lucas nods and drops his hand from her face. She offers him a small smile and backs away from him and to the front door. Lucas ingrains every small detail about her into his brain (as if he hadn't done so for years).

He watches as Peyton stops once she has the door open, she bites her bottom lip and he takes a deep breath. He's always loved when she does that. He's got a million and one thoughts swimming through his mind and he really needs to clear them out.

"I know we haven't been the best versions of ourselves lately, but if something doesn't change we'll never get those people back. _I miss those people_", she breathes out. He closes his eyes; he misses those people too.

Within the hour he's got a bag packed and is on his way to a treatment facility just outside of town.

_Gone away awhile  
Tell me all the things that I  
I'll be missing here in this old life  
Man cause I just don't know_

* * *

Let me know what you think!


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